The lengthy entry filled with multiple complaints (sorry)

I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. Scared to face my feelings, but I will, eventually. For now lets listen to me whine about the beginning of school shall we??? The first day of class I accidently slept through my first one but other than that things have been going well. The classes seem pretty straightforward and easy enough but French is gonna be a big hurdle. Anyways back to the class I missed Monday morning, I had it again this morning and I was determined to get there on time, get my syllabus and catch up on anything I had missed. I was on campus (and by campus I don't mean just pulling out of my driveway like I usually do) 30 freakin minutes before class was scheduled to start. For anyone who does not know me that is a miracle, I am usually at least 10 minutes late for everything. But damn it I was gonna make a good impression. So I roll into the parking lot thinking I'll have a leasurely stroll to class HAH. My first two days of class found me gloating to my mom that "not living on campus is no problem at all, I just pull into a parking lot and someone is always leaving, it's fine, parkings no biggy" (insert slap upside my head here) Today, the day I neeeeed to be on time there is not one spot on the entire campus. I went to every lot, deck, and grass field around and there were caravans of cars following pedestrians hoping to steal their parking spot. After and HOUR of this bullshit I finally parked illegally and hoped I didn't get a ticket. I was so fed up at this point I literally felt like vomiting. I looked like such a dumbass for missing the first day and then sauntering in roughly 40 minutes late to the second class. Cripe!!!! So I'm practically tripping over myself rushing to walk alllllll the way across campus and the entire fucking walkway to the building I need to go to is closed. Our campus is constructed in such an arbitrary manner that it is extremely difficult to get to the building in a different way but alas I prevailed and cut through the student union walked across the street past the athletic fields and up two flights of stairs. Come to find out everything was blocked off because of a bomb threat. You think I could have guessed it was something semi-serious when I saw the m.f'ing NEW CHOPPER circling over my head but I was all "woe is me, couldn't they repair the walkway during the 4 freakin months of summer vacation, gosh I hate these people, they have no common sense"
It seems as though all is okay though classes in that particular building the bomb threat was made for were canceled. Also my professor seems totally cool that I missed the first class and totally interupted the second one, and he should be cause I pay about a million dollars a semester to be there (Yes, I know that's not his fault)

I heart reality tv

I'm so confused and slightly hurt (as you may have inferred from my last post) but for now I have to step away from the heavy stuff b/c I don't want to think about it (thus the avoidance of blogging for the last few weeks*) so in other words LOOK A WHOLE BUNCH OF FLUFF AND FILLER!!!!
So I was reading msn reality t.v. news today and I would just like to say that
This is what television is about. As I was reading the description of this new show a huge smile spread across my face because in some twisted way it helps me to know that I'm not the only one who lies or gets lied to. Plus, dude, if you don't tell the truth you're in front of millions of people including your family and I would imagine it would be pretty entertaining to watch someone try and wriggle their way out of those sticky situations. So, viva la/le reality tv!

*This post is brought to you by denial-it's not just a river in Egypt

If I could tell you just one thing;

I wouldn't be able to stop at just one. To summarize, I love you, I hate you, I need you, I want you, I don't want to want you, I don't want to need you, please save me.

Career? That sounds all fancy-like. Do not want.

Today's lesson: Sometimes waiting until the last minute to do a paper really works and the bullshit flows like wine (albeit cheap wine from a box, possibly with a broken spout, but wine nonetheless.)

Oh and incidentally I will be starting my fourth year of college in a couple weeks, I cannot believe it. Because I changed my major a while ago I won't have my bachelors until December of 08 but sweet mother of humanity I have friends who are graduating,graduating. As in they will have careers not just jobs. My friends, people I associate with and suffered through high-school with will be professionals, followed shortly thereafter by me. Where does the time go?? It feels like I just started college and that I've been there forever all at the same time. I still don't feel like i graduated high-school and college graduation is fast approaching (not to worry it will be followed by several years of grad-school before I can begin my career, mother of pearl that sounds weird). The sunrise-sunset-ness of it all it just too much.

P.S.

p.s. happy birthday to my daddy

p.p.s. This is amazing:

All I feel's alone, might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul (yes that title is shamelessly stolen from John Mayer)

I know I said I'd post "later" which apparently means in you know 5-6 days or whenever I get around to it. In my defense the subject matter is kinda heavy so it takes longer to will myself to write it. In other words...brace yourself this is gonna be a long, emotion-laden one.

I did in fact go visit the ex and his family last weekend and that one week break I took after I returned home? That was me assessing the emotional carnage. Who in the hell thought visiting the ex would be a good idea? Like seriously what kind of idiot gets over someone and then decides that they should plunge themselves right back into their life??? You may not be able to guess it from the tone of this entry but the weekend was amazing and loads of fun, thats the problem. I miss them all so very, very much. I was so unhappy before that it was semi-easy to just walk away but now??? Not so much. As I write this I feel depression, not sadness, not regret, but deep down emotional distress and sorrow. So on the car ride home (after the first hour was spent crying uncontrollably) I started to analyze myself (what can I say I'm a psych major, it's what I do). It suddenly dawned on me that this pain was a familiar pain, a hurt so deep that it expresses itself in every aspect of my life. I become some neurotic basketcase who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning for fear of facing my feelings, it's exhausting. Sometimes people think that I'm just lazy (and sometimes I am) but how do I tell them that sometimes it's just because I don't want to face pain, real or perceived. When I'm in this mood everything I see and do reminds me of how un-happy I am. I realized that I feel this way after returning from my visit because those people love me, and I them. Everyone I meet tells the ex how great I am and they actually fight over whose house I should stay at, they speak what little English they know and include me in all that they do. They gossip with me about his new fuck buddy and they tell me not to be sad, that I am their family and she never will be. Above all there is always someone around for me. That's the bottom line, that's where I had my epiphany of sorts. As I mentioned above this pain was not new; I have felt it many times before but I had forgotten how miserable it was. It takes me back to the days of my childhood when I would spend every-other weekend with my dad. We would have the best time, not because he's extravagant and took me everywhere I wanted to go or because he bought me things but because he genuinely understood me and was always there (notice the theme?). The best memories of my life thus far include rainy Saturdays spent inside, just me and my dad, eating chicken noodle soup and talking about everything and nothing at all. When Sunday would roll around I would be devastated, I would begin to cry two hours before I was supposed to be home, sometimes I would get physically ill and beg my Dad not to make me go and I would see the tears in his eyes as he would pull away. It's not that my mom was some terrible monster, she loved me and cared for me the best way that she knew how but it just wasn't the same. She didn't quite "get" me nor did she want to spend quality time with me. I felt isolated and alone and I remember crying and feeling miserable until I could return to my dads again. I didn't realize it until later in life but I was actually depressed; at 8 years old I suffered from depression and tons of anxiety which expressed itself as OCD oftentimes. Okay so there's my sob story, you've heard it and now I'll get to the point the theme is I am terrified, I mean terrified, of being alone. At both my dad's house and now with the ex's family I feel like everyone is there for me, that I can be alone in a room but not be alone. Here at my house, at my desk, I am alone, alone in the world. I pass my mom in the hallway and we talk but for all intents and purposes I am alone. Now that I'm older and have the tools to help myself I know that I will be okay, I know that this feeling of sadness will pass and that I cannot become involved in a relationship solely because of a great emotional environment; that would be a cop-out, and I am putting it in writing right here so that when I feel weak and like he's my only option I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am strong and I won't take the easy road; I've worked through to much to do that now.

(Hopefully Not) More Than a Feeling

I'm sitting here refreshing MSN news page every few minutes, why you ask...because I just have a feeling that something terrible is going to happen. Something shocking and life-changing. I must be losing my mind. I dunno what's wrong with me but I called my mom and she said she's felt the same way all day. So here's to hoping we're wrong (though we usually aren't, individually yes, but when we both feel the same way at the same time its usually for a reason). I've been working on a real post which I'll post later. Until then

The entry in which the parenthesis usage got out of control

Did I really make a promise to write everyday??? Come on it's me, like that will happen. So I will amend what I said to sound something like: whenever I have a lesson to share but still more often than if I were just posting long rambling entries about nothing in particular. Got it??? Good.

On to today's business, I'm debating whether to drive down and see the ex's fam. We've been talking and I miss them all like crazy but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I mean clearly I'll see him if I go unless he gets called to work and to be truthful I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. He's so off the wall, one day he calls begging me to come back to him (and last week I actually got a semi-marriage proposal if you call "My family loves you we have to get married someday" a proposal lol and followed shortly thereafter (after he was rejected of course) by asking me to give him a baby). But the thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any of that, he's dating some hussy from North Carolina so it's all good. And I have no feelings for him anymore so I'm not worried about anything happening. It's just that I am a very sentimental person and I don't know if I can make that same drive, and see those same faces, and do all of those same things knowing that last time I was there and every time before that we were together (that place is synonyous with "us") and even worse that this may be the last time I see all of them (b/c honestly how often have I driven there in the last 4 months). I have to go sooner or later so now seems as good a time as any but I don't know, we'll see. Oh and clearly I will not be staying at his bug-infested apartment (lol) I'll be staying with his aunt that lives nearby and her daughter; my angel-girl that I referenced in this post. So I'll be back with details of either how it went or why I decided not to go and perhaps pictures of my Brazilian babies. Wish me luck!

Oh and I guess my lesson from all of this could be: Don't be so over-run by emotions from the past that you miss out on having fun in the present. Or if things go terribly: Sometimes there's a reason you broke up, now stay away dumb bitch.

If you want to sing out, sing out: a life lesson brought to you by Cat Stevens

I know, I know, I'm an asshole, I didn't post my lesson for yesterday so I will do it now and then I have an awesome, thought provoking piece to write later because basically; that's how I roll. (Insert long pause here while I re-play yesterday in my head and try to scrounge up some life affirming lesson that should have been taken away)......Hmmmm, ummmmm ok, still nothing, oh ok I got one. Don't be afraid to be out of your comfort zone but conversely, don't feel the need to be someone you're not just to seem "well-adjusted". This stems from the fact that due to my only child status I like a lot of alone time. I am the girl sitting across the room eating lunch with a paperback. Though I enjoy this time I am also worried that others think I'm a loser for often being alone and sometimes I'm alone even when I don't want to be which makes me feel like even more of a loser. So basically what I'm trying to say here is just do what you want to do and what makes you happy and screw everyone else but also strive to get out of your comfort zone every once in awhile just for personal growth reasons.

And in the words of Cat Stevens:

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
You see ah ah ah
Its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
cause theres a million things to do
You know that there are


Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are