We both know that I could think myself dizzy, right now I'm spinning around

So usually I try and keep things pretty upbeat on here. I don't get into too many personal stories and such but tonight I'm feeling sad so I'm gonna let it all hang out, please bear with me.
I feel so lonely, I have a boyfriend who I haven't seen in a month and who never has time for me, I have a mother who has been increasingly rude to me, I have a million family members that live in the area who I haven't seen in probably 10 years, what the hell? I feel like everyone just isolates themselves and pretty soon we're all gonna be living alone. And the people I do hang out with regularly seem to always be checking their watch and making up reasons why they have to go (I'll admit I'm guilty of that one too). People don't understand, they really don't, all the hangups only children have. When I say I'm alone I'm alone. As in I genuinely feel alone in this world (though I know I'm not). Everyone seems to have their "someone" and I feel like all my "someones" have taken a leave of absence. It's such a double edged sword, I crave my alone time if I don't get enough but when I have too much I get in a funk. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world; that feeling that no one in the entire world is thinking about me, it's so depressing. I know it's not true but we all have our moments of feeling this way I suppose. I just feel like what the fuck I'm 21 what am I doing sitting at home on a Saturday night blogging? Why am I not out with friends, and furthermore why do I not really want to be sometimes? I just wish I had my rock, the one person that would make me feel un-lonely but not smother me. Now I'm just rambling and this is a big muddled mess so just let me keep feeling sorry for myself for just a few more minutes and then I'll suck it up k?
I had dinner with my cousins (they're sisters) tonight and I was really looking forward to going; we could be really close but we rarely see each other though I don't know why. It actually sucked. Not the dinner itself that part was great and we had a lot of laughs, but just the fact that I got a little taste of having people care and as soon as the food was gone BAM back to just me again.
Fuck everyone for always being on my back and fuck all the false friends that are out there. I have weeded you out and now I'm basically left with my closest family members and a few select friends. I am fucking lonely and sad. I want to be the person who can take life by the horns and have adventures, the one who can go out and talk to anyone and is always making new friends, I want to be optimistic and not so lazy and scared of meaningful relationships. Most of all I want to not be any of those things, I want to be me and still have support.

And yes the title of this post was shamelessly stolen from the song 5:19 by Matt Wertz

All I feel's alone, might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul (yes that title is shamelessly stolen from John Mayer)

I know I said I'd post "later" which apparently means in you know 5-6 days or whenever I get around to it. In my defense the subject matter is kinda heavy so it takes longer to will myself to write it. In other words...brace yourself this is gonna be a long, emotion-laden one.

I did in fact go visit the ex and his family last weekend and that one week break I took after I returned home? That was me assessing the emotional carnage. Who in the hell thought visiting the ex would be a good idea? Like seriously what kind of idiot gets over someone and then decides that they should plunge themselves right back into their life??? You may not be able to guess it from the tone of this entry but the weekend was amazing and loads of fun, thats the problem. I miss them all so very, very much. I was so unhappy before that it was semi-easy to just walk away but now??? Not so much. As I write this I feel depression, not sadness, not regret, but deep down emotional distress and sorrow. So on the car ride home (after the first hour was spent crying uncontrollably) I started to analyze myself (what can I say I'm a psych major, it's what I do). It suddenly dawned on me that this pain was a familiar pain, a hurt so deep that it expresses itself in every aspect of my life. I become some neurotic basketcase who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning for fear of facing my feelings, it's exhausting. Sometimes people think that I'm just lazy (and sometimes I am) but how do I tell them that sometimes it's just because I don't want to face pain, real or perceived. When I'm in this mood everything I see and do reminds me of how un-happy I am. I realized that I feel this way after returning from my visit because those people love me, and I them. Everyone I meet tells the ex how great I am and they actually fight over whose house I should stay at, they speak what little English they know and include me in all that they do. They gossip with me about his new fuck buddy and they tell me not to be sad, that I am their family and she never will be. Above all there is always someone around for me. That's the bottom line, that's where I had my epiphany of sorts. As I mentioned above this pain was not new; I have felt it many times before but I had forgotten how miserable it was. It takes me back to the days of my childhood when I would spend every-other weekend with my dad. We would have the best time, not because he's extravagant and took me everywhere I wanted to go or because he bought me things but because he genuinely understood me and was always there (notice the theme?). The best memories of my life thus far include rainy Saturdays spent inside, just me and my dad, eating chicken noodle soup and talking about everything and nothing at all. When Sunday would roll around I would be devastated, I would begin to cry two hours before I was supposed to be home, sometimes I would get physically ill and beg my Dad not to make me go and I would see the tears in his eyes as he would pull away. It's not that my mom was some terrible monster, she loved me and cared for me the best way that she knew how but it just wasn't the same. She didn't quite "get" me nor did she want to spend quality time with me. I felt isolated and alone and I remember crying and feeling miserable until I could return to my dads again. I didn't realize it until later in life but I was actually depressed; at 8 years old I suffered from depression and tons of anxiety which expressed itself as OCD oftentimes. Okay so there's my sob story, you've heard it and now I'll get to the point the theme is I am terrified, I mean terrified, of being alone. At both my dad's house and now with the ex's family I feel like everyone is there for me, that I can be alone in a room but not be alone. Here at my house, at my desk, I am alone, alone in the world. I pass my mom in the hallway and we talk but for all intents and purposes I am alone. Now that I'm older and have the tools to help myself I know that I will be okay, I know that this feeling of sadness will pass and that I cannot become involved in a relationship solely because of a great emotional environment; that would be a cop-out, and I am putting it in writing right here so that when I feel weak and like he's my only option I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am strong and I won't take the easy road; I've worked through to much to do that now.

If you want to sing out, sing out: a life lesson brought to you by Cat Stevens

I know, I know, I'm an asshole, I didn't post my lesson for yesterday so I will do it now and then I have an awesome, thought provoking piece to write later because basically; that's how I roll. (Insert long pause here while I re-play yesterday in my head and try to scrounge up some life affirming lesson that should have been taken away)......Hmmmm, ummmmm ok, still nothing, oh ok I got one. Don't be afraid to be out of your comfort zone but conversely, don't feel the need to be someone you're not just to seem "well-adjusted". This stems from the fact that due to my only child status I like a lot of alone time. I am the girl sitting across the room eating lunch with a paperback. Though I enjoy this time I am also worried that others think I'm a loser for often being alone and sometimes I'm alone even when I don't want to be which makes me feel like even more of a loser. So basically what I'm trying to say here is just do what you want to do and what makes you happy and screw everyone else but also strive to get out of your comfort zone every once in awhile just for personal growth reasons.

And in the words of Cat Stevens:

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
You see ah ah ah
Its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
cause theres a million things to do
You know that there are


Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

Still coming down off my post-John Mayer high

JOHN MAYER
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love we've been workin on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room,
Burninl room, burnin' room
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow


How talented is he? He plays his own music and he has this way of writing amazing lyrics that speak to exactly how people are feeling. He's a great musician and he's hot but thats all, I'll stop with the "John Mayer this" and the "John Mayer that" now.

Great lyrics

Awesome song to supplement my current state of being on an emotional rollercoaster about relationships

"Leave The Pieces"

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

[Chorus]

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go