I have no words for this one

Dude I'm trying really hard not to break down crying at my desk while I write this. Let me begin by saying I SUCK AT LIFE. That pretty much sums up everything that follows so save yourself and just stop reading there. I referenced the breakup of me and my now ex a few days ago here. It is so hard for me to write about this shit on here because I just babble incoherently until I get so sick of myself that I just end the post and go slap myself (okay so not really but you get the point.) Well anyways we have been keeping in touch and despite what he thinks I truly do care about him and miss him. One night he called when I was out for drinks with another guy and I made the mistake of answering and it was all over, he was mega pissed and also waaay upset. He was so hurt and I felt so guilty b/c we had just ended it and I was already out with someone else. I didn't want him to feel like I ditched him for the next best thing because that was not the case. I wish things could work out between us but the hardest thing is loving someone so much that you can admit that it can't work and then let that person go so that they can be truly happy. Right? That's what I thought except apparently he thought we were truly happy. He didn't believe all those phone calls telling him that I felt we were growing apart and I sensed him pulling away. He didn't believe me when I told him I was starting to dream about other guys and it scared me. He didn't listen when I tried to tell him about my day. But apparently all that went unnoticed because I found out last night that he had bought an engagement ring for me three months ago and was going to surprise me on Christmas. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Whaaaaaat?????? Absolutely did not see that coming. And I also didn't realize I would want it so much while at the same time knowing I can't have it. I feel like such a bitch for just saying "this isn't working" and being out with another guy a few nights later when he was apparently thinking things were waaaaaay more serious. He is such a great guy, I cannot say that enough, but we just don't work as a couple. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how much I hurt him and I feel like the biggest scumbag on this planet. Not to mention that I could have been fucking engaged on Christmas!!! WTF???? Perhaps you don't understand the magnitude of this let me lay it out for you :this guy could never fully get his shit together and come to find out he got his shit together and I lost my shit. And with that I can officially say I suck at life and at metaphors.

Schooooools out for Christmas

Finished my last final yesterday whooo hooo!!! Now I have one month and two days off, thank goodness. Although in retrospect this semester wasn't nearly as tough as some of my past ones. Thats all for now, I'm too busy celebrating to say anything insightful!

No more free handouts

One of my mom's all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" from Eleanor Roosevelt. I was just talking with a friend and thinking about it and that is so very very true. No one has the power to make you feel bad unless you give it to them. At what point did handing over that power become virtually unconscious and how can I take it back? Then I thought even deeper about how the majority of the world's problems are due to us projecting our insecurities onto others either intentionally or unintentionally. I'll give an example from my life that I have tried to side-step and deny but I know its true and hopefully by acknowledging it I will be able to work at correcting it. The theme of my life, if you will, is being lonely. I am terrified of it and will do almost anything to make sure that it does not happen. Sometimes that involves being a major jackass and latching onto someone only until I find someone better. Please don't judge me I know its wrong and makes me sound like a cold hearted bitch but I'm being honest and doing soul searching here okay? So I will no longer be handing out to people the power to make me feel bad and furthermore I will look deep inside myself and overcome my insecurities so that even if the whole world can't be a better place at least my little corner of it can be.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with

Following is a copy of the message I sent to the now ex boyfriend. Don't really want to talk about it right now except to say that we were broken up before (again too lazy to link) but this time it is more definite, more final. I feel like shit but I didn't do it to hurt him. It sucks to love someone and know that you have to let them go because they're just not right for you.


Hey, I just wanted to say hi and that I know you don't believe me and I know you don't want to talk to me but I truly do care about you. You are a great person, just not the right one for me. You will make some girl very very happy and though I will always feel just a little bit jealous I will be happy for you. I don't want you to hate me but I understand why you're pushing me away, it was never my intention to hurt you, I was lonely and I couldn't wait forever. It's not that I don't understand your life, because I do, it's just that it's not the life I want for myself. I will never ever forget you even though you say you'll forget me I know that's not true. What we had was so special and I still miss it everyday but what were my choices?? Wait for months or years until you were ready to pay attention to me?? I can't do that anymore, life's too short to wait around. If you don't have time for me now then you don't deserve my time later. I know you're just being mean to me out of anger but I really hope that someday soon we can be close friends because I miss you. I miss your smile and your accent and the way you make me laugh, I miss the nighttime "flashlight shows" you did on the ceiling, I miss the comfort of laying in your bed and staring at the ceiling, I miss our stupid little arguments and I miss feeling proud of you when you learn something new. Please don't throw everything away, I still want to be close to you as a friend. If that can't happen right now I understand but hopefully it can happen someday.
I did not mean to hurt you and I am sooo sooo sorry that it came to that but always remember me and all the fun that we had.
All my love,
Nicole

Why I am still recovering from "the day of rest" aka Sunday

That would be a pool table covered with paper with a sample of our homemade cookies on top




More cookies




Each year my family gets together and we bake and decorate homemade sugar cookies. This year we baked about 50 dozen. Picture all of the cookies above plus about three other tables in the other room. Its a lot of work but also a lot of fun and each family gets to take home about 4 dozen. So that is why I'm being lazy as hell (or it could just be an excuse, guess you'll never know).

Oh yeah and remember when I mentioned the calendar we were making of Roxie (I'm too lazy to link to that entry right now) for my grandpa? We sent the pictures off today so we should have it before Christmas yea! Glad that headache is over with, it took us almost 2 hours at CVS getting everything sorted out.

I promise to get back to writing more substantial and meaningful posts soon but for right now can I interest you in my favorite distraction: adorable dog photos (taken with the camera I stood in line for for 2 freezing hours which I heart very very much)!!!!

p.s. please excuse Maggies lady parts in the last photo, we're working on teaching her modesty lol

What the hell are they smoking when they make the fortunes for the fortune cookies?

My friend C's fortune cookie fortune:

"You'll meet your big cheese today"