When I'm tired of watering my plants I let my cats eat them, does that make me a feline nutritional specialist?

Just checking in to write about something a guest lecturer in one of my classes said that I found hilarious. He was talking about the origin of the human species and blah blah blah, lots of boring talky talky, and then he said "Some mammals do the respectable thing and lay down and die when they're finished reproducing and raising their young but what do we do??? We go out to the garage and make bird-houses and shit" That was absolutely hilarious to me and loud cackling commenced. Maybe you had to be there but trust me it was funny. Also, I am composing some other posts in my mind but I think I'm coming down with a cold or something and I'm too lazy to write anything else so with that I will finish this writing business and go wallow in bed and watch tonight's intriguing, Halloween themed, episode of The Singing Bee.

edited to add: holy crap there was a woman on the aforementioned episode of The Singing Bee that is actually employed as a "canine chef" Hell, even I could do that; dogs eat their own crap for goodness sake how good of a cook do you really need to be? (no offense to all the canine chefs out there)

Just call me coffee messer upper

So as I've mentioned before I am gainfully employed as a student assistant in our library on campus (in the Dean's Office nonetheless, you should be in awe). I sit at a receptionists desk while the assistants and others in the office go out to lunch and just basically do light clerical duties and answer the phone if not when it rings. Anyways it's great because I have plenty of time to catch up on "studying" and by studying I really mean surfing the internet, blogging, checking myspace, clipping my nails etc. Everyone in the office is awesome and I get to be by myself with no other pesky students (Loooove it).

So now you're probably wondering where the hell you can sign up for a job such as this; sorry you can't because its MINE!!!! Anyways it's a great job but there is one thing that grates on my nerves at times. (Come on you knew there had to be one, no job is perfect) One of the upper staff members in our office who is very nice and loud and rambunctious like myself can be quite a bitch and disguise it (or sometimes not even try to disguise it) as a joke. For example I am the one she always asks to make coffee which is fine, cute even. We get to have daily interactions like "Hey Nicole you know what would make my meeting more bearable this afternoon??? Get brewin!" Oh you know, the low woman on the totem pole always makes the coffee cliche, great, got it. A couple weeks ago she walks in the office with a colleague and loudly announces "NICOLE I GOT YOU A PRESENT ITS IN THE COFFEE CAN, IT'S A NEW SCOOP" then she turns to the colleague and explains that I'm the one who makes the coffee (as if they couldn't have guessed). The colleague just chuckled and rolled her eyes.

Anyways fast forward to today she bellows in front of my coworker (whom I will call "coworker" for purposes of this blog) and I "NICOLE CAN YOU MAKE SOME FRESH COFFEE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT *COWORKER* SAYS USE FOUR ROUNDED SCOOPS" and then as if coworker had but up a fight she added "I'M THE ONE REQUESTING THE COFFEE SO I GET IT MY WAY!" Umm okay, right boss. So I make the stupid and insanely strong coffee and I think it's done but nooooo. I have been working here in excess of two years now and never once have I messed up the coffee but today I forgot to turn the burner on so that the coffee would stay warm after it was brewed. How did I realize I made such a mistake???? Simple I hear the bellower bellowing to a colleague "NICOLE MADE THE COFFEE BUT THE DO-DO DIDN'T TURN THE BURNER ON" and then again two minutes later to someone else who asked her if there was fresh coffee "YES BUT IT'S NOT VERY HOT" Dude I get it, I made a small mistake how about we stop being so passive aggressive and if you must mention it, mention it directly to me and then shut the fuck up and put your cup of coffee in the microwave (right next to the coffee pot) for 10 seconds, I mean it had just finished brewing how cold could it have gotten in the couple minutes it had been sitting there?

Again, I love my job but cripe is all that bellowing really necessary??? I think not.

Finally no more dirt in the washing machine

Hoooray the water troubles are over at chez-moi!!! Today we got a fancy new water line installed and it only cost us a million dollars (ok not really) and our entire front yard! The best part of the day was hearing my mom flush and then scream because she got scared by the noise of the air that was still in the line. Happy times, happy times.

p.s. yes the title is true there was such a leak in our water line that we have had actual chunks of dirt clogging up our washing machine forever and the city just now deemed it necessary to fix it, oh how i love them.

Oh hell that p.s. just reminded me of a topic I thought up earlier so I may as well go for it now.
It is called "Things in my house that look disgusting but really aren't":

1) I have a cat who insists upon only drinking water out of my bathroom faucet and if we don't let her she would go on water strike until she died because she is just that stubborn so this means she often sits, sleeps, drinks, and lounges in my bathroom sink (just mine, no one elses mind you) so at any given time there are about three different colors of hair on my beautiful white counter top. This drives me crazy and I wipe it off every time she gets up but I live in fear that someone will walk in there before I've had a chance to clean it and be utterly appalled.

2) The aforementioned chunks of dirt in my washing machine. While quite inconvenient never actually interfered with the cleanliness of my clothes.

3) The stain in the middle of the living room carpet that I try to hide with every piece of furniture we own; I swear it's nothing gross it was just some damn mud that the dog tracked in that absolutely will not come up.

4) The one bowl that is undoubtedly left on my dresser from my midnight snack the night before. Dude I only leave it there till morning (and on rare occasions one or two days) so just chill. On second thought maybe that one actually is a little disgusting.

5)My dog's tattered and hole covered "baby" (which is actually a stuffed cat that an ex gave to me from build-a-bear. Nothing says I don't love you anymore better than letting your massive dog rip the heart out of something an ex made for you but I digress) that has been dragged through and put in places that I don't even want to think about. Hmmmm maybe that one actually is gross too. But we do wash it regularly!

6) The area around my makeup mirror: it looks a hot mess but its really just a bunch of excess makeup that is coated on pretty much everything in that general vicinity (at least I keep it confined)

Wow I can't think of anymore right now but I'm sure I will. Writing this has made me feel like a filthy slob so to make me feel better what are some disgusting things (actually disgusting or could be perceived as disgusting) in your house?

Are your nickles beautiful?

Ok I'm gonna say how much school sucks for just a couple seconds and then I'll stop being all "woe is me" about my life. Dude, the fourth year of college, it is hard. There is much studying and learning of obscure facts that don't have much to do with my future career at all. And here I sit at work with nothing to do and instead of catching up on some of said studying here I am writing a blog entry hahaha That's me redefining procrastination on a daily basis! That should be the slogan for my life.
Anyways everything else is good, the doggies are adorable as usual and there's not much else to report. Oh wait I do have one funny tidbit to report I was talking to the bf the other day and he wasn't wearing a shirt and I looked down and said "Wow I never noticed it before but your nipples are really small" he thought about it for a minute and said "Do you think my nickles (nipples) are beautiful?" LOL

Le Francais est tres difficile

I have a hilarious video from this weekend that will be forthcoming but right now my phone is being an idiot so I can't send it to my computer.
Anyways on to today's story. I am a psychology major as you may or may not know and because it is a bachelor of arts degree I am required to take 4 semesters of a foreign language; I chose French because I had taken it in high school. The first two semesters were a dream, I had a hilarious instructor who was actually from France and really knew how to help us grasp the language. Fast forward to this semester, my instructor is an absolute nightmare, she is rude and condescending and if she asks you a question and you answer the best you can (in french of course) but don't have anything else to say she just keeps waving her hand at you while rolling her eyes. She explains absolutely nothing in English including the grammar aspects such as tenses (there are a million of them) and definitions of vocabulary words. I am so stressed about that class that I have actually cried. So today we had to do a "causerie" where we were randomly paired with a classmate and randomly assigned one of three topics. While we were speaking the rest of the class was out in the hall. It was great being able to sit out there and worry and chat with all the other people who knew just as little as me (or so I thought). We had a lot of fun and made a lot of jokes but then I actually had to go in and participate and it was a nightmare. Sometimes I exaggerate and think that I did worse than I actually did but not today. By the time we were finished all my instructor could say (in front of my classmate) was: "you have very limited speaking skills" to which I replied "I know, it's very difficult for me to speak it because in previous semesters I wasn't required to do so to this degree but I assure you that I can understand it and write it decently" and once again she simply rolled her eyes. WHAT A BITCH. I mean seriously at least I'm trying (unlike half the people who simply skipped class), it's not my major and I will most likely never use it after I am finished with school. Don't get me wrong I enjoy studying it and I believe it is a great asset to learn many languages but when someone acts the way she does it just makes me self-conscious and makes me want to shut down and stop trying. I cannot wait until this semester is over, next semester I will most definitely take the class from a different instructor. Oh woe is me and my terrible life of academia lol

Sal-mon? Really?

Why are there people in this world who insist upon pronouncing the "l" in salmon? Let me just say that if you do this STOP because you look like a damn fool and people are laughing at you behind your back (yes I'm talking about you guy i heard in sears talking about a George Foreman grill that would be "just divine for cooking 'sal-mon'".

Water Guy, Revisited

Okay in this post I was relatively nice to you but now it's just getting old. So all I have to say is FUCK YOU Mr. Water Guy, doing water related repairs and then yelling on a bullhorn about things that have absolutely nothing to do with said repairs. I realize that it is 10 o'clock in the morning and you think the whole world should be awake but I, I am a college student therefore I am not! And let me just ask one more question does it really take you months to repair a leak in the pipe or are you just doing it out of spite???? I'm going with the latter until you prove to me otherwise (chocolates and ice cream and free soundproofing of my room would be a very good step in that direction).

Yea I'm just a little bit lame

Oh my gosh I got 3 comments yesterday you have noooo idea how excited that makes me (I may have even teared up a little bit or jumped up and down on my bed with joy)even if you haven't technically been reading and only commented b/c i commented on your blog IDONTEVENCAREBECAUSEIHAVETHREEWHOLEMOTHERFUCKINGCOMMENTS. So thank you for your comments and please by all means continue reading and commenting!

Oh yeah and as an aside the most stupid thing I have heard lately was a young man on Judge Judy swearing up and down that he didn't steal his former friends backpack but when the former-friend described the contents the defendant apparently disagreed and shouted out "NO there was no i-pod in there!" Suffice it to say the plaintiff won and Judge Judy ripped the defendant a new one.

Lurkers, today's your day to de-lurk!!

As I'm sure you all know today, as noted above, is The Great Mofo Delurk 2007. This means that if you read this please for the love of all that is good and right in the world leave a mother fucking comment. Hmmm I doubt that anyone actually reads this because lets face it due to the fact that I rarely (read never) comment anywhere no one probably knows its here. And on the off chance people do know it's here they are probably sick of my feeble attempts at wittiness. Even if that is the case comment and tell me and I promise to do likewise. Thanks

p.s. if you don't want to just randomly comment about how un-funny I am or how cute my dogs are etc. let me give you a topic for discussion as all the cool kids seem to be doing: Stupid things you have heard other people say that are so amazingly dumb they make you want to rip off your own face. NOW COMMENT

Hilarious things my boyfriend has said to me lately

Now keep in mind that he is from Brazil and his mastery of the English language is a bit shaky at best.

Him(trying to make me mad): "I have a son in Brazil."
Me "What's his name?"
loooong pause
Him: "Uhhh her name is Jefferson?...i messed that up didn't I?"

Me: "Why did you sleep with that girl in Texas?"
Him: "Because she scraped (trying to say raped) me"

Him (about me): "yeah so I told the lady at the condo that you speak very well english"

"if they don't fix this problem for me will you help me punch them because i think you're gonna punch super good because you yell at me all the time"

"whats this word 'sunshine' does it mean something sweet?"

"bugs don't bite me because my blood is super good, i eat garlic and when they come to bite me they run away. You just need to eat brazilian food and stop having bad blood"

"i like you because you're not super fat, just a little bit"

"baby im surprised! you look hot!"

"i said i did because you said i did but i no did" (riiiiiiight)