I have no words for this one

Dude I'm trying really hard not to break down crying at my desk while I write this. Let me begin by saying I SUCK AT LIFE. That pretty much sums up everything that follows so save yourself and just stop reading there. I referenced the breakup of me and my now ex a few days ago here. It is so hard for me to write about this shit on here because I just babble incoherently until I get so sick of myself that I just end the post and go slap myself (okay so not really but you get the point.) Well anyways we have been keeping in touch and despite what he thinks I truly do care about him and miss him. One night he called when I was out for drinks with another guy and I made the mistake of answering and it was all over, he was mega pissed and also waaay upset. He was so hurt and I felt so guilty b/c we had just ended it and I was already out with someone else. I didn't want him to feel like I ditched him for the next best thing because that was not the case. I wish things could work out between us but the hardest thing is loving someone so much that you can admit that it can't work and then let that person go so that they can be truly happy. Right? That's what I thought except apparently he thought we were truly happy. He didn't believe all those phone calls telling him that I felt we were growing apart and I sensed him pulling away. He didn't believe me when I told him I was starting to dream about other guys and it scared me. He didn't listen when I tried to tell him about my day. But apparently all that went unnoticed because I found out last night that he had bought an engagement ring for me three months ago and was going to surprise me on Christmas. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Whaaaaaat?????? Absolutely did not see that coming. And I also didn't realize I would want it so much while at the same time knowing I can't have it. I feel like such a bitch for just saying "this isn't working" and being out with another guy a few nights later when he was apparently thinking things were waaaaaay more serious. He is such a great guy, I cannot say that enough, but we just don't work as a couple. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how much I hurt him and I feel like the biggest scumbag on this planet. Not to mention that I could have been fucking engaged on Christmas!!! WTF???? Perhaps you don't understand the magnitude of this let me lay it out for you :this guy could never fully get his shit together and come to find out he got his shit together and I lost my shit. And with that I can officially say I suck at life and at metaphors.