Feelings of inferiority anyone...anyone....Bueller?

I don't know if I've mentioned here that one of my moms all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior witout your consent" (or something like that) by Eleanor Roosevelt. Well my mom would not be proud because I've been noticing recently that I am pretty much constantly feeling inferior.

As I study for the GRE (which I take on August 23rd, pray for me!) I think, "how does anyone pass this? I must be some kind of idiot because I've been studying for nearly a year and I still don't know half the vocabulary and the math? Just forget about it. I know some real idiots who've gotten their masters degree and they had to take this same test, maybe I'm not as smart and capable as I thought."

As I prepare to graduate from college in December, with Honors no less, I find myself saying "Yeah but I just got into the honors program on a fluke and the real honors students are so smart and organized and prepared. I save everything until the last minute and don't really deserve to be here because I never read the books or spend hours studying like everyone else claims to, the information just sticks".

As I'm walking into work I see a well-dressed, pretty girl walking past me and I automatically shrink back thinking well maybe I'm single because I don't have legs like her, or hair like so-and-so" (yes I think that, no I don't actually believe it...most of the time.)

As I am reading the truly inspiring words of other bloggers out there and listen to them talking about the great blogging community I scroll down and see 10's and 100's of comments and I think "I know my writing sucks and I admittedly don't have much time to put into this whole blogging thing but couldn't someone at least comment every tenth post or something? I want to feel involved, but then when I think about it how often do I comment, or link, or anything of that nature? The answer: RARELY, so that's another big FAIL.

I minimize my accomplishments and feel that all I've achieved is mediocrity. It comes down to the fact that I am such a perfectionist deep-down, that on the surface I choke when I have to do things because I am scared they won't be great enough. I feel that everything I do is sub-standard, even when that is not the case (or so I'm told). I feel that I am inferior for being 22 and still living at home, for not being in any kind of long-term relationship, for watching all my friends lives come together while I'm in school struggling to become an adult. Buy hey, at least I'm fighting back and making something of myself, let's hope it's not just something average.

Shiny new mac book and vacation pics!

This weekend my mommy and I went out and got this...


So I can finally post these vacation pics












As you can see from the pictures of my bedroom and bathroom I'm a very tidy person (snort!) More later and also I'm finally joining the 21st century and getting a flickr account, wish me luck with that because I can mess up pretty much everything, it's a gift.

Things you never want to hear in a hospital

My beloved mom has been in the hospital since Monday evening and just got home a few hours ago (not to worry it was a slight intestinal issue and she's fine) and though I only visited her for about an hour yesterday following are a few of the gems that I heard/ heard about while I was there.

My moms new roommate (her third) as she is being wheeled in:
"You know I was feeling really good...until I threw up."

Nurse: "Okay we had to put this lady in your room because her roommate last night didn't sleep at all because she has this thing where she counts to five, out-loud, alll night and day. I'm really sorry."

My moms second roommate to the nurse: "YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD MONITORS ON AND I TOOK THEM OFF JUST TO SEE IF YOU WOULD NOTICE AND YOU DIDN'T, I COULD HAVE BEEN LYING IN HERE DEAD FOR HOURS!" (apparently she has a habit of doing this)

Second roommate again: "I passed out at 11:30 and no one helped me until 2:00" (excuse me lady but if you pass out you don't know what time it was and how long you were lying there and further more my mom witnessed this "fainting" and it was very unbelievable to say the least. Normally when you pass out you just kind of crumple over this woman screamed and then FLUNG herself back onto the bed...and then kept peeking to see if anyone was coming to "help" her LOL

Loser at life: 22 years and counting

Gahhh I use this blog to vent more than anything, sorry you all have to experience my mood swings and read about my weirdness but here you go.

So I just started taking birth control two months ago and my dr. prescribed Loestrin 24FE (shout out to Loestrin!!! sorry u suck). The first month there was a bit of spotting in the middle of the month which, hey, its normal for the first month. This month I did not stop bleeding THE WHOLE MONTH (haaa I typed it "munth" at first) until, until I got to the f'ing placebo pills. This is not just "spotting" either it is like crampy, fills a-pad-a-day, bleeding. Sorry if that was TMI, I'm not real good at filtering myself. Anyways yesterday I looked up some info on the pill and it seems that a great many of the people who have been prescribed this had the same problem and say that their cycle never got regulated and eventually they switched. I'm thinking that that sounds pretty good right about now because I feel constantly bloated, my boobs have been non-stop sore, and I have been having some major mood swings ever since I started it. All this to say that all of the above symptoms require a call to the doctor's office. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to make phone calls to offices or anyone I don't know for that matter. I panic and get really self conscious so eventhough I'm bleeding my guts out (okay maybe thats a bit of an exaggeration) I'm hesitant to call the office. Okaaaay "hesitant" doesn't quite describe it-I'm a neurotic basket-case. I have this anxiety and I feel like every freaking task in the whole wide world is insurmountable because I have not yet called my Dr's office. So what do neurotic people with anxiety disorders do when they have to call the Dr.'s office????? They call their motherfucking MOM and have her write a motherfucking SCRIPT of what exactly to say. That is correct I drove my dear, dear, mother so crazy with the constant questioning about "well what do I say when I call" that eventually when I (not even close to) jokingly asked her to type me a script she did. Like a script for a play with the person who answers and what they say and then what I should say. I AM OFFICIALLY AN ABSOLUTE LOSER. That was last week and I finally ended up calling yesterday when I had one pill left (I might have hung up a few times before I actually followed through) and the lady was soooo wonderfully nice that I want to call her everyday just to chat. It was so simple: I called, she took notes, she got the Dr. to change my prescription and give me 3 months worth of samples and BOW! I was done. All of this disgusting blood and birth control talk just to ask: Whyyyyy must I suck so hard at life?????

p.s. thanks to Kate at Sort of grown up for the props in this post.

Two peas in a pod

Just dropping in to say I made it back from Virginia (a week ago already!) and I had a wonderful weekend, pictures and stories to follow but I've been too busy enjoying the awesome weather to blog. So here, look, aren't my dog and I two peas in a pod?






Also, people say my mother and I look alike, whaddya think?

Reasons I will have to eventually move out of my moms house

This post is in honor of my 22nd birthday (a week ago tomorrow).

Carrying a really big bag so I can sneak out alcohol to drink in the car right before the club so I don't have to spend so much money on their drinks is getting really old. I mean she knows I have it, the fucker is clinking and clanking all the way down the stairs why can't I just have the nerve to carry it out right in front of her face??? Dunno but I just can't do it.

Having to listen to the phrases "no drinking and driving, no riding with anyone who has been drinking and is driving, AND USE PROTECTION!!!!" is all fine and dandy but now I'm starting to hear it two and three times before I leave and it's said IN ALL CAPS regardless of where we are or who's around.

Calling my mom in the middle of the night while at a club and ever so slighty under the influence to tell her "THANK YOU FOR GIVING BIRTH TO ME, I'M A GREAT GIFT TO THE WORLD and also that time that I said I might be home??? Well I'll be about a day late so don't worry." does not make me look like I'm "kinda a big deal" like I was telling everyone I was.

And the number one reason is...

So that when I wake up after a night out I don't have to ask my mom to borrow a turtleneck and listen to her exclaim "Eww look at those suckerbites, it's like a dog marking its territory"

Love you mommy, and while this arrangement is working out fine for now in a few years some of those things may be just a little bit awkward, believe it or not.

p.s. Let it be said that my mom knows all of the stupid shit I do (well most of it) but we feel some need to do the mother daughter charade where we both pretend I'm still semi-innocent. She is by no means uptight and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.

No more free handouts

One of my mom's all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" from Eleanor Roosevelt. I was just talking with a friend and thinking about it and that is so very very true. No one has the power to make you feel bad unless you give it to them. At what point did handing over that power become virtually unconscious and how can I take it back? Then I thought even deeper about how the majority of the world's problems are due to us projecting our insecurities onto others either intentionally or unintentionally. I'll give an example from my life that I have tried to side-step and deny but I know its true and hopefully by acknowledging it I will be able to work at correcting it. The theme of my life, if you will, is being lonely. I am terrified of it and will do almost anything to make sure that it does not happen. Sometimes that involves being a major jackass and latching onto someone only until I find someone better. Please don't judge me I know its wrong and makes me sound like a cold hearted bitch but I'm being honest and doing soul searching here okay? So I will no longer be handing out to people the power to make me feel bad and furthermore I will look deep inside myself and overcome my insecurities so that even if the whole world can't be a better place at least my little corner of it can be.

Finally no more dirt in the washing machine

Hoooray the water troubles are over at chez-moi!!! Today we got a fancy new water line installed and it only cost us a million dollars (ok not really) and our entire front yard! The best part of the day was hearing my mom flush and then scream because she got scared by the noise of the air that was still in the line. Happy times, happy times.

p.s. yes the title is true there was such a leak in our water line that we have had actual chunks of dirt clogging up our washing machine forever and the city just now deemed it necessary to fix it, oh how i love them.

Oh hell that p.s. just reminded me of a topic I thought up earlier so I may as well go for it now.
It is called "Things in my house that look disgusting but really aren't":

1) I have a cat who insists upon only drinking water out of my bathroom faucet and if we don't let her she would go on water strike until she died because she is just that stubborn so this means she often sits, sleeps, drinks, and lounges in my bathroom sink (just mine, no one elses mind you) so at any given time there are about three different colors of hair on my beautiful white counter top. This drives me crazy and I wipe it off every time she gets up but I live in fear that someone will walk in there before I've had a chance to clean it and be utterly appalled.

2) The aforementioned chunks of dirt in my washing machine. While quite inconvenient never actually interfered with the cleanliness of my clothes.

3) The stain in the middle of the living room carpet that I try to hide with every piece of furniture we own; I swear it's nothing gross it was just some damn mud that the dog tracked in that absolutely will not come up.

4) The one bowl that is undoubtedly left on my dresser from my midnight snack the night before. Dude I only leave it there till morning (and on rare occasions one or two days) so just chill. On second thought maybe that one actually is a little disgusting.

5)My dog's tattered and hole covered "baby" (which is actually a stuffed cat that an ex gave to me from build-a-bear. Nothing says I don't love you anymore better than letting your massive dog rip the heart out of something an ex made for you but I digress) that has been dragged through and put in places that I don't even want to think about. Hmmmm maybe that one actually is gross too. But we do wash it regularly!

6) The area around my makeup mirror: it looks a hot mess but its really just a bunch of excess makeup that is coated on pretty much everything in that general vicinity (at least I keep it confined)

Wow I can't think of anymore right now but I'm sure I will. Writing this has made me feel like a filthy slob so to make me feel better what are some disgusting things (actually disgusting or could be perceived as disgusting) in your house?

I like to call this "bullshit medley", catchy no?

Ok so how about the time I promised to write about life lessons, I'm gonna amend that to say: I am a big fat pretentious idiot who knows nothing about life and should therefore shut the fuck up and stop acting like a know it all.

Anyways moving on I have several topics that I thought would make for interesting blog entries (I sunk to new levels when I started keeping a sticky note beside my desk with topics on it) so following is a medley of crap that I think about.

Recently I was thinking about how one time my mom told me that she finds it hard to believe in God, or a higher power, because if there was such a power why did my grandmother, who was a great woman, die. I thought about that for a minute and for me it is the exact opposite. I believe in God because he gives us strength to get through such situations and teaches us innumerable lessons along the way. I am not saying that everyone should feel the same way as me, I feel that religion is a personal choice and I would never judge anyone because of it, but I just wanted to note how the same situation can be perceived so very differently by people. If no one ever suffered or had bad things happen than how would we grow and learn; why would we need God? Obviously no one wants to watch a loved one die or have negative things happen but I'm of the belief system that it all happens for a reason. Ask me this again if something happens to someone with whom I'm close or myself and my opinion may be a bit different but I would like to hope not. Disclaimer: this is not to say that I handle suffering or death or problems well at all because I'm pretty much a blubbering fool.

Next topic of discussion, yard sales. Some of the stuff people try to sell should just be lying in a dumpster somewhere. If you honestly think you're going to get someone to pay you $5 for your stained, cat hair covered, sweater that your aunt Matilda knit for you back in 1985 think again. What is wrong with you people???? Yard sales can be ok but the ones with table upon table of stupid shit like happy meal toys that are half chewed really piss me off, just give it up and throw your trash away instead of wasting your and everyone elses time. Last week I was driving around and I saw a person trying to sell, no joke, a trophy (with their name on it nonetheless) and the whole top half broken off for the bargain price of $2.50, get a life.

In other news, I commented on my first blog today and I couldn't start with just some little tiny blog, no no no not me I had to comment on a big one. It's not like anyone will even know who I am but still I get so nervous that I'll make an ass out of myself somehow that I don't even like to comment on blogs, I'm a loser I know, but the entry was about weird men on tv that we're attracted to and I immediately remembered this post and just had to share.

All I feel's alone, might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul (yes that title is shamelessly stolen from John Mayer)

I know I said I'd post "later" which apparently means in you know 5-6 days or whenever I get around to it. In my defense the subject matter is kinda heavy so it takes longer to will myself to write it. In other words...brace yourself this is gonna be a long, emotion-laden one.

I did in fact go visit the ex and his family last weekend and that one week break I took after I returned home? That was me assessing the emotional carnage. Who in the hell thought visiting the ex would be a good idea? Like seriously what kind of idiot gets over someone and then decides that they should plunge themselves right back into their life??? You may not be able to guess it from the tone of this entry but the weekend was amazing and loads of fun, thats the problem. I miss them all so very, very much. I was so unhappy before that it was semi-easy to just walk away but now??? Not so much. As I write this I feel depression, not sadness, not regret, but deep down emotional distress and sorrow. So on the car ride home (after the first hour was spent crying uncontrollably) I started to analyze myself (what can I say I'm a psych major, it's what I do). It suddenly dawned on me that this pain was a familiar pain, a hurt so deep that it expresses itself in every aspect of my life. I become some neurotic basketcase who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning for fear of facing my feelings, it's exhausting. Sometimes people think that I'm just lazy (and sometimes I am) but how do I tell them that sometimes it's just because I don't want to face pain, real or perceived. When I'm in this mood everything I see and do reminds me of how un-happy I am. I realized that I feel this way after returning from my visit because those people love me, and I them. Everyone I meet tells the ex how great I am and they actually fight over whose house I should stay at, they speak what little English they know and include me in all that they do. They gossip with me about his new fuck buddy and they tell me not to be sad, that I am their family and she never will be. Above all there is always someone around for me. That's the bottom line, that's where I had my epiphany of sorts. As I mentioned above this pain was not new; I have felt it many times before but I had forgotten how miserable it was. It takes me back to the days of my childhood when I would spend every-other weekend with my dad. We would have the best time, not because he's extravagant and took me everywhere I wanted to go or because he bought me things but because he genuinely understood me and was always there (notice the theme?). The best memories of my life thus far include rainy Saturdays spent inside, just me and my dad, eating chicken noodle soup and talking about everything and nothing at all. When Sunday would roll around I would be devastated, I would begin to cry two hours before I was supposed to be home, sometimes I would get physically ill and beg my Dad not to make me go and I would see the tears in his eyes as he would pull away. It's not that my mom was some terrible monster, she loved me and cared for me the best way that she knew how but it just wasn't the same. She didn't quite "get" me nor did she want to spend quality time with me. I felt isolated and alone and I remember crying and feeling miserable until I could return to my dads again. I didn't realize it until later in life but I was actually depressed; at 8 years old I suffered from depression and tons of anxiety which expressed itself as OCD oftentimes. Okay so there's my sob story, you've heard it and now I'll get to the point the theme is I am terrified, I mean terrified, of being alone. At both my dad's house and now with the ex's family I feel like everyone is there for me, that I can be alone in a room but not be alone. Here at my house, at my desk, I am alone, alone in the world. I pass my mom in the hallway and we talk but for all intents and purposes I am alone. Now that I'm older and have the tools to help myself I know that I will be okay, I know that this feeling of sadness will pass and that I cannot become involved in a relationship solely because of a great emotional environment; that would be a cop-out, and I am putting it in writing right here so that when I feel weak and like he's my only option I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am strong and I won't take the easy road; I've worked through to much to do that now.

(Hopefully Not) More Than a Feeling

I'm sitting here refreshing MSN news page every few minutes, why you ask...because I just have a feeling that something terrible is going to happen. Something shocking and life-changing. I must be losing my mind. I dunno what's wrong with me but I called my mom and she said she's felt the same way all day. So here's to hoping we're wrong (though we usually aren't, individually yes, but when we both feel the same way at the same time its usually for a reason). I've been working on a real post which I'll post later. Until then

Seriously could I use the word funny a few more times????

Let it be known that I am a reality T.V. addict. I love all shows reality based. That being said I have never really watched Last Comic Standing until this season and oh mylanta is it funny. How can people really be that funny? That show contains more funny than should be allowed in any one hour span of time ever. I was just laying in bed last night at 2 in the morning with nothing to do (I'm not so much of a night sleeper) so I turned on an episode I recorded and maybe it was because it was late and I was delirious but seriously, a great deal of funny ensued which involved much hearty laughter from me and much yelling of the phrase "Shut up I'm trying to sleep dammit!" from my precious mother. Regardless, it felt really good to laugh like that because for once it wasn't at the expense of someone else. Like, these people actually wanted me to laugh at them, who could ask for more? All I want is people to let me laugh at them uncontrollably and occasionally make fun of them when they make mistakes, is that so terrible of me?? (What,it is??? Well shit no wonder I have no friends).

Edited to add: For the love of humanity can someone please tell me what it means when I keep dreaming about my teeth falling out???

Blah,Blah,Blah, (Like the teacher in Peanuts)

This weekend was a big blur of getting ready for vacation and having creepy guys from e-harmony instant message me. Seriously, what is it about guys that makes them unable to keep their yaps shut about their penises for more than 30 minutes??? I don't even know these people, talk about freakin desperate (them not me). Anyways, leavin for vacation on Thursday, goin to Selena's for a few days then leaving for NC. Whoohooo a week of relaxing in the sun with my best friend and nothing to worry about except what to eat for dinner and when to reapply sunblock, that is how life is supposed to be :) Well I really want to write but I have nothing of substance to say so I'll do us all a favor and just shut up. Tchau!

p.s. Mom quote:

ME: So Mom, how was the new ACME?
HER: (long pause, thinking about it) It was like nothing was where anything ever was at any store I've ever been to...ever.

Well that cleared that right up, glad I asked.

A post to delay writing the post that I really should be writing

This weekend was mothers day weekend and so my gift to my mom was pet-sitting for a day while she went bird-watching (her favorite thing in the whole world). Since she was busy on Sunday we celebrated with the family on Saturday with a cook-out and afterwards we went to the cemetery where my grandma (mom's mom) is buried.

My grandma Anna and I were very close when I was young. I have so many great memories of being with her. In the summer she would come to daycare and break me out early so we could go swimming and we always had fun. She died when I was nine years old so I don't remember a great deal about her but ever since she died I have carried around the feeling that if she has lived we would be best friends, and in a way we are. I don't know if this is weird or not but sometimes I feel like she is with me and we know everything about each other. I don't know if I make myself feel this way because it is how I like to imagine our relationship would have been or if it really is true; I am so much like my grandmother in soooo many ways that I absolutely have to believe its the latter. She made me feel special and she was my number one fan, I know she loves my cousins but I could see that special sparkle in her eye when we were together, I love her for so many reasons but I especially love her for the person she has helped me become.

Anyways, As we approached the headstone I realized for the first time that this was my mom's mother, the woman who had raised her, the same person my mom is to me is what my grandmother was to her. Before I had always just thought of her as my grandmother. And in that moment I thanked God for letting me be with my mother this mothers day instead of visiting her grave and as we trimmed and edged around the headstone (V included) we found so many things to laugh and talk to grandma about that I realized that this would be one of those perfect memories that you carry with you for a lifetime, three generations of women together and happy, if only for a moment.

I am so stupid

So me and my mom were riding in the car today and she was talking about going to the card store, and would I go to the card store with her?, and on and on with the card store talk so I agreed to go with her. I asked her what card store we were going to and since we already had to get a prescription why didn't we just get a card at CVS? To which she replied "No I want to go to "that card store"

Riiiight, of course that card store

Me: Which one?

Mom: You know that one next to where we used to go grocery shopping, the one by the Chinese store?

Me: We don't have a Chinese store anywhere in Akron what the hell are you talking about?

Mom: BITE MY ASS NICOLE!

Me: Are you talking about Hallmark???

Mom: YES!!!

Me: God!, why didn't you just say the Hallmark next to Tops and the Chinese restaurant?

Mom: Don't be stupid you knew what I meant

Unfortuneately for me I really thought she was talking about some damn little Chinese store and so I started visualizing what exactly a Chinese store would sell and then explaining it to my mom (As in "noooo mom if it were a store it would have....")and here are some of the gems I came up with:

1)Specialty chopsticks
2)Imported rice
3)Kimono's
4)Those Chinese dragon costumes that they use at festivals and such
5)Paper lanterns

And thats as far as I got because, and please don't ask me why,at that moment no funnier words had ever been uttered in the English language than paper lanterns and specialty chopsticks.

Had to add the mom quote

Oh yeah and my most recent mom quote:

We were joking about smoking pot

Mom: Yeah I smoked tons of pot when I was pregnant with you, that's why you were born hungry!

Keep in mind that is a complete joke there was no smoking of pot during pregnancy and while I was born loving food it has nothing to do with marijuana.

Perfect example of why I should never be allowed to write on the weekend

Well I've had a very busy weekend, for once it didnt consist solely of sleeping all day and clearing out my DVR all night. Friday night I went out to dinner with the family then we saw an acrobatic show (grandpa really wanted to go), saturday we had a wedding shower followed by dinner and then we went to the theatre to see RENT. It was absolutely awesome, I loved it! Then today was just a bunch of chores and taking Maggie to the dog park and having the neighbor over for dinner but I digress.

What I really want to say is this: Have you ever noticed how much bridal showers and/or weddings make you analyze your current relationship? Holy crap! I was just sitting there semi-watching the bride-to-be open upwards of 12 million appliances when I noticed a book being passed around. When said book got to me I saw that it was nothing more than a dusty old hardback and thought to myself: Why in the name of Bob are they passing this around. I flipped it open and just saw yellowing pages so I flipped through it a bit more and thats when i saw it. Somewhere in the middle of the book the groom-to-be (my cousin) had typed up a story about his relationship with his girlfriend (now fiance) it went on for several pages highlighting the ups and downs of their relationship and finished with a list of about 50 things that he loves about her, then it told her to flip the page and there was written a marriage proposal along with a place for a ring box that he had cut out of the book and lined with fabric. OH MY GOSH COULD IT GET ANY SWEETER THAN THAT?????

I was so touched (though somewhat jealous lol) that I didn't even mention the several grammatical and spelling errors I had noticed throughout the sacred document. Am I or am I not the most supportive cousin in the world?

But bottom line I started to think about my relationship and where it was going and would he ever be able to give me half of that proposal if we got to that point, and what if he did and I wasn't ready and blah blah blah on and on for the next 2 hours of the shower. It sucks I don't wanna analyze relationships and actions. I much prefer to just go with the flow and see what happens but here's hoping I choose the right man to spend forever with because I've had my fair share of losers and furthermore here's assuming that there's a "Mr. Right" even out there.


P.S.
Excerpt from a conversation between me and my mom (who is home from vacation thank God!)

Setting: At a table by the bathroom in some restaurant.

Me: "Mom, at what age do you think parents should stop bringing opposite sex childen into the restroom with them?"

Mom: "I have no idea"

Me: "Well it's more common to see little boys in the womens room than it is to see little girls in the mens room I would imagine."

Mom: "Nicole I have never seen a little girl in the mens room.......

Me: I give her a strange look

Mom: hysterical laughter ensues because she realizes that she has never been in a men's room

Perhaps a bit over explanatory (does that even make sense?)

Ok so I've been re-reading some stuff here, specifically when I talk about my life and my emotions and I realized that I am rambling way too much, I'm gearing this towards a hypothetical audience (I know at least one person reads this b/c they told me lol) and this is MY blog and MY thoughts and I don't owe any explanations so I will not feel the need to explain every detail of every sentence I type any longer. If you don't like what I say stop reading and even if you don't agree with what I say don't judge or make generalizations. I'm saying this now and it applies to all past present and future posts, feelings are tricky. I don't always know what I'm feeling or how to explain it, and my emotions are so fluid and changing constantly; just know that and enjoy!!!!!!

That being said I need to throw in some mom quotes for the week:

"Nicole if you were a fish you'd be mounted on somebodies wall."

"I would kiss you but I don't wanna make you hot"

"Doesn't that guy over there look like a ladder-stealer?"

Me: "Mom are you upset that I decided to save money and live at home next year?"
My mom: "Nicole it's not like you're a doper in the basement playing video games!"

p.s. I'm dying to post some pictures, any pictures but I won't be back at school until next week and thats where my cord is.

The only thing of value in this post is the quote.

Okay today is one of "those" days. The ones where you just wanna crawl in a cave in hibernate. I'm so sad and so angry all at once and everything is on my nerves. You know what I mean? It's not really too different from other days but for some reason everything and everyone either totally pisses you off or finds some way to make you want to cry. Ahhh life is complicated but it's better than the alternative. Anyways it helps me if I vent about all my frustrations so here's a list (and if I'm complaining about someone, its not personal. I'm an equal opportunity bitcher :) )

1) The people who built this building for putting only one freaking internet port thingy in a room made for two people.

2) My roomate for using said port thingy because I have a laptop and I can just use wireless.

3) My damn wireless for flickering on and off all day and most of the night, thus forcing me to either strategically locate myself in a certain corner of the room when trying to be online or get online between the hours of 3 and 10 am which are usually the only times I can get a decent signal and just so happen to coincide perfectly with the hours I usually sleep.

4) My mother for sending me an email about illegal alien deportation and children getting ripped away from their parents (I cried for awhile over that one).

5) My boyfriend for being so damn loveable but so freakin "untraditional"

6) People for being so ridiculously ignorant, selfish, greedy, and stupid sometimes.

7) I'm just frustrated with complications and difficulties in general and i'm too tired and bored with my own thoughts to go on any further so that's all for now.

p.s. My moms quote of the day
"Did you know that they genetically proved that all humans originated from Africa. Ha, that means even grandpa has a little bro in him! And Nicole, do NOT write that down!" Do I or do I not have the most adorable mother ever???? You should be very jealous :)

My mom's a lesbian...and your point is? Plus adorable dog photos!

Ok well I was sitting in class today thinking about what to write about because I read so many blogs and they always seem so interesting and the writers always have something to say and here I am a college student with an avarage existance so I started to think of interesting facts about myself. For a stranger, perhaps the most interesting fact that I could think of, one that has shaped my views and my life forever is the fact that my mother is a lesbian.

My parents were married very young (my mom 19 and my dad 21 or thereabouts)and remained married for 19 years, when I was two years old my mom asked my dad to leave and by three years old my parents were officially divorced. My mom had custody and my dad had visitations every-other weekend. By about 4 or 5 my moms girlfriend had begun spending the night and by second grade we all moved into a house together (me my mom and her girlfriend)

By this point it was clear that my moms "girlfriend" was more than just a girlfriend, she was a life parnter who loved me and took on the task of raising me as her own (I'll go into more of that later). Anyways at my young age all of this was both normal (because I had been around it for so long) and terribly difficult. Terribly difficult because what do you tell your friends when they come over for a sleepover (and remember this is early to mid nineties people were NOT nearly as accepting as they are today) I hated knowing that I had one of the most wonderful families imaginable who provided me with all the love and support a girl could want but that others didn't approve so I somehow felt that my mom was wrong and my family counted less than others. All of this was compounded by the fact that my dad (who was and is my best friend and my absolute rock)is very religious and would inadvertantly and sometimes I think on purpose teach about the wrongs of homosexuality and various other sins. I was terrified that my mom would burn in hell and that if I didn't try to change her I would too, all of this stress was the beginning of my anxiety and OCD tendencies (but that is a story for a much later post lol) So, though V.(my moms partner) was absolutely wonderful and I loved my family very much I spent the majority of my childhood begging my mom, if she loved me, to please change who she was.

Finally when I was about 12 or 13 one day everything my mom had been trying to teach me just hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I loved my family, I had a mom, a dad, and an extra mom and all the beautiful and wonderful members of her extended family that she brought along. I had 3 parents!!!! I had a mom who was happy and content with who she was and was thus able to teach me to be accepting of myself and others. I'm starting to tear up as I write this because honestly, I have two moms, they are both my mothers and I am their daughter and I have learned innumerable lessons from living the life that I have and for that I cannot thank my mom enough, for having courage to stand up and be herself at a time when it wasn't "socially acceptable" (we still have a long way to go there but we're making progress) Furthermore I am so thankful for having V. in my life because she is my mother, not "like a mother" not "a stepmother of sorts" but my mother, I love her the same way I love my mother, and I cannot stress that enough.

There are people who often say to me, "two women can't love each other like a man and a woman" or "its just a friendship not love" or "kids can't be raised in a home with homosexual parents" I am here to tell you (though I had the best of both worlds because I had a dad as well as two moms) that they can and do everywhere around the world. I babysit 3 wonderful children who have two moms, two of them were conceived through artificial insemination and the youngest was adopted from russia and they are the picture of normal, well adjusted children. They are so smart and accepting of others it amazes me. The other night me and their daughter had a conversation that went something like this

Her: Nicole, where do you live?
Me: When I'm at school I live in a dorm, when I'm not at school I live with my mom.
Her: Oh. Do you live with anyone at school?
Me: Yes, I live with a roomate named _________.
Her: Is she your partner?
Me (amazed at how much she knows): No shes just a friend.
Her: O ok.

It makes me so happy to be able to talk like that with a child who is only 7 or 8 years old and have them ask about my "partner". I can't really explain it I guess I'm just so happy that she has an understanding and security that I might not have had at her age.

Anyway if you're still reading by now, I sincerely thank you (and apologize for my lack of punctuation) and the bottom line is: don't judge others because everyone has feelings and we're all pretty much the same underneath it all.

P.S. I promise not all my posts will be so deep and involved, this is just a bit of background about what makes me me!

P.P.S. As I mentioned my darling doggies in my "about me section" I deem it only fair that I immediately post pics for your (and my) viewing pleasure :)


Introducing Roxie (shes an American Eskimo)

And Maggie (white german shepherd husky mix)