My big white baby

Since Maggie started doggie daycare it has occurred to me on more than one occasion (for instance, last night when I was getting ready to climb into my nice comfy bed which I had just put fresh sheets and a comforter on when I heard gag,buuurp,gag, york!!! and then Maggie's mouth opened and every edible substance in the whole world came flying out of her mouth and immediately the whole room smelled like rotten crap; or the few days before when I dropped her off at daycare and she went charging in to attack the first dog that attempted to sniff her butt region and had to be sprayed w/ a water bottle and put in "time out") how much this animal raising parallels raising children. Except for the fact that raising children is magnified by about 10 million, I would imagine. But when she was sick I still sat there and petted her until she relaxed (she gets really scared when she regurgitates anything. There's a sentence I never thought I'd type) and spot cleaned and stripped the bedding and re-made it. And when she gets in trouble at daycare I still get that embarrassed feeling and start to blush because I TAUGHT MY DOG BETTER THAN THAT AND NOW THESE PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M SOME KIND OF NEANDERTHAL WHO LETS MY DOG ROAM AROUND ATTACKING WHOEVER SHE DARN WELL PLEASES.

All of this to say that a) i am ridiculous and have no life and b)wow I'm glad I didn't get pregnant that one time the condom broke when I was like 18 and in loooove or else I'd be knee deep in these experiences by now. And kids? They can talk and yell and cry and throw fits.

Growth

All of this waiting and worrying and still having to move on with my daily life is teaching me a lesson. I can see myself growing as a person and learning to rely a lot more on God and trust that his will is being done. I'm not usually one to wax all religious on here but I am feeling growth as a person and for me God is part of that so...just sayin. Anyways I finally got an e-mail from J yesterday and gosh did it hit home how much I truly miss him but also how much I didn't really expect to hear from him and was beginning the very initial stages of moving on. But at the same time it felt right, like I knew I would hear from him all along. I don't know what the heck I'm saying, I'm so confused but basically God is working on me and even though it's been hard it doesn't feel devastating like it did before, it just feels like an obstacle I must overcome to obtain true contentment and happiness. Growth people, its all about growth.

I have no words for this one

Dude I'm trying really hard not to break down crying at my desk while I write this. Let me begin by saying I SUCK AT LIFE. That pretty much sums up everything that follows so save yourself and just stop reading there. I referenced the breakup of me and my now ex a few days ago here. It is so hard for me to write about this shit on here because I just babble incoherently until I get so sick of myself that I just end the post and go slap myself (okay so not really but you get the point.) Well anyways we have been keeping in touch and despite what he thinks I truly do care about him and miss him. One night he called when I was out for drinks with another guy and I made the mistake of answering and it was all over, he was mega pissed and also waaay upset. He was so hurt and I felt so guilty b/c we had just ended it and I was already out with someone else. I didn't want him to feel like I ditched him for the next best thing because that was not the case. I wish things could work out between us but the hardest thing is loving someone so much that you can admit that it can't work and then let that person go so that they can be truly happy. Right? That's what I thought except apparently he thought we were truly happy. He didn't believe all those phone calls telling him that I felt we were growing apart and I sensed him pulling away. He didn't believe me when I told him I was starting to dream about other guys and it scared me. He didn't listen when I tried to tell him about my day. But apparently all that went unnoticed because I found out last night that he had bought an engagement ring for me three months ago and was going to surprise me on Christmas. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Whaaaaaat?????? Absolutely did not see that coming. And I also didn't realize I would want it so much while at the same time knowing I can't have it. I feel like such a bitch for just saying "this isn't working" and being out with another guy a few nights later when he was apparently thinking things were waaaaaay more serious. He is such a great guy, I cannot say that enough, but we just don't work as a couple. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how much I hurt him and I feel like the biggest scumbag on this planet. Not to mention that I could have been fucking engaged on Christmas!!! WTF???? Perhaps you don't understand the magnitude of this let me lay it out for you :this guy could never fully get his shit together and come to find out he got his shit together and I lost my shit. And with that I can officially say I suck at life and at metaphors.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with

Following is a copy of the message I sent to the now ex boyfriend. Don't really want to talk about it right now except to say that we were broken up before (again too lazy to link) but this time it is more definite, more final. I feel like shit but I didn't do it to hurt him. It sucks to love someone and know that you have to let them go because they're just not right for you.


Hey, I just wanted to say hi and that I know you don't believe me and I know you don't want to talk to me but I truly do care about you. You are a great person, just not the right one for me. You will make some girl very very happy and though I will always feel just a little bit jealous I will be happy for you. I don't want you to hate me but I understand why you're pushing me away, it was never my intention to hurt you, I was lonely and I couldn't wait forever. It's not that I don't understand your life, because I do, it's just that it's not the life I want for myself. I will never ever forget you even though you say you'll forget me I know that's not true. What we had was so special and I still miss it everyday but what were my choices?? Wait for months or years until you were ready to pay attention to me?? I can't do that anymore, life's too short to wait around. If you don't have time for me now then you don't deserve my time later. I know you're just being mean to me out of anger but I really hope that someday soon we can be close friends because I miss you. I miss your smile and your accent and the way you make me laugh, I miss the nighttime "flashlight shows" you did on the ceiling, I miss the comfort of laying in your bed and staring at the ceiling, I miss our stupid little arguments and I miss feeling proud of you when you learn something new. Please don't throw everything away, I still want to be close to you as a friend. If that can't happen right now I understand but hopefully it can happen someday.
I did not mean to hurt you and I am sooo sooo sorry that it came to that but always remember me and all the fun that we had.
All my love,
Nicole

Signed "The college student/blogger"

Whew I'm cuttin it close tonight but this will be posted before midnight! I'm in the midst of studying for a French "causerie" aka a forced conversation between you and a partner about a pre-selected topic on which you are graded by your instructor (I pretty much failed the last time as noted here) and basically things aren't lookin much better for this time. So since I have to get back to the grind I'll make this short yet poignant k?

As I was driving home from dinner tonight I was at a stoplight where a homeless man usually stands. I glanced to my left and he wasn't there but instead was a tattered pizza box, folded over onto itself and standing up with a message written on it, it said "Whoever stole my bag I forgive you, I hope you needed my dirty clothes and blankets" and was signed "the homeless guy" For some reason this really touched me, it was just one of those things that you see at the right time and it strikes a chord. I called my mom to tell her about just that but her response was to say that it was just a ploy. I am not naive and I don't usually fall for stuff like that but for some reason I just felt that this was true. Why would it be a ploy to get money if he wasn't even standing there with the box? At any rate it made me think of all the homeless people I have ever passed, people who were asking for nothing from anyone just huddled in a doorway (or sprawled on a sidewalk) to sleep, how we generalize and put all of these people into one category "the homeless people". This man has a name, a story, a life and something about seeing it signed "the homeless man" just hit me like a ton of bricks. Also not to be overlooked is the fact that this man who has nothing to his name other than what he can carry around with him can forgive someone for being such an ass and stealing his last earthly possessions that he wasn't physically wearing. Somehow it makes me feel more than a little ignorant for instantly hating someone just because they cut me off in traffic.

Does this mean I believe everyone who is on the street claiming to need money is legitimate? No. Does this mean I'm going to give money to every less fortunate person I pass? No. It just means that for a second I really thought about the individual I pass everyday as opposed to defining him by nothing more than the labels I ascribe to him and it made me want to be a little more forgiving of others. So if it was a ploy it was a damn good one. Thank you.

Hmm turns out it wasn't so short after all!

Career? That sounds all fancy-like. Do not want.

Today's lesson: Sometimes waiting until the last minute to do a paper really works and the bullshit flows like wine (albeit cheap wine from a box, possibly with a broken spout, but wine nonetheless.)

Oh and incidentally I will be starting my fourth year of college in a couple weeks, I cannot believe it. Because I changed my major a while ago I won't have my bachelors until December of 08 but sweet mother of humanity I have friends who are graduating,graduating. As in they will have careers not just jobs. My friends, people I associate with and suffered through high-school with will be professionals, followed shortly thereafter by me. Where does the time go?? It feels like I just started college and that I've been there forever all at the same time. I still don't feel like i graduated high-school and college graduation is fast approaching (not to worry it will be followed by several years of grad-school before I can begin my career, mother of pearl that sounds weird). The sunrise-sunset-ness of it all it just too much.

All I feel's alone, might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul (yes that title is shamelessly stolen from John Mayer)

I know I said I'd post "later" which apparently means in you know 5-6 days or whenever I get around to it. In my defense the subject matter is kinda heavy so it takes longer to will myself to write it. In other words...brace yourself this is gonna be a long, emotion-laden one.

I did in fact go visit the ex and his family last weekend and that one week break I took after I returned home? That was me assessing the emotional carnage. Who in the hell thought visiting the ex would be a good idea? Like seriously what kind of idiot gets over someone and then decides that they should plunge themselves right back into their life??? You may not be able to guess it from the tone of this entry but the weekend was amazing and loads of fun, thats the problem. I miss them all so very, very much. I was so unhappy before that it was semi-easy to just walk away but now??? Not so much. As I write this I feel depression, not sadness, not regret, but deep down emotional distress and sorrow. So on the car ride home (after the first hour was spent crying uncontrollably) I started to analyze myself (what can I say I'm a psych major, it's what I do). It suddenly dawned on me that this pain was a familiar pain, a hurt so deep that it expresses itself in every aspect of my life. I become some neurotic basketcase who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning for fear of facing my feelings, it's exhausting. Sometimes people think that I'm just lazy (and sometimes I am) but how do I tell them that sometimes it's just because I don't want to face pain, real or perceived. When I'm in this mood everything I see and do reminds me of how un-happy I am. I realized that I feel this way after returning from my visit because those people love me, and I them. Everyone I meet tells the ex how great I am and they actually fight over whose house I should stay at, they speak what little English they know and include me in all that they do. They gossip with me about his new fuck buddy and they tell me not to be sad, that I am their family and she never will be. Above all there is always someone around for me. That's the bottom line, that's where I had my epiphany of sorts. As I mentioned above this pain was not new; I have felt it many times before but I had forgotten how miserable it was. It takes me back to the days of my childhood when I would spend every-other weekend with my dad. We would have the best time, not because he's extravagant and took me everywhere I wanted to go or because he bought me things but because he genuinely understood me and was always there (notice the theme?). The best memories of my life thus far include rainy Saturdays spent inside, just me and my dad, eating chicken noodle soup and talking about everything and nothing at all. When Sunday would roll around I would be devastated, I would begin to cry two hours before I was supposed to be home, sometimes I would get physically ill and beg my Dad not to make me go and I would see the tears in his eyes as he would pull away. It's not that my mom was some terrible monster, she loved me and cared for me the best way that she knew how but it just wasn't the same. She didn't quite "get" me nor did she want to spend quality time with me. I felt isolated and alone and I remember crying and feeling miserable until I could return to my dads again. I didn't realize it until later in life but I was actually depressed; at 8 years old I suffered from depression and tons of anxiety which expressed itself as OCD oftentimes. Okay so there's my sob story, you've heard it and now I'll get to the point the theme is I am terrified, I mean terrified, of being alone. At both my dad's house and now with the ex's family I feel like everyone is there for me, that I can be alone in a room but not be alone. Here at my house, at my desk, I am alone, alone in the world. I pass my mom in the hallway and we talk but for all intents and purposes I am alone. Now that I'm older and have the tools to help myself I know that I will be okay, I know that this feeling of sadness will pass and that I cannot become involved in a relationship solely because of a great emotional environment; that would be a cop-out, and I am putting it in writing right here so that when I feel weak and like he's my only option I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am strong and I won't take the easy road; I've worked through to much to do that now.

The entry in which the parenthesis usage got out of control

Did I really make a promise to write everyday??? Come on it's me, like that will happen. So I will amend what I said to sound something like: whenever I have a lesson to share but still more often than if I were just posting long rambling entries about nothing in particular. Got it??? Good.

On to today's business, I'm debating whether to drive down and see the ex's fam. We've been talking and I miss them all like crazy but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I mean clearly I'll see him if I go unless he gets called to work and to be truthful I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. He's so off the wall, one day he calls begging me to come back to him (and last week I actually got a semi-marriage proposal if you call "My family loves you we have to get married someday" a proposal lol and followed shortly thereafter (after he was rejected of course) by asking me to give him a baby). But the thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any of that, he's dating some hussy from North Carolina so it's all good. And I have no feelings for him anymore so I'm not worried about anything happening. It's just that I am a very sentimental person and I don't know if I can make that same drive, and see those same faces, and do all of those same things knowing that last time I was there and every time before that we were together (that place is synonyous with "us") and even worse that this may be the last time I see all of them (b/c honestly how often have I driven there in the last 4 months). I have to go sooner or later so now seems as good a time as any but I don't know, we'll see. Oh and clearly I will not be staying at his bug-infested apartment (lol) I'll be staying with his aunt that lives nearby and her daughter; my angel-girl that I referenced in this post. So I'll be back with details of either how it went or why I decided not to go and perhaps pictures of my Brazilian babies. Wish me luck!

Oh and I guess my lesson from all of this could be: Don't be so over-run by emotions from the past that you miss out on having fun in the present. Or if things go terribly: Sometimes there's a reason you broke up, now stay away dumb bitch.

If you want to sing out, sing out: a life lesson brought to you by Cat Stevens

I know, I know, I'm an asshole, I didn't post my lesson for yesterday so I will do it now and then I have an awesome, thought provoking piece to write later because basically; that's how I roll. (Insert long pause here while I re-play yesterday in my head and try to scrounge up some life affirming lesson that should have been taken away)......Hmmmm, ummmmm ok, still nothing, oh ok I got one. Don't be afraid to be out of your comfort zone but conversely, don't feel the need to be someone you're not just to seem "well-adjusted". This stems from the fact that due to my only child status I like a lot of alone time. I am the girl sitting across the room eating lunch with a paperback. Though I enjoy this time I am also worried that others think I'm a loser for often being alone and sometimes I'm alone even when I don't want to be which makes me feel like even more of a loser. So basically what I'm trying to say here is just do what you want to do and what makes you happy and screw everyone else but also strive to get out of your comfort zone every once in awhile just for personal growth reasons.

And in the words of Cat Stevens:

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
You see ah ah ah
Its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
cause theres a million things to do
You know that there are


Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

Procrastination, it's my middle name

Ok I really need to not wait until 11 o'clock the night before a test to start studying! Anyways to procrastinate studying even more my lesson for today is: When changing the toner on a copy machine you don't actually take the whole thing out and put a new one in like you would on a printer; it's more of a transferring the contents of one thing to another thing type deal, and if it's done incorrectly I hear it's one of the messiest mistakes ever (not that I would know personally). So by all means read the instructions on the box or at least pay attention to the freaking tutorial that the copy machine itself will walk you through.

hand + spit = life lesson

Today's lesson: Sometimes the only thing that will clean millions of little itty bitty tiny hairs off of an upholstered surface(or at least gather it into a pile so one can suck it up in the vacuum) is your hand and a bit of spit.

A lifetime of lessons

Yeah so it's been awhile since my last post, sorry about that. I can't say I've been extraordinarily busy or anything, just lazy and procrastinating as per my usual. I was thinking today about how sometimes I want to write but I don't really know what to write or I have too much to write so I just don't. Then I had a great idea, since I am always learning little lessons from others I decided that I will write a "lesson of the day" each day even if I don't post an actual "post". Great idea right???? That way I'll be able to remember the lessons others teach me instead of thinking briefly about them and then filing them away. Sometimes I may just write the lessons, sometimes I may have a story to go along with them sometimes the lesson may be incorporated into an "actual post" but this seems like just what I need to make me write.

All that being said today I went to a Serbian picnic with my grandpa and mom and v. and there was an old woman there who so wanted to get up and dance (you could just see it in her eyes, that and the way she was swaying around waving her arms)but no one else was dancing so she held off. A few minutes later my grandpa decided he was ready to leave so I stood up to start clearing off the table and the woman came over to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said something to me which I didn't quite understand (I thought maybe she just had a thick accent) to which I replied "What?" and she said it again in my ear. The problem with this was that she was not speaking English but Serbian which I do not speak at all. So instead of just being a normal person and explaining that I don't speak Serbian I just turned my back on the poor woman and went about my business. I just panicked and ignored her. I have no explanation as to why and I cannot justify it, I was a complete and total bitch to someone just because I felt uncomfortable. It hit me so hard at that moment, not just because I acted terribly to her but because I saw a bigger pattern, when I get uncomfortable (usually in certain social situations) or when things don't go my way I shut down. I cannot do this, it is not okay and it is a terrible and useless defense mechanism, I know this and I need to change it. If I ever see her again she'll probably think "There's that rude girl who couldn't even talk to me, who ignored me like I was trash" (and I wouldn't blame her at all). I feel so terribly for it (and not because of what she may think of me but because I know I was an ass) so I am sorry, sincerely sorry to anyone I have ever shut out and anyone I have ever hurt on account of my insecurities. So my lesson for today is: if things are tough don't shut down, it accomplishes nothing and to top it all off it has the potential to hurt others.