Are your nickles beautiful?

Ok I'm gonna say how much school sucks for just a couple seconds and then I'll stop being all "woe is me" about my life. Dude, the fourth year of college, it is hard. There is much studying and learning of obscure facts that don't have much to do with my future career at all. And here I sit at work with nothing to do and instead of catching up on some of said studying here I am writing a blog entry hahaha That's me redefining procrastination on a daily basis! That should be the slogan for my life.
Anyways everything else is good, the doggies are adorable as usual and there's not much else to report. Oh wait I do have one funny tidbit to report I was talking to the bf the other day and he wasn't wearing a shirt and I looked down and said "Wow I never noticed it before but your nipples are really small" he thought about it for a minute and said "Do you think my nickles (nipples) are beautiful?" LOL

Hilarious things my boyfriend has said to me lately

Now keep in mind that he is from Brazil and his mastery of the English language is a bit shaky at best.

Him(trying to make me mad): "I have a son in Brazil."
Me "What's his name?"
loooong pause
Him: "Uhhh her name is Jefferson?...i messed that up didn't I?"

Me: "Why did you sleep with that girl in Texas?"
Him: "Because she scraped (trying to say raped) me"

Him (about me): "yeah so I told the lady at the condo that you speak very well english"

"if they don't fix this problem for me will you help me punch them because i think you're gonna punch super good because you yell at me all the time"

"whats this word 'sunshine' does it mean something sweet?"

"bugs don't bite me because my blood is super good, i eat garlic and when they come to bite me they run away. You just need to eat brazilian food and stop having bad blood"

"i like you because you're not super fat, just a little bit"

"baby im surprised! you look hot!"

"i said i did because you said i did but i no did" (riiiiiiight)

All I feel's alone, might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul (yes that title is shamelessly stolen from John Mayer)

I know I said I'd post "later" which apparently means in you know 5-6 days or whenever I get around to it. In my defense the subject matter is kinda heavy so it takes longer to will myself to write it. In other words...brace yourself this is gonna be a long, emotion-laden one.

I did in fact go visit the ex and his family last weekend and that one week break I took after I returned home? That was me assessing the emotional carnage. Who in the hell thought visiting the ex would be a good idea? Like seriously what kind of idiot gets over someone and then decides that they should plunge themselves right back into their life??? You may not be able to guess it from the tone of this entry but the weekend was amazing and loads of fun, thats the problem. I miss them all so very, very much. I was so unhappy before that it was semi-easy to just walk away but now??? Not so much. As I write this I feel depression, not sadness, not regret, but deep down emotional distress and sorrow. So on the car ride home (after the first hour was spent crying uncontrollably) I started to analyze myself (what can I say I'm a psych major, it's what I do). It suddenly dawned on me that this pain was a familiar pain, a hurt so deep that it expresses itself in every aspect of my life. I become some neurotic basketcase who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning for fear of facing my feelings, it's exhausting. Sometimes people think that I'm just lazy (and sometimes I am) but how do I tell them that sometimes it's just because I don't want to face pain, real or perceived. When I'm in this mood everything I see and do reminds me of how un-happy I am. I realized that I feel this way after returning from my visit because those people love me, and I them. Everyone I meet tells the ex how great I am and they actually fight over whose house I should stay at, they speak what little English they know and include me in all that they do. They gossip with me about his new fuck buddy and they tell me not to be sad, that I am their family and she never will be. Above all there is always someone around for me. That's the bottom line, that's where I had my epiphany of sorts. As I mentioned above this pain was not new; I have felt it many times before but I had forgotten how miserable it was. It takes me back to the days of my childhood when I would spend every-other weekend with my dad. We would have the best time, not because he's extravagant and took me everywhere I wanted to go or because he bought me things but because he genuinely understood me and was always there (notice the theme?). The best memories of my life thus far include rainy Saturdays spent inside, just me and my dad, eating chicken noodle soup and talking about everything and nothing at all. When Sunday would roll around I would be devastated, I would begin to cry two hours before I was supposed to be home, sometimes I would get physically ill and beg my Dad not to make me go and I would see the tears in his eyes as he would pull away. It's not that my mom was some terrible monster, she loved me and cared for me the best way that she knew how but it just wasn't the same. She didn't quite "get" me nor did she want to spend quality time with me. I felt isolated and alone and I remember crying and feeling miserable until I could return to my dads again. I didn't realize it until later in life but I was actually depressed; at 8 years old I suffered from depression and tons of anxiety which expressed itself as OCD oftentimes. Okay so there's my sob story, you've heard it and now I'll get to the point the theme is I am terrified, I mean terrified, of being alone. At both my dad's house and now with the ex's family I feel like everyone is there for me, that I can be alone in a room but not be alone. Here at my house, at my desk, I am alone, alone in the world. I pass my mom in the hallway and we talk but for all intents and purposes I am alone. Now that I'm older and have the tools to help myself I know that I will be okay, I know that this feeling of sadness will pass and that I cannot become involved in a relationship solely because of a great emotional environment; that would be a cop-out, and I am putting it in writing right here so that when I feel weak and like he's my only option I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am strong and I won't take the easy road; I've worked through to much to do that now.

The entry in which the parenthesis usage got out of control

Did I really make a promise to write everyday??? Come on it's me, like that will happen. So I will amend what I said to sound something like: whenever I have a lesson to share but still more often than if I were just posting long rambling entries about nothing in particular. Got it??? Good.

On to today's business, I'm debating whether to drive down and see the ex's fam. We've been talking and I miss them all like crazy but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I mean clearly I'll see him if I go unless he gets called to work and to be truthful I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. He's so off the wall, one day he calls begging me to come back to him (and last week I actually got a semi-marriage proposal if you call "My family loves you we have to get married someday" a proposal lol and followed shortly thereafter (after he was rejected of course) by asking me to give him a baby). But the thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any of that, he's dating some hussy from North Carolina so it's all good. And I have no feelings for him anymore so I'm not worried about anything happening. It's just that I am a very sentimental person and I don't know if I can make that same drive, and see those same faces, and do all of those same things knowing that last time I was there and every time before that we were together (that place is synonyous with "us") and even worse that this may be the last time I see all of them (b/c honestly how often have I driven there in the last 4 months). I have to go sooner or later so now seems as good a time as any but I don't know, we'll see. Oh and clearly I will not be staying at his bug-infested apartment (lol) I'll be staying with his aunt that lives nearby and her daughter; my angel-girl that I referenced in this post. So I'll be back with details of either how it went or why I decided not to go and perhaps pictures of my Brazilian babies. Wish me luck!

Oh and I guess my lesson from all of this could be: Don't be so over-run by emotions from the past that you miss out on having fun in the present. Or if things go terribly: Sometimes there's a reason you broke up, now stay away dumb bitch.

Beautiful girl

I haven't seen my favorite kid in the world (my boyfriends 18 month old cousin) for about a month and a half now and today she actually got his phone and called me and as soon as I answered said my name (she pronounced it "cocoa" which is even cuter). She could not do that before!!! I made her a blanket and gave it to her last time I saw her and my b.f. told me that she sleeps with it every night and whenever she sees it she asks "Cocoa?" What else could I ask for???? Hopefully when she's older I'll be the cool cousin she can talk to about anything because lets face it if I can simultaneously bond with her and tease her about calling me "cocoa" my life will be complete.