In case anyone was wondering...

From a message I posted to those who feel the need to question me about my long distance (only for another month :)! ) relationship with J.

I know so many of you don't understand and wonder why I don't just "move on" and "get over it" but to you I say I am happier, even when I'm missing him, then I have ever been before in my life. He is an amazing person so please don't judge me and just trust that I am well aware of what I am doing and feel free to live your life the way you see fit and I will do the same. I don't need anymore people trying to talk me out of loving someone, when did that ever work? Love is messy and tragic and wonderful and euphoric all at once and I wish for everyone to feel the kind of love that I feel when I see him smile.

Growth

All of this waiting and worrying and still having to move on with my daily life is teaching me a lesson. I can see myself growing as a person and learning to rely a lot more on God and trust that his will is being done. I'm not usually one to wax all religious on here but I am feeling growth as a person and for me God is part of that so...just sayin. Anyways I finally got an e-mail from J yesterday and gosh did it hit home how much I truly miss him but also how much I didn't really expect to hear from him and was beginning the very initial stages of moving on. But at the same time it felt right, like I knew I would hear from him all along. I don't know what the heck I'm saying, I'm so confused but basically God is working on me and even though it's been hard it doesn't feel devastating like it did before, it just feels like an obstacle I must overcome to obtain true contentment and happiness. Growth people, its all about growth.

I suck at coming up with titles for this stuff

On Monday morning I woke up with tonsils the size of Texas and could hardly swallow. This has continued all week which caused me to actually schedule an appointment with the Dr. (which I never do) but it was more because I need my anti-anxiety/depression pills refilled than the whole pesky can't hardly swallow thing (see I know what's important!). So, hey, lucky me, I have strep throat. I can only hope I passed it on to that absolute dill-weed I went on a date with a couple weeks ago because that would be the bright spot of my week.

So what is so depressing? In my effort to share more, the main thing referred to here was the fact that I was dating an utterly wonderful guy (J), things were going brilliantly. It was unlike any relationship I had shared with someone before, nothing was forced or awkward, there was no tension we just "were". It was relaxed and refreshing and peaceful and wonderful all at once. When I was with him I felt complete and like I was at home (and trust me there is nothing I love more than my home so that is saying A LOT). Everything was great for months and months and then I had to go and jinx myself and write the post (which I have sinced removed) about life's unexpected moments and the next day POOF! everything sucks. He had to go home (he is from India originally) for 6 months to be with his family. We have been trying to contact one another but we keep missing. I swear everytime I listen to his voicemail it rips my heart out because half of me loves him and misses him and the other half of me wants to punch him in the gut. Anyways that's the long end short of it so I am half waiting to see what happens with him and half dating but the more dates I go on the more I miss him so we'll see...

Edited to add: You know what on second though I will repost the post about lifes little moments because I don't want to forget or ignore the wonderful moments in life. So please read it, it's a good one, its from sometime at the end of May/beginning of June or hey, I'll stop being lazy and link to it.

Life's unexpected moments

Sunday evening with J was one of those "moments", the kind that you instinctively know as soon as it's happening that you will be able to look back on it in 60 years and still feel that same pang of joy that you did at the time. These moments always happen when they're least expected and usually when doing something "ordinary". You're just going about your life living an ordinary existence and BAM these tiny extraordinary little moments pop up out of nowhere. I think of these moments as actually living and the rest of time is just (ha, just!) life.

It was a spontaneous dance party on a blue shaggy carpeted bedroom floor and I'll never forget it as long as I live. I am compelled to document it so that when someone asks me when I had that "moment" the one where I knew he was different and special, and that I loved him, I can say definitively: That Sunday afternoon when I was wearing the black sundress and we were making up dance moves like the Ali Baba and dancing until we had to stop because we were laughing (and sweating) so hard. And then we looked into each others eyes and we noticed that both of us had little tears in the corners because we had both felt it, that moment of pure unadulterated joy with one another. And for two people to have a "moment" at exactly the same time, that deserves to be written about because it only happens every once in a great while.

Do not read if a great deal of profanity and name calling offends you

Okay so I only have about 15 minutes left at work so this may be jumbled and rushed but I MUST rant.

Dear my best-friends ex-boyfriend/whatever the hell you were since you acted like you were with her but refused to even call her your girlfriend cause you're too fucking immature and a loser who will never amount to anything in life,

You are a motherfucking scumbag of a human being. You do not lead someone on for nearly 3 YEARS all the while dating around behind her back and waiting for someone else to come along. You are so mentally and psychologically immature that you are incapable of forming a relationship that even remotely constitutes normal human interactions. I met you once and you were a complete and total douche bag, dragging her to your room and leaving me alone in the fucking living room like you had something to prove. You and I both know you are an asshole but she didn't and I was hoping against hope that I was wrong, but I'm an extremely accurate judge of character most of the time and this time was no exception. You knew how she felt about you, she told you all the time, but instead of being a real man and admitting that you didn't have the same feelings you used her and then discarded her like trash. YOU ARE AN IMMATURE PATHETIC DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING. I have listened to her cry, heard her analyze every syllable of every word you uttered, and received ecstatic voice mails because you sent a text that said something as basic as miss u. You lit up her life, and while I'm glad she didn't end up staying with you I am pissed that you proved me right. Grow the fuck up dick-wad.

Patience is a virtue, or so they say

I have a buttload of free time at work today so instead of doing my homework or something else that might save me time later I've been sitting here for the past three and a half hours surfing the great internet and thinking. Baaaaaaad idea. BIG.FAT.BAD.IDEA

You see, I'm the kind of person who cannot have too much down time or I start to think too much and then the crayzeeness-it comes. I have ended yet another pointless, going nowhere relationship and truthfully, I'm okay with that, that's not what I'm all whiney and contemplative about. What I am "all whiney and contemplative" about however is why there is soooo much freakin emphasis put on relationships. I mean for crying out loud I am still young, just barely 22 and I feel like an old maid because all of my peers are getting married, buying houses, and having children. I can barely take care of my car and it's demands let alone sustain an intimate relationship with someone else, pay a mortgage, and take responsibility for a whole nother life. And while I know that I am making the right choice for myself by waiting for these things and focusing on school and a future career it does not change the fact that my greatest dream in life is to be a mother and a wife (eww I just gagged on that one a bit because I hate it when people say shit like that). I just want that one special person that I can settle down and share everything and build a life with but guess what???? I'm not ready for that yet and I feel like a fool even whining about it because I know I'm not ready yet.

So what, you may ask, is the problem??? Well it all boils down to this, while I know I personally am not ready for all of that yet I'm scared that by the time I am ready I will have missed my chance. But then I feel stupid even typing that because I am still so young. Oh it's a double edged sword this young adulthood thing is. For fucks sake I just wish my attitude would be consistent because some days I'm all "Hell yeah I'm single and young and unattached and this is how it's supposed to be for a while, live it up and enjoy it!!!" and other times it's like "Why don't I have a house with a picket fence and a husband and 2.2 kids and a golden retriever to go home to? I'm a failure at life!" And my personal answer as to why I do not have the latter is because I am not ready and furthermore I will not settle for someone I semi-like, I will wait for the "one" the one who takes my breath away and is all that I know I deserve. So cheers to all the girls who are waiting for what you want and deserve (whatever that may be)!!!!

How fitting is this?

At the exact moment my first loves wife was giving birth to his child I was starting my period.

p.s. another post will be forthcoming later today although I can't promise it will be any better :)

I have no words for this one

Dude I'm trying really hard not to break down crying at my desk while I write this. Let me begin by saying I SUCK AT LIFE. That pretty much sums up everything that follows so save yourself and just stop reading there. I referenced the breakup of me and my now ex a few days ago here. It is so hard for me to write about this shit on here because I just babble incoherently until I get so sick of myself that I just end the post and go slap myself (okay so not really but you get the point.) Well anyways we have been keeping in touch and despite what he thinks I truly do care about him and miss him. One night he called when I was out for drinks with another guy and I made the mistake of answering and it was all over, he was mega pissed and also waaay upset. He was so hurt and I felt so guilty b/c we had just ended it and I was already out with someone else. I didn't want him to feel like I ditched him for the next best thing because that was not the case. I wish things could work out between us but the hardest thing is loving someone so much that you can admit that it can't work and then let that person go so that they can be truly happy. Right? That's what I thought except apparently he thought we were truly happy. He didn't believe all those phone calls telling him that I felt we were growing apart and I sensed him pulling away. He didn't believe me when I told him I was starting to dream about other guys and it scared me. He didn't listen when I tried to tell him about my day. But apparently all that went unnoticed because I found out last night that he had bought an engagement ring for me three months ago and was going to surprise me on Christmas. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Whaaaaaat?????? Absolutely did not see that coming. And I also didn't realize I would want it so much while at the same time knowing I can't have it. I feel like such a bitch for just saying "this isn't working" and being out with another guy a few nights later when he was apparently thinking things were waaaaaay more serious. He is such a great guy, I cannot say that enough, but we just don't work as a couple. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how much I hurt him and I feel like the biggest scumbag on this planet. Not to mention that I could have been fucking engaged on Christmas!!! WTF???? Perhaps you don't understand the magnitude of this let me lay it out for you :this guy could never fully get his shit together and come to find out he got his shit together and I lost my shit. And with that I can officially say I suck at life and at metaphors.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with

Following is a copy of the message I sent to the now ex boyfriend. Don't really want to talk about it right now except to say that we were broken up before (again too lazy to link) but this time it is more definite, more final. I feel like shit but I didn't do it to hurt him. It sucks to love someone and know that you have to let them go because they're just not right for you.


Hey, I just wanted to say hi and that I know you don't believe me and I know you don't want to talk to me but I truly do care about you. You are a great person, just not the right one for me. You will make some girl very very happy and though I will always feel just a little bit jealous I will be happy for you. I don't want you to hate me but I understand why you're pushing me away, it was never my intention to hurt you, I was lonely and I couldn't wait forever. It's not that I don't understand your life, because I do, it's just that it's not the life I want for myself. I will never ever forget you even though you say you'll forget me I know that's not true. What we had was so special and I still miss it everyday but what were my choices?? Wait for months or years until you were ready to pay attention to me?? I can't do that anymore, life's too short to wait around. If you don't have time for me now then you don't deserve my time later. I know you're just being mean to me out of anger but I really hope that someday soon we can be close friends because I miss you. I miss your smile and your accent and the way you make me laugh, I miss the nighttime "flashlight shows" you did on the ceiling, I miss the comfort of laying in your bed and staring at the ceiling, I miss our stupid little arguments and I miss feeling proud of you when you learn something new. Please don't throw everything away, I still want to be close to you as a friend. If that can't happen right now I understand but hopefully it can happen someday.
I did not mean to hurt you and I am sooo sooo sorry that it came to that but always remember me and all the fun that we had.
All my love,
Nicole

With letters like this I would make an excellent pen pal!

Everyone remembers their first true love, I mean how could you forget right? And for the majority of us we look back at that time with fond memories and feel the slightest twinge of jealousy when we hear of their marriage or the birth of their first child but in all actuality our rational self knows that our time together has passed (and even if we had the opportunity we wouldn't want to get back together with them) and we are genuinely happy for them. That is exactly how I feel as I have just recently found out that my first true love is married and expecting his first child (thank you myspace!). I don't want to be with him anymore but its just the slightest of subconscious pricks of jealousy when I think of her carrying his daughter because waaaay back when that was supposed to be me. I'm not trying to sound psycho here and I think you all know what I mean. Anyways I have composed a letter to her, for the purposes of this blog only (read: I will absolutely not be sending this to her).

Dear my first true love's wife (whose name sounds suspiciously similar to mine and is also the name I picked for my first daughter before I even knew of your existence, why must you taint it for me?),
How are you? How is the pregnancy progressing? I hear you're in your 28th week already; you were big before but good gravy you must be huge now!! :) I am writing to share a few ironies and truths with you. First and foremost an irony that has not escaped me and probably never will is that I spent the skinniest years of my life (read, the only years I was skinny) with your husband and it turns out that he likes fat girls (boy would he love me now!). Furthermore it has come to my attention that your husband has served in Iraq, I hope you didn't just decide to get married really quickly before he got deployed in case he died, that would be a real tragedy. Also, the "it's a girl" layout you have on myspace is adorable (if a little overpowering) but now that you have broadcast it to the entire myspace population as well as everyone you've ever met in your real life it would be a shame for your darling offspring to pop out as a boy however it would be very entertaining for all those around you :) In addition, I have seen photographs of your (very) humble abode and before the baby comes you may want to look into getting a place that is not in danger of rolling away every time a storm blows through as I hear that particular occurrence is quite frequent in neighborhoods such as yours. Finally, that blue care bear costume you wore a few Halloweens ago? Yeah never ever wear that again because you did not look cute and cuddly but like a giant, scary, ewok sent here to torment us by forcing us to stare at your three "spare tires" worth of fat until our retinas were seared and we had to look away and for months after all we could see were giant blue spots; however if you must dress up as a care bear I'm glad you chose grumpy bear because it is most likely very indicative of your default attitude for the next several decades of your life due to sleep deprivation brought about by the several children you're planning to have (after you push one out let me know if that number's decreased any k?) Anyways, just wanted to see how you were and wish you good luck with all that's coming your way, don't worry I'm sure you'll get some sleep again in about 50 years. But then again there's always grand kids, which I'm guessing will be coming sooner rather than later for you, just hope the hubby sticks with you through all of it!

Sincerely,
Nicole

Untitled (which is kind of like an oxymoron because that, in itself, is a title)

I've been hesitant to say anything for fear of jinxing my new found happiness but the ex and I are back together and I am genuinely happy, more so than I ever was before. I don't know what happened during the few months we were not together, perhaps he started to take to heart the things that I had been telling him all along, and perhaps I started to calm down just a little bit and realize that I can't get mad at him for things that are part of his culture, some things are just who he is and as long as he treats me well, respects me, and is there for me when I need him then he's okay in my book. Or maybe it's just the "honeymoon phase" all over again but I don't care what it is I just hope it sticks around.

p.s. Sooo glad Grey's Anatomy is back, and even more glad that George is not gone :)

p.p.s We have rescued yet another cat, this one from our backyard (which is also a park) She was basically about to starve to death when she wandered up to our house so we took her in got her fixed and declawed gave her her shots and we're calling her Izzy buuuuut if you know anyone who needs a cat she is free to a good home (and preferably someone we actually know in real life)

All I feel's alone, might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul (yes that title is shamelessly stolen from John Mayer)

I know I said I'd post "later" which apparently means in you know 5-6 days or whenever I get around to it. In my defense the subject matter is kinda heavy so it takes longer to will myself to write it. In other words...brace yourself this is gonna be a long, emotion-laden one.

I did in fact go visit the ex and his family last weekend and that one week break I took after I returned home? That was me assessing the emotional carnage. Who in the hell thought visiting the ex would be a good idea? Like seriously what kind of idiot gets over someone and then decides that they should plunge themselves right back into their life??? You may not be able to guess it from the tone of this entry but the weekend was amazing and loads of fun, thats the problem. I miss them all so very, very much. I was so unhappy before that it was semi-easy to just walk away but now??? Not so much. As I write this I feel depression, not sadness, not regret, but deep down emotional distress and sorrow. So on the car ride home (after the first hour was spent crying uncontrollably) I started to analyze myself (what can I say I'm a psych major, it's what I do). It suddenly dawned on me that this pain was a familiar pain, a hurt so deep that it expresses itself in every aspect of my life. I become some neurotic basketcase who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning for fear of facing my feelings, it's exhausting. Sometimes people think that I'm just lazy (and sometimes I am) but how do I tell them that sometimes it's just because I don't want to face pain, real or perceived. When I'm in this mood everything I see and do reminds me of how un-happy I am. I realized that I feel this way after returning from my visit because those people love me, and I them. Everyone I meet tells the ex how great I am and they actually fight over whose house I should stay at, they speak what little English they know and include me in all that they do. They gossip with me about his new fuck buddy and they tell me not to be sad, that I am their family and she never will be. Above all there is always someone around for me. That's the bottom line, that's where I had my epiphany of sorts. As I mentioned above this pain was not new; I have felt it many times before but I had forgotten how miserable it was. It takes me back to the days of my childhood when I would spend every-other weekend with my dad. We would have the best time, not because he's extravagant and took me everywhere I wanted to go or because he bought me things but because he genuinely understood me and was always there (notice the theme?). The best memories of my life thus far include rainy Saturdays spent inside, just me and my dad, eating chicken noodle soup and talking about everything and nothing at all. When Sunday would roll around I would be devastated, I would begin to cry two hours before I was supposed to be home, sometimes I would get physically ill and beg my Dad not to make me go and I would see the tears in his eyes as he would pull away. It's not that my mom was some terrible monster, she loved me and cared for me the best way that she knew how but it just wasn't the same. She didn't quite "get" me nor did she want to spend quality time with me. I felt isolated and alone and I remember crying and feeling miserable until I could return to my dads again. I didn't realize it until later in life but I was actually depressed; at 8 years old I suffered from depression and tons of anxiety which expressed itself as OCD oftentimes. Okay so there's my sob story, you've heard it and now I'll get to the point the theme is I am terrified, I mean terrified, of being alone. At both my dad's house and now with the ex's family I feel like everyone is there for me, that I can be alone in a room but not be alone. Here at my house, at my desk, I am alone, alone in the world. I pass my mom in the hallway and we talk but for all intents and purposes I am alone. Now that I'm older and have the tools to help myself I know that I will be okay, I know that this feeling of sadness will pass and that I cannot become involved in a relationship solely because of a great emotional environment; that would be a cop-out, and I am putting it in writing right here so that when I feel weak and like he's my only option I will come back and read this and remind myself that I am strong and I won't take the easy road; I've worked through to much to do that now.

The entry in which the parenthesis usage got out of control

Did I really make a promise to write everyday??? Come on it's me, like that will happen. So I will amend what I said to sound something like: whenever I have a lesson to share but still more often than if I were just posting long rambling entries about nothing in particular. Got it??? Good.

On to today's business, I'm debating whether to drive down and see the ex's fam. We've been talking and I miss them all like crazy but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I mean clearly I'll see him if I go unless he gets called to work and to be truthful I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. He's so off the wall, one day he calls begging me to come back to him (and last week I actually got a semi-marriage proposal if you call "My family loves you we have to get married someday" a proposal lol and followed shortly thereafter (after he was rejected of course) by asking me to give him a baby). But the thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any of that, he's dating some hussy from North Carolina so it's all good. And I have no feelings for him anymore so I'm not worried about anything happening. It's just that I am a very sentimental person and I don't know if I can make that same drive, and see those same faces, and do all of those same things knowing that last time I was there and every time before that we were together (that place is synonyous with "us") and even worse that this may be the last time I see all of them (b/c honestly how often have I driven there in the last 4 months). I have to go sooner or later so now seems as good a time as any but I don't know, we'll see. Oh and clearly I will not be staying at his bug-infested apartment (lol) I'll be staying with his aunt that lives nearby and her daughter; my angel-girl that I referenced in this post. So I'll be back with details of either how it went or why I decided not to go and perhaps pictures of my Brazilian babies. Wish me luck!

Oh and I guess my lesson from all of this could be: Don't be so over-run by emotions from the past that you miss out on having fun in the present. Or if things go terribly: Sometimes there's a reason you broke up, now stay away dumb bitch.

Post vacation ramblings

It's been way too long! Vacation was absolutely AMAZING but it went by so fast that I feel like I was never even there, that it was all just a dream. I spent a week sunbathing in the Outer Banks with my best friend and her family in an absolutely gorgeous house. I hate the week after vacation because I always miss S (my best friend) soooooo much, she lives in Virginia so I don't get to see her nearly as often as I need to. But I digress, I'm back to reality now.

The date went well and we kept in touch over vacation, hopefully we'll go out again sometime this week. He was quite a gentleman, opening doors, complimenting me, and if there would have been a chair to pull out at dinner I'm sure he would have. He's very attractive, very confident, and very well spoken so we'll see how it goes. He's a far cry from what I usually settle for which is good because the whole point is getting serious and no longer settling for second (or 50 millionth) best.

And finally I would just like to say a special and extremely sarcastic thank you to the catty bitchy and unloyal "friends" (also known as X and her sister) who feel it appropriate to only talk to their "friends" to get gossip about their life that they can spread around. And I especially thank you for not even trying to be discreet about it. Good luck at ever having any true relationships that aren't with your sisters losers.

Yikes-a-bee!

Heh, scored a date with said nice guy (in yesterday's post)for tonight and am now as nervous as all get out! I bet I run into at least four things today and spill at least 2. I have never been this excited/nervous for a date before. I am so very, very hopeful. After all we talked on the phone for 3 hours last night.....thats a 1 plus a 1 plus another 1!!! And never ran out of things to say. So please wish me luck and oh my goodness send good vibes my way. If all goes well tonite I might not be quite so excited about leaving for a ten day vacation tomorrow :)

Refreshing

Okay I talked to the most amazing guy last night and I just wanted to say how refreshing it was. He did not mention his penis, my breasts, my crotch or any other such thing, he was a perfect gentleman and there were no awkward silences at all. He laughed at the appropriate times, he contributed intelligently to the conversation, he asked questions instead of just answering them. It was like we were adults or something! hahaha Anyways we definitely "clicked" and I am very hopeful. I just wanted to express how thoroughly floored I am that I have finally found a member of the opposite sex who can carry on a meaningful conversation. Thank goodness!!!!!!!

Queen of rationalizing

I have a theory that I was just contemplating and it goes a little something like this: I think it's the guys responsibility to make the first move as far as calling a girl goes, I mean after all it's only fair, the woman has to experience child birth right? So he can feel a little awkward now and I'll feel a little awkward later. But then i thought harder about it and figured, a measley phone call compared to pushing a bowling ball out your vagina in front of 10 million people and possibly taking a crap while doing so not to mention having to sustain that child for the next months of its life by having it attach itself to a very sensitive part of your body and suck, not to mention when it grow freakin teeth, OWWW. So anyways what I'm getting at is either the guy has it really easy or I'm trying to reationalize reasons why the guy I've been talking to should be the first to call me.

"Whoops" and other sad news

I don't want to write it because if I write it it's true but then again I guess not writing about it isn't helping matters either so whatever, me and the b.f. broke up. Its been oh about 2 weeks now but its just starting to really sink in. We both agreed on it, he's too busy with work and I need someone who can be there for me but that does not change the fact that he is adorable and one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I guess I knew there was no real future for us but I wanted to believe that we were special and that it would work out for us......basically I'm real big on denial apparently. So we parted ways but the thing that rips my heart apart each and every day is that we still talk, I still listen to his adorable mispronunciations and smile and he is still one of the sweetest guys in the world. Deep down I know it's over but I don't do well with change I mean hell I got a new credit card last week where I get money back when I buy stuff and I got a little sad because that meant I wouldn't need to use old faithful (my first credit card, that I have used since I was 17...tear) So you see I'm basically an emotional basket case and this is the only place I can admit that I really truly hurt, in my heart, but I know that I will be okay, just like my now ex told me last night "trust me nicole I know you will find a guy that is so much better than me" Well I don't know about better but just different and perhaps a better match. And now because I don't want to feel sad anymore I will post a funny story I told several months ago in a blog on myspace about me and my idiocy and my very loving and forgiving ex-boyfriend. It is ever-so-appropriately entitled "whoops"


They say love means never having to say you're sorry but if you have, in the span of one and a half days, ripped a bracket off a window while trying to hang Christmas lights thus causing the miniblinds (which don't even belong to your boyfriend) to fall, then while making him move them you distract him so that he turns knocking his roomates speaker off his desk and breaking the front off (all the while I'm laughing uncontrollably and not even trying to help), and finally set his oven on fire at the beginning of the Ohio State Game causing the majority of the first half to be spent a)putting out the fire and b) chiseling plastic off the oven racks, then i would say that this quote is a load of crap and encourage you to swallow your pride and apologize repeatedly for the next month.

And now for a hilarious quote

"Nicole! Tell me you didn't see that big piece of beef! Your head is not normal." (The b.f. said this to me when i spazed out cause i thought i broke his freezer door on top of eveything mentioned above so i yelled at him to come look at it, insisting that I didn't break it when if fact the true problem, as you may have guessed from the above quote, was a hunk of beef blocking the door from closing; he kindly pushed it aside and then stared at me like i was an absolute nutcase and i can't say i blame him)

Oh the irony!

Irony is spending the skinniest years of your life with a boyfriend who turns out to love fat girls and has married one, one who is not you, although you are fat now too.

Preach it sistah!!!!

Wanna know what I think?? I don't care if the answer is yes or no because this is my blog and I'm gonna say it anyway. I think it is ridiculous for girls to stay with men who treat them like crap just because they're scared of being alone. I am tired of seeing otherwise strong women constantly making excuses for themselves and a guy who has not even the slightest idea what respect is.

I realize it is difficult to end a relationship (I too at one point in my life was guilty of staying in a relationship for fear of being lonely, but then I turned 17) Get over it already and have enough respect for yourself to find a guy that is worthy of you. People treat you how you let them treat you and even if it's just "this one person" disrespecting you(which, chances are it's not) that is one person too many. Have enough respect for yourself to kindly step away from those who treat you badly. I'm not saying you need to turn all psycho feminist on their ass, just nicely end it because you deserve better and chances are you will not be alone forever but even if you are at least you won't be faced with a disappointing relationship in which you are constantly getting hurt and making excuses.

Oh and if a close friend gives you advice on a man and you don't want to hear it so you accuse her of being "jealous", that's pretty much as low as you can get so if you find yourself wanting to utter those words do it privately that way in a few months when your guy ditches you you'll have a lot less back-peddling to do. And just to clear things up all of the above is also true for guys: bottom line, if someone doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated then they're not worth your time.