Another heartfelt letter

This morning at 8:00 a.m. one of my dear friends from work was sworn in as an American citizen!!! She was so excited, walking around yesterday talking about how this is that last time we'll see her as a Brazilian because on Monday she'll officially be an American. So Congrats J!!!!!!

Now on to the regularly scheduled post.

Dear server at Bob Evans,

I know this letter is late and that it was a whole 15 days ago already that I had the pleasure of making your acquaintance but you were so thoroughly air-headed that I still feel all of this must be said.

Firstly my dear, on a 90 degree day you do not come take a drink order and then NOT BRING THE DRINKS. The only reason we got them half-way through the meal is because we flagged you down a THIRD TIME and asked for them A THIRD TIME, meanwhile following your movement to the drink machine with the evil eye to ensure follow through.

Next, when I order the turkey dinner with mashed potatoes usually the server would just put the same gravy that is on the meat on the potatoes but not you, oh no no no no. You asked me what kind of gravy I wanted on the potatoes and when I said "the same kind that's on the meat, which is turkey right?" You said, umm yeah but we don't have turkey gravy for potatoes you hafta pick either beef, chicken, or (get this) SAUSAGE GRAVY; as in the thick creamy kind you put over biscuits. I have a few problems with this. Number 1 if you have turkey gravy for the turkey how do you not have it for the potatoes?? Number 2 why would I want beef and turkey gravy or even turkey and chicken gravy together on the same plate? And number 3, and this is the biggy, why the hell would I want creamy sausage gravy on my potatoes???? However, dear internets, I did not mention any of that as we were a bit rushed and instead just said "umm okay I'll take the chicken gravy?".

And lastly, when you finally do bring us the appropriately gravied (is that even a word?) food and the beverages do not disappear not to be seen again with our bill for ten million years.

Thanks,

Nicole

Dear attendees of last Thursdays John Mayer concert,

As my cousin so adequately stated you are "real class acts", especially you barefoot woman in line to buy alcohol when you're already holding another glass of it in your hand and talking about how you always get messed up at concerts and then when the lady goes to hand you your huge beer that you asked 10 million questions about and held us all up for 20 minutes you suddenly decide you don't want it anymore and you simply WALK AWAY. You stumbled off into the sunset, bare feet stomping through puddles of sludge containing God only knows what. You are an ass, put on shoes and get a life.

Middle-aged lady two rows in front of me who is dragging her 10 year old son down with her, you are a fanatic. Newsflash people don't bring binoculars to these kinds of concerts and also, no one actually cries when John Mayer takes the stage. He's not Elvis or Frank Sinatra, he's just a chill guy singing some songs, yes his music is great and he is cute but for the love of all that is good stop crying and bobbing around in that weird way, I missed an entire song cause I was staring at you and laughing (and perhaps even taking a video clip to laugh at later).

Middle-aged couple directly in front of us, all I can say to you is PLEASE STOP GRINDING ON EACH OTHER, not only is this music not conducive to grinding but also it is thoroughly grossing me out.

Guy sitting next to me, when John Mayer comes out to do an encore please don't lean to my cousin and I and explain that you have to leave because you have to pick up your six year old. I don't care why you are leaving or even that you are leaving for that matter, just walk out and leave me alone. P.S. That's why I don't have kids right now; so I don't have to leave stuff to pick them up and feel obligated to explain myself to everyone within a five mile radius.

And finally oooold couple who stopped your car in the middle of the parking lot during the traffic jam to make out and pleasure one another EWWWWWW I think I got herpes just watching you, kindly get a room.

I would appreciate it greatly if all of you would heed my words and preferably never ever go out in public again kthxbai!

Coming soon-a letter to our airhead of a waitress at Bob Evans before the concert.

Things you never want to hear in a hospital

My beloved mom has been in the hospital since Monday evening and just got home a few hours ago (not to worry it was a slight intestinal issue and she's fine) and though I only visited her for about an hour yesterday following are a few of the gems that I heard/ heard about while I was there.

My moms new roommate (her third) as she is being wheeled in:
"You know I was feeling really good...until I threw up."

Nurse: "Okay we had to put this lady in your room because her roommate last night didn't sleep at all because she has this thing where she counts to five, out-loud, alll night and day. I'm really sorry."

My moms second roommate to the nurse: "YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD MONITORS ON AND I TOOK THEM OFF JUST TO SEE IF YOU WOULD NOTICE AND YOU DIDN'T, I COULD HAVE BEEN LYING IN HERE DEAD FOR HOURS!" (apparently she has a habit of doing this)

Second roommate again: "I passed out at 11:30 and no one helped me until 2:00" (excuse me lady but if you pass out you don't know what time it was and how long you were lying there and further more my mom witnessed this "fainting" and it was very unbelievable to say the least. Normally when you pass out you just kind of crumple over this woman screamed and then FLUNG herself back onto the bed...and then kept peeking to see if anyone was coming to "help" her LOL

young + drunk = stupidity and destruction

You know how when you're young there's this innate tendency to get drunk and do stupid (and quite possibly destructive) shit??? Well that's the story of my weekend, you'll laugh, you'll cry, this story will become a part of you. I like to call it "making an ass out of yourself in front of many people including the security guard in the mall parking lot at 3 a.m." and it goes a little something like this:

Friday morning I texted my friend on the way to class and only half jokingly said "I wanna get drunk and be someone" fast forward to that evening when she asks if I really do want to go get drunk and since I have nothing better to do then sit at home folding socks I reply with a "hell yes!" So shes at a dinner party for work but she says she'll call when she's finished so that we can hit the bar. I wait, and wait, and wait for the call to go pick her up and it doesn't come so with 15 minutes left before our favorite Mexican restaurant closes I sprint in and ask for a big daddy gold margarita on the rocks...to go (it's a mexican restaurant they do shit like that because they're crazy lol) I pick up my b.f. and he starts driving so that I can enjoy my huuuuge margarita which is in a styrofoam cup so I'm chugging away and I get the call from my friend. My b.f. drives to the place and I text her and tell her we're there. She doesnt come out for awhile and when she does she tells me she won a four piece luggage set in the raffle and needs help getting it to the car because she is already tres shitfaced. We go inside and forget all about the luggage and my boyfriend who is patiently waiting in the car and we start to bust a move on the dance floor (mind you I have no idea who these people are and I am waaaay underdressed) so finally the last song is played and after a brief talk with the old ass dj named "Larry" and me lecturing him about how he has a wife and needs to stop being so flirtatious we finally leave. Oh yeah somewhere in there I ran out to the car real quick and asked the b.f. to run next door and buy the strongest liquor he could find cause I needed to be DRUNK! So we get in the car and head to the bar across the street, before we go in I drink a little black cherry vodka out of the bottle and head in (still only slightly tipsy). At this point the last thing I remember is ordering some drinks and telling the bartender that he had "such nice, nice, teeth" LOL So we drink and talk and drink and talk. The b.f. leaves and the b.f. comes back and finally it's time to go home, this is where things get interesting. I remember being super hungry and begging to go to taco bell while cuddled up with my friend in the backseat and next thing you know we're there. I am screeeeeeaming our order to my boyfriend while we're still waiting in the drive through line "WE NEEEEEED FIVE CRUNCHY TACOS, FIVE CHALUPAS, AND OHHH OHHH WE NEEEEEEEED CINNAMON TWISTS" then my friend pipes up with "and a bean burrito" My b.f. said "NO CINNAMON TWISTS YOU GUYS ARE PISSING ME OFF" as if it were some kind of punishment lol Next thing I know we're smearing taco drippings all over each others chests and shirts and only getting about half of the five chalupas and five crunchy tacos in our mouths lol. Then for the rest of the ride I go blank again and the next thing I remember is my boyfriend pulling into the mall parking lot by Sears (about 5 minutes from his house) and saying something about how we need to sit here and calm down because we can't be yelling and acting like this when we get to his apartment because people are trying to sleep. So we keep acting like fools so he locks the doors takes the keys and walks away. In all actuality he probably just walked a few feet away and was still watching us but to us we were stranded in the middle of a frozen tundra and our survival depended on us trekking across the many parking lots, down the street and to my bf's apartment. So we actually make up a checklist before we get out of the car "phone? check. water? check. Shoes? Shit I gotta put em on etc. etc. Then we lock the doors, knowing that we can't get back in b/c we don't have the keys. It was a symbolic gesture that sealed our committment to walk to his apartment because "we don't need a damn guy, we're scavengers" (what can I say it sounded right at the time) We make it about 10 feet and my friend says she can't take walking in heals so she balances her foot on the bumper of a parked semi and I bend to unbuckle them and she gets them off after about five minutes. We then walk another 10 or so feet when we see the most glorious thing ever...a shopping cart!!!! I sprint to it and bring it back to my friend exclaiming that "This will save us!!! We can put all of our goods into this cart and if we get tired we can push one another!" It just so happens that she is already tired so I tell her to jump in. At this point my bf reappears and tries to get us to go back to the car but we link arms and start mumbling to one another about "just ignoring that traitor, he left two girls alone in a dark, shady parking lot at night, we don't need him" Unfortunately she can't climb up and get in the cart so I demonstrate for her by just climbing over the edge and sitting down inside and tell her to do the same (mind you she is in a very nice dinner dress) so she decides that she needs a boost and climbs on the cement block that is on the bottom of a light post and somehow (though I'm not entirely sure how) gets in but tells me to be very very careful and not tip her over. I told her I loved her and that I would never let that happen and during all this security has driven past about two or three times. I tell her to "act normal because we cannot get arrested tonight. So keeping with the theme of acting normal I decide that it would be a great idea to start fucking SPRINTING. Guess what happened, go ahead just guess????? No we did not get arrested. Yes the cart did tip over sending her flying onto her back and me rolling to the ground where the cart landed on top of me. She's crying halfheartedly and I throw the cart off of me and stand up real quick and dust myself off like nothing happened. At this point I the bf asks if we're okay and my friend yells "THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT US HERE NOW GO GET THE G*%DAMNED CAR!" As he's walking to the car I see security going in that direction but I'm tending to my friend so I pay no attention because honestly they just witnessed that whole thing and if they're not going to even confront us then they can go get whoever the hell else they want (even if it is my boyfriend) but alas a couple minutes later and he's there with the car. Getting to our respective places is a blur and the last thing I remember is trying to drink a sip of water and spilling it all over my face and the bf's bed. The next morning I awake with a chuckle and curiously ask the bf what happened with the security guard. Apparently he approached my bf and asked "Are they with you?" to which he replied "Unfortunately they are" and the security guy just laughed and drove off. I called my friend and we laughed about that until we almost cried. Then I spent the rest of the day answering calls from the people I drunk dialed asking how I was feeling lol Oh man what a trainwreck we were, normally when I drink i don't drink enough to get that out of control but it was just one of those nights where I knew I needed it and I knew I had someone to semi-take care of me. Unfortunately, however, when my friend fell in the parkinglot she must have gotten tar on her coat and suffice it to say my backseat is pretty much ruined. Anyone have any good remedies for getting tar and taco droppings out of upholstery? Ahh well whats one destroyed backseat for a night of drunken hilarity, the memories of which will make you laugh everytime you see an abandoned cart in a mall parking lot?

The UV rays probably fried her brain but it's okay because she wears lotion on her face

Just taking a break from homework to say that I tried a water aerobics class tonight and it kicked my ass! It feels all fine and easy when you're in the water but when you get out damn! It feels like gravity is gonna suck you right into the earth's core. Anyways while I was changing in the locker room I heard one of the stupidest comments ever.

Girl 1: I had bubbles around my eyes after I went tanning the other day.
Girl 2: Oh, that can be a sign of skin cancer.
Girl 1: I know that's why I always wear lotion or something on my face and I don't wash my face before I go tanning.

Okay is it just me or is that stupid as hell. Yes you put lotion on your face in the morning (most lotions only have like an SPF of 15) which is probably worn off by the time you tan and even if your face is protected (which it obviously wasn't)what about the rest of your body???????? Am I missing something here?

Get those degrees people!

Once again not much time to post so I'll make a list of annoying and incorrect things that people say and call it a post:

1) It mystifies me that there are college students that still call the library the "libary" (pronounced "lie-berry")

2) College students using math terms such as plus instead of add, minus instead of subtract and my personal favorite "times it by" instead of multiply by. As in "To solve the equation you plus two, minus three, and times the answer by six"

3) Honors students calling an angioplasty and "angioplasm"

I could go on but I'm drawing a blank and there are so many blogs to catch up on reading thanks to NaBloPoMo!

Blush-fest

So I'm taking a little help from the prompts at the NaBloPoMo site and the topic I have chosen to write about today is my most embarrassing moment (which occurred when I was roughly 13 years old).
While there are many moments in my life that have been "embarrassing" there is one that absolutely takes the cake. I'll be honest, before this happened to me I always wondered how the heck anyone could be stupid enough to do this and figured that they were just making it up but alas when you're extremely tired and not paying much attention it is entirely possible to not only get in the wrong vehicle but to sit down in said vehicle with an entire family which isn't yours and begin calmly eating your ice cream before looking up and realizing that everyone is staring at you and that they are not, in fact, anyone you have ever seen before in your life. Next thing you know I panic, run out of the van leaving the door hanging wide open and letting their dog practically escape, and duck into my actual van with my actual family and my actual dog where I proceed to freak out and my family proceeds to laugh so hard they pee themselves because they watched the whole thing and didn't stop me because they wanted a good laugh.
Seriously, what are the chances of having the same exact van in the same parking lot with the same number of people and a dog inside, parked directly across from each other? It could have happened to anyone, just be glad it wasn't you lol.
Oh yeah and did I mention I was in my bathing suit when all of this transpired and that the people waved and honked at me when they left (hangs head and weeps)

Yea I'm just a little bit lame

Oh my gosh I got 3 comments yesterday you have noooo idea how excited that makes me (I may have even teared up a little bit or jumped up and down on my bed with joy)even if you haven't technically been reading and only commented b/c i commented on your blog IDONTEVENCAREBECAUSEIHAVETHREEWHOLEMOTHERFUCKINGCOMMENTS. So thank you for your comments and please by all means continue reading and commenting!

Oh yeah and as an aside the most stupid thing I have heard lately was a young man on Judge Judy swearing up and down that he didn't steal his former friends backpack but when the former-friend described the contents the defendant apparently disagreed and shouted out "NO there was no i-pod in there!" Suffice it to say the plaintiff won and Judge Judy ripped the defendant a new one.