Nicole, the fraudulent writer

As I sit here trying to write the last 8 pages of my 10 page paper that is due TOMORROW I have come to the realization that I absolutely adore writing...but only on my terms. Give me a topic and a deadline and writers block takes up residence in my brain. I am constantly feeling like my words are all wrong and I'm not portraying what I wish I could be portraying. Basically, what it amounts to is that I'm an only child and therefore a perfectionist and I am so scared of failure that I will wait till the last minute to do an assignment because I don't want time to re-read or re-think it. Thus far the strategy has worked and I usually get great grades on anything that involves writing because though I may be a perfectionist I am also the Queen of b.s.-ing my way through stuff. But I'm worried that one day my luck will run out and the entire academic community will realize that I am nothing but a fraud and they will take back all the good grades they ever gave me. Yeah I know just shut up and write the freakin paper, if only it were that easy.

I am so stupid

So me and my mom were riding in the car today and she was talking about going to the card store, and would I go to the card store with her?, and on and on with the card store talk so I agreed to go with her. I asked her what card store we were going to and since we already had to get a prescription why didn't we just get a card at CVS? To which she replied "No I want to go to "that card store"

Riiiight, of course that card store

Me: Which one?

Mom: You know that one next to where we used to go grocery shopping, the one by the Chinese store?

Me: We don't have a Chinese store anywhere in Akron what the hell are you talking about?

Mom: BITE MY ASS NICOLE!

Me: Are you talking about Hallmark???

Mom: YES!!!

Me: God!, why didn't you just say the Hallmark next to Tops and the Chinese restaurant?

Mom: Don't be stupid you knew what I meant

Unfortuneately for me I really thought she was talking about some damn little Chinese store and so I started visualizing what exactly a Chinese store would sell and then explaining it to my mom (As in "noooo mom if it were a store it would have....")and here are some of the gems I came up with:

1)Specialty chopsticks
2)Imported rice
3)Kimono's
4)Those Chinese dragon costumes that they use at festivals and such
5)Paper lanterns

And thats as far as I got because, and please don't ask me why,at that moment no funnier words had ever been uttered in the English language than paper lanterns and specialty chopsticks.

Had to add the mom quote

Oh yeah and my most recent mom quote:

We were joking about smoking pot

Mom: Yeah I smoked tons of pot when I was pregnant with you, that's why you were born hungry!

Keep in mind that is a complete joke there was no smoking of pot during pregnancy and while I was born loving food it has nothing to do with marijuana.

I need to be more secure in my relationships

My absolute best friend S. and I have never really had a fight. It's easy for us because she lives in Virginia and I live here so when we're together we don't have time to annoy each other and/or fight. My ex-friend (refered to before on this blog as X) once told me I was a cop-out because it's much easier to have good friendships with people that you hardly ever see and that really pissed me off but what if thats true????

Tonight S. called me and we were talking and all of a sudden she got all X on my ass and right in the middle of the convo said "I'm done talking bye" and hung up. I am devastated because a)it's very rude b)we've never had a fight before and c) i hate having anyone mad at me d) it brings back terrible memories of X and e) I have no idea what happened to make her say that. A simple action like that just demonstrates complete disregard for someone else and it really hurts me.

It's times like these that I know why I only have a few close friends, it hurts me too much have people mad at me or to have them talk about me so I only get close to a few people and the others can say what they want but I try not to care. For that reason I need my close friends to be loyal and not induce petty fights/arguments so here's hoping this is the last and only disagreement between us (even though I have no idea what it's about at this point) and if it's not I might need to consider becoming a hermit.

On Obituaries

I'm noticing a definite theme here. Today, for the third time in my life, I have been asked to write my own obituary. I know I don't always look my best but does everyone think I look like I'm dying?

Maybe I'm over-reacting because this was assigned to the whole class (on all three occasions, the first dating back to my Sunday School days.) But goodness, I don't want to think about dying. Maybe someday I'll be comfortable with death, specifically my own, but right now I just have too much life left to live and too many things to accomplish and too much to prove to myself. So I may be about to write my own imaginary obituary but I am far from dying.

Perfect example of why I should never be allowed to write on the weekend

Well I've had a very busy weekend, for once it didnt consist solely of sleeping all day and clearing out my DVR all night. Friday night I went out to dinner with the family then we saw an acrobatic show (grandpa really wanted to go), saturday we had a wedding shower followed by dinner and then we went to the theatre to see RENT. It was absolutely awesome, I loved it! Then today was just a bunch of chores and taking Maggie to the dog park and having the neighbor over for dinner but I digress.

What I really want to say is this: Have you ever noticed how much bridal showers and/or weddings make you analyze your current relationship? Holy crap! I was just sitting there semi-watching the bride-to-be open upwards of 12 million appliances when I noticed a book being passed around. When said book got to me I saw that it was nothing more than a dusty old hardback and thought to myself: Why in the name of Bob are they passing this around. I flipped it open and just saw yellowing pages so I flipped through it a bit more and thats when i saw it. Somewhere in the middle of the book the groom-to-be (my cousin) had typed up a story about his relationship with his girlfriend (now fiance) it went on for several pages highlighting the ups and downs of their relationship and finished with a list of about 50 things that he loves about her, then it told her to flip the page and there was written a marriage proposal along with a place for a ring box that he had cut out of the book and lined with fabric. OH MY GOSH COULD IT GET ANY SWEETER THAN THAT?????

I was so touched (though somewhat jealous lol) that I didn't even mention the several grammatical and spelling errors I had noticed throughout the sacred document. Am I or am I not the most supportive cousin in the world?

But bottom line I started to think about my relationship and where it was going and would he ever be able to give me half of that proposal if we got to that point, and what if he did and I wasn't ready and blah blah blah on and on for the next 2 hours of the shower. It sucks I don't wanna analyze relationships and actions. I much prefer to just go with the flow and see what happens but here's hoping I choose the right man to spend forever with because I've had my fair share of losers and furthermore here's assuming that there's a "Mr. Right" even out there.


P.S.
Excerpt from a conversation between me and my mom (who is home from vacation thank God!)

Setting: At a table by the bathroom in some restaurant.

Me: "Mom, at what age do you think parents should stop bringing opposite sex childen into the restroom with them?"

Mom: "I have no idea"

Me: "Well it's more common to see little boys in the womens room than it is to see little girls in the mens room I would imagine."

Mom: "Nicole I have never seen a little girl in the mens room.......

Me: I give her a strange look

Mom: hysterical laughter ensues because she realizes that she has never been in a men's room

We Mourn

There are a million different things that I could write about but somehow writing about going out to dinner, or how long it took me to finish a paper, or how cute my dogs are etc. seems ridiculous when so many people are going through such a horrible time.

I have realized that in times of crisis we are constantly looking at others to decide how to react. If something is not broadcast day in and day out on the news we are not as likely to react, plain and simple; along the same lines if no one else makes a big deal we tend not to. Regardless of these facts, however, I do not need to look to anyone or anything else to know that I am grieving for those at Virginia Tech. I'm ashamed to say this but somehow, because my best friend goes there and I have the very real knowledge that it could have been her I feel even more of a connection to the tragedy. I've cried about the massacre a fair amount and I have done so because I cannot believe this could happen, I cannot believe a human being could be so heartless, cold, and calculating and then have the nerve to blame it on the victims of his rage. It is all well beyond my realm of understanding. I have also cried because of the thought that these people were merely sitting in class, bettering themselves, and preparing for the future and in a couple minutes their future disappeared. I picture myself in that situation, and imagine the absolute terror that would run through my body and I honestly cannot fathom it, I cannot imagine knowing that my life might end in a few minutes when seconds ago I was dreaming of the future. I cannot believe that a man has the power to take away 32 lives and all that they might have brought to this world had they been able to live. But most of all I cannot imagine any of it because it makes no sense. No motive, no yelling, no negotiating, just a man calmly walking into a building and destroying countless lives. I could go on and on but I'll never accurately portray my feelings so suffice it to say I mourn, correction WE mourn for all that the victims were and could have been, for parents who will never get to hug their children again, for lives that were destroyed because of one man's problems.

And when life returns to "normal" for us may we not forget to remember this event and furthermore never allow it to stop reminding us how fragile life is.

I can't even think of a title

I'm not really sure about all the details but today at Virginia Tech there was a shooting. A lot of people were killed (right now they're saying 32)by one man. My best friend in the whole world goes to school there but luckily she wasnt there this morning. I cannot imagine the pain people must be feeling and I'm not really sure what to say about it all except please, please pray for all of those who are suffering, I know I will be doing so and thanking God that my friend is safe.

Things like this really make you remember how fragile life is and remind you to be thankful for every single day and never ever take your friends for granted.

writing when i should be sleeping

You know I really don't know why I don't write on most weekends. I guess they're my escape from reality and I like to pretend I never have to go back to school or work or the mundane tasks of day to day life. Maybe that's also why I find it so hard to do homework on weekends; because I think the weekend will never end....that or I'M A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LAZY ASS (take my word for it, its mostly the latter). Not much happened this weekend, I made some apple pies for the b.f.'s family and they seemed to enjoy them, I even taught his sister in law and aunt how to make them "the American way". Incidentally, I absolutely love his family but I will get into that more later because it's 2:15 a.m. and I'm running the serious risk of typing a bunch of incoherent crap so instead I'm going to bed. Goodnight

p.s. My mom is on vacation in the Dry Tortugas until Wednesday which means a) I can't talk to her which is killin me and b) no funny mommy quotes until at least wednesday :( ....and the world collectively weeps.

One in a long list of things that annoy me

You know what pisses me off??? Well there are an innumerable amount of things but let me narrow it down to the one that pissed me off today. It pisses me off when you're standing in line at the place that rhymes with Cubway and you think you're only in line behind 3 people and then someone faxes in an order for 10 subs and you're stuck waiting for them to make 13 freakin subs!!!!

If people can't cut me in line I sure as hell don't think a piece of paper should have the power to do so but then again I could punch a person whereas a piece of paper....not so much.

How good of a citizen is your canine?

My dog Maggie, you know one of the two adorable dogs featured regularly on this page, is in doggie school. She did obedience last year and sorta passed and now she is just doing a class called something like "good citizen canine". Basically she just learns how to not rip your arm out of its socket when you go for a walk and how to not pummel people when they visit.

My mom has been taking her for about 5 weeks now and last Thursday I went to watch and may I just say my dog was not the best dog there but she was the absolute cutest. She would be laying on the floor while the instructor was talking about the next exercise and she would look at me across the room and I would mouth the words "I Love You" (which she probably thought meant "I'll buy you filet mignon after this class is over because you are just that good") and she would wag her tail, subtly, so as not to disturb others because that is just how good of a citizen my canine is.

Could you out-run an apple?

Usually my job is boring and today was no exception except for a period of a few seconds while I was making some copies. I was copying some huge packets so I had plenty of time to stare out the window while the copier did it's thing. As I was standing there I noticed this tall, stringy, guy walking down a ramp and carrying his lunch. You can see where this is going right???? Downhill....carrying food.....

Anyways an apple fell off the top of his carryout box and started rolling which struck me as quite funny in and of itself but the thing that brought tears to my eyes was seeing him CHASE the apple. There he was running downhill, plowing through groups of people chasing a piece of fruit. About 5 seconds into the chase you could see a light bulb flicker on inside his head as he realized how ridiculous he was being and he stopped cold and he was all like Apple???? What apple??? I had no apple and I most certainly did not CHASE an apple, are you kidding me?????

That was it, I was doubled over laughing. There's just something about seeing a grown man chase a piece of fruit and then deny it in the hopes of self preservation that will get you every time.

Have you ever flushed the toilet on yourself while you were in the shower? No? Well then you're smarter than me!

No you did not read that incorrectly I did in fact flush the toilet on myself while I was showering. You may be wondering how that is possible; well in an ongoing attempt to humiliate myself more and more each day by confessing what an idiot I am to the entire Internet, allow me to explain.

I like to start the shower before I get in so the water is all adjusted and I can just jump in and not worry about it, the other day was no exception so there I was starting the shower. Once I heard the water I needed to pee so I did and then......you guessed it I flushed the toilet and jumped into the shower without even thinking. Seeings how my moms house is ancient and was built in roughly 49 BC flushing the toilet the same day you want to shower is a bad idea let alone the same minute. Lots of cursing and yelling ensued from me and much laughter from Maggie who came in to see what all the noise was; even a German Shepherd is smart enough to mock my stupidity.

My sincere apologies

Ooops sorry; I confused being lonely for wanting you ~Me~

I seem to have done that quite a bit but it's time that I learned from my mistakes. Take your smile and your beautiful face, and your smooth talking and just walk away ok? Most of all I am sorry that I ever, for one second, made it seem that I would have such utter disregard for myself and my relationships just because you threw a few meaningless compliments my way. It makes me sick that I would act that way all because of my own misguided attempts at fulfilment. However, now that I know your intent for certain, trust me when I say not in this lifetime. I will not sign up for heartbreak and dishonesty for using people like they mean nothing and for throwing away all loyalty just to get laid all the while putting on a holier than thou act. It is my hope that someday you will find someone who truly makes you happy and you will not need to resort to such measures but if that doesn't happen don't worry there are plenty of sluts out there and you can buy your own unique brand of "love" one night at a time which, apparently, would suit you just fine.

Sometimes not being able to remember is the best possible thing

"Do you know I can't remember the last time we kissed. Cause you never think the last time is the last time. You think there'll be more. You think you have forever but you don't." -Meredith (Grey's Anatomy)

You know what I think? I think it's supposed to be that way, I think it protects us from the intense and raw pain that we would feel if we knew we were doing something or being with someone for the last time. It is better that we experience moments how they are supposed to be experienced rather than having the knowledge that something is ending because then we try too hard; we over-think things and we're so focused on trying to remember how things feel right in this moment that we can't actually just experience it. I think this affords us a certain amount of peace and most certainly in my case saves me from myself.