A new chapter on the horizon

I am sitting here in absolute amazement. I have just written and printed my final undergraduate paper. I turn it in tomorrow and take one really easy test on Thursday and then I'm a college grad. You have no idea how sentimental I am and how freaked out I get when my world changes. And this?? Will be a big change. I will be off school for an entire semester as my graduate program doesn't start until end of May early June. Also, I work as a student assistant in an office on campus and because I am graduating that means I'm leaving my job too.

I know that I bitch and moan about school and how stressed I am but I cannot fathom not being in school. It is what I do, all I've known. I have worked, but jobs have always been secondary to getting my education. What will I do with all the TIME??? How will it feel to read a book or watch t.v. and not be thinking, in the back of my mind, that I should be working on such and such that's due next week?

And work, don't even get me started on how sad I am to be leaving my perfect little office. I'm still in denial about this one. I have worked there for 3 and a half years, so basically all of my undergrad years, and I love it. It is private so I'm not constantly forced to interact with other students, the schedule is flexible, the work load is light and simple, and the people are amazing. Oh the people I work with...I wish I could bottle them up and take them with me. I cannot imagine not walking to my office and saying hello to Peg, and practicing portuguese with Janete, and listening to Phyllis curse and laugh, and talking to Kaye about her adorable grandson and what she did over the weekend. These people have been more than people that I work for and with, they have been my cheerleaders and have supported me in all the work I've done both academically and otherwise. They have taken a true interest in my life and have made going to work pleasurable. I am so very sad to be leaving my little nest. I just want things to stay the same, I am so scared of change. I cannot imagine finding a better work environment or people who care more about me. They are throwing me a celebration on Thursday and I promised myself I wouldn't cry until Friday (my last day), I doubt I'll be able to follow through. Today when I got to work there was an envelope with pictures of an outing that I went on with Peg and her grandson, so thoughtful. Little gifts have been trickling in and even better little words of encouragement and congratulations. They have confidence in me that I will succeed, more confidence in fact, then I think I have in myself.

So here's to starting new chapters, which quite frankly simultaneously terrifies and excites me.

In case anyone was wondering...

From a message I posted to those who feel the need to question me about my long distance (only for another month :)! ) relationship with J.

I know so many of you don't understand and wonder why I don't just "move on" and "get over it" but to you I say I am happier, even when I'm missing him, then I have ever been before in my life. He is an amazing person so please don't judge me and just trust that I am well aware of what I am doing and feel free to live your life the way you see fit and I will do the same. I don't need anymore people trying to talk me out of loving someone, when did that ever work? Love is messy and tragic and wonderful and euphoric all at once and I wish for everyone to feel the kind of love that I feel when I see him smile.

Feelings of inferiority anyone...anyone....Bueller?

I don't know if I've mentioned here that one of my moms all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior witout your consent" (or something like that) by Eleanor Roosevelt. Well my mom would not be proud because I've been noticing recently that I am pretty much constantly feeling inferior.

As I study for the GRE (which I take on August 23rd, pray for me!) I think, "how does anyone pass this? I must be some kind of idiot because I've been studying for nearly a year and I still don't know half the vocabulary and the math? Just forget about it. I know some real idiots who've gotten their masters degree and they had to take this same test, maybe I'm not as smart and capable as I thought."

As I prepare to graduate from college in December, with Honors no less, I find myself saying "Yeah but I just got into the honors program on a fluke and the real honors students are so smart and organized and prepared. I save everything until the last minute and don't really deserve to be here because I never read the books or spend hours studying like everyone else claims to, the information just sticks".

As I'm walking into work I see a well-dressed, pretty girl walking past me and I automatically shrink back thinking well maybe I'm single because I don't have legs like her, or hair like so-and-so" (yes I think that, no I don't actually believe it...most of the time.)

As I am reading the truly inspiring words of other bloggers out there and listen to them talking about the great blogging community I scroll down and see 10's and 100's of comments and I think "I know my writing sucks and I admittedly don't have much time to put into this whole blogging thing but couldn't someone at least comment every tenth post or something? I want to feel involved, but then when I think about it how often do I comment, or link, or anything of that nature? The answer: RARELY, so that's another big FAIL.

I minimize my accomplishments and feel that all I've achieved is mediocrity. It comes down to the fact that I am such a perfectionist deep-down, that on the surface I choke when I have to do things because I am scared they won't be great enough. I feel that everything I do is sub-standard, even when that is not the case (or so I'm told). I feel that I am inferior for being 22 and still living at home, for not being in any kind of long-term relationship, for watching all my friends lives come together while I'm in school struggling to become an adult. Buy hey, at least I'm fighting back and making something of myself, let's hope it's not just something average.

Growth

All of this waiting and worrying and still having to move on with my daily life is teaching me a lesson. I can see myself growing as a person and learning to rely a lot more on God and trust that his will is being done. I'm not usually one to wax all religious on here but I am feeling growth as a person and for me God is part of that so...just sayin. Anyways I finally got an e-mail from J yesterday and gosh did it hit home how much I truly miss him but also how much I didn't really expect to hear from him and was beginning the very initial stages of moving on. But at the same time it felt right, like I knew I would hear from him all along. I don't know what the heck I'm saying, I'm so confused but basically God is working on me and even though it's been hard it doesn't feel devastating like it did before, it just feels like an obstacle I must overcome to obtain true contentment and happiness. Growth people, its all about growth.

I suck at coming up with titles for this stuff

On Monday morning I woke up with tonsils the size of Texas and could hardly swallow. This has continued all week which caused me to actually schedule an appointment with the Dr. (which I never do) but it was more because I need my anti-anxiety/depression pills refilled than the whole pesky can't hardly swallow thing (see I know what's important!). So, hey, lucky me, I have strep throat. I can only hope I passed it on to that absolute dill-weed I went on a date with a couple weeks ago because that would be the bright spot of my week.

So what is so depressing? In my effort to share more, the main thing referred to here was the fact that I was dating an utterly wonderful guy (J), things were going brilliantly. It was unlike any relationship I had shared with someone before, nothing was forced or awkward, there was no tension we just "were". It was relaxed and refreshing and peaceful and wonderful all at once. When I was with him I felt complete and like I was at home (and trust me there is nothing I love more than my home so that is saying A LOT). Everything was great for months and months and then I had to go and jinx myself and write the post (which I have sinced removed) about life's unexpected moments and the next day POOF! everything sucks. He had to go home (he is from India originally) for 6 months to be with his family. We have been trying to contact one another but we keep missing. I swear everytime I listen to his voicemail it rips my heart out because half of me loves him and misses him and the other half of me wants to punch him in the gut. Anyways that's the long end short of it so I am half waiting to see what happens with him and half dating but the more dates I go on the more I miss him so we'll see...

Edited to add: You know what on second though I will repost the post about lifes little moments because I don't want to forget or ignore the wonderful moments in life. So please read it, it's a good one, its from sometime at the end of May/beginning of June or hey, I'll stop being lazy and link to it.

Blahbity blahbity blah blah blah-the post in which I need to shut my face

The whole reason I started this blog was to chronicle the events of my life. I wanted to be able to catalog everything that happened so that I could look back and remember it. Now I realize I was doing it more because I use writing as my preferred form of therapy. That, you see, is a problem. I chose a public forum on which to write my most private thoughts and feelings. Also when I'm actually going through the situation that warrents the writing it is hard for me to do so because I either a)feel like I won't do the event justice and will somehow ruin it by writing about it or b) I clam up and am too upset/depressed/elated/overjoyed..(whatever, you get the picture) to write about it. So I end up feeling like this blog isn't a true representation of "me". It's just a huge pile of posts about why I couldn't post or vague suggestions as to what happened but never really writing about them.
So basically? FAIL
But as always I will try to do better and I will try to post more and write about whats going on even if I feel like I don't want to because if I don't do something then all I'll have is a million years worth of posts that say "whoops sorry I didn't post, the event is still too raw" followed by "the situation is over and it all worked out". Not exactly the in depth chronicling of life that I'd like to have here.

All I want but won't let myself enjoy

I am feeling so happy but then I won't even let myself enjoy happiness because I automatically start thinking of all that could go wrong. What is it that makes me feel like everything is too good to be true? That I don't truly deserve to be this freaking happy? Because all I want is to be this freaking happy.

Yuck

I am so utterly gutted. I wrote this amazing poignant post about how wonderful life's unexpected moments are and two hours later I was forced to remove it because...how shall I say this? Things were nowhere near as wonderful as they had been. It's a long story and I'm still too upset to write about it so forgive me if posting is light. I'm dealing with that deep seeded depression that makes even the tiniest task seem impossible and everything I do makes me want to burst into tears so please pardon my emotional basketcase-ness. Also, don't worry no one died or anything, it's just a personal battle of sorts.

p.s. on a brighter note I was in Outer Banks NC for a week and it was absolutely brilliant and beautiful, pictures coming soon PROMISE!

Life's unexpected moments

Sunday evening with J was one of those "moments", the kind that you instinctively know as soon as it's happening that you will be able to look back on it in 60 years and still feel that same pang of joy that you did at the time. These moments always happen when they're least expected and usually when doing something "ordinary". You're just going about your life living an ordinary existence and BAM these tiny extraordinary little moments pop up out of nowhere. I think of these moments as actually living and the rest of time is just (ha, just!) life.

It was a spontaneous dance party on a blue shaggy carpeted bedroom floor and I'll never forget it as long as I live. I am compelled to document it so that when someone asks me when I had that "moment" the one where I knew he was different and special, and that I loved him, I can say definitively: That Sunday afternoon when I was wearing the black sundress and we were making up dance moves like the Ali Baba and dancing until we had to stop because we were laughing (and sweating) so hard. And then we looked into each others eyes and we noticed that both of us had little tears in the corners because we had both felt it, that moment of pure unadulterated joy with one another. And for two people to have a "moment" at exactly the same time, that deserves to be written about because it only happens every once in a great while.

Me

wow my posting has been light lately...or, you know, virtually non-existent. So I'm at work, it's Friday, and hardly anyone is in so I'm doing what I do most often to keep myself occupied--browsing the quotes on photobucket. Yeah I'm cool. Anyways I decided to do a post describing myself in only said quotes so without further ado...

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Here are two I couldn't find on photobucket
"Summer has snuck up again on me and my giant ass"
"I can hardly wait to see and meticulously judge people at my high school reunion"

and finally, my favorite which has absolutely nothing to do with anything...

One year ago

I cannot believe it's been a year since I wrote this post.
A year since I sat in my dorm room and watched the sickening news unfold. The largest school shooting in Americas history, they said. And today, one year later scarcely a mention of that heartbreaking day. Maybe it's because I have ties to Virginia Tech (as I mentioned before my best friend goes there) or maybe it's because I know that that could have just as easily happened here, but I just want the whole wide world to remember that day and to take time and pray; pray for the families who will never see their loved ones again, pray for the people whose lives were cut short and dreams shattered, pray for those who witnessed it and will forever remember the terrible images they saw that day, and if you don't pray just please take a moment to remember, give those who were lost a moment to come back to this earth, if only through your remembrance. And then when you're all done with that take a moment to be thankful for all the people that are in your life.

Do not read if a great deal of profanity and name calling offends you

Okay so I only have about 15 minutes left at work so this may be jumbled and rushed but I MUST rant.

Dear my best-friends ex-boyfriend/whatever the hell you were since you acted like you were with her but refused to even call her your girlfriend cause you're too fucking immature and a loser who will never amount to anything in life,

You are a motherfucking scumbag of a human being. You do not lead someone on for nearly 3 YEARS all the while dating around behind her back and waiting for someone else to come along. You are so mentally and psychologically immature that you are incapable of forming a relationship that even remotely constitutes normal human interactions. I met you once and you were a complete and total douche bag, dragging her to your room and leaving me alone in the fucking living room like you had something to prove. You and I both know you are an asshole but she didn't and I was hoping against hope that I was wrong, but I'm an extremely accurate judge of character most of the time and this time was no exception. You knew how she felt about you, she told you all the time, but instead of being a real man and admitting that you didn't have the same feelings you used her and then discarded her like trash. YOU ARE AN IMMATURE PATHETIC DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING. I have listened to her cry, heard her analyze every syllable of every word you uttered, and received ecstatic voice mails because you sent a text that said something as basic as miss u. You lit up her life, and while I'm glad she didn't end up staying with you I am pissed that you proved me right. Grow the fuck up dick-wad.

Patience is a virtue, or so they say

I have a buttload of free time at work today so instead of doing my homework or something else that might save me time later I've been sitting here for the past three and a half hours surfing the great internet and thinking. Baaaaaaad idea. BIG.FAT.BAD.IDEA

You see, I'm the kind of person who cannot have too much down time or I start to think too much and then the crayzeeness-it comes. I have ended yet another pointless, going nowhere relationship and truthfully, I'm okay with that, that's not what I'm all whiney and contemplative about. What I am "all whiney and contemplative" about however is why there is soooo much freakin emphasis put on relationships. I mean for crying out loud I am still young, just barely 22 and I feel like an old maid because all of my peers are getting married, buying houses, and having children. I can barely take care of my car and it's demands let alone sustain an intimate relationship with someone else, pay a mortgage, and take responsibility for a whole nother life. And while I know that I am making the right choice for myself by waiting for these things and focusing on school and a future career it does not change the fact that my greatest dream in life is to be a mother and a wife (eww I just gagged on that one a bit because I hate it when people say shit like that). I just want that one special person that I can settle down and share everything and build a life with but guess what???? I'm not ready for that yet and I feel like a fool even whining about it because I know I'm not ready yet.

So what, you may ask, is the problem??? Well it all boils down to this, while I know I personally am not ready for all of that yet I'm scared that by the time I am ready I will have missed my chance. But then I feel stupid even typing that because I am still so young. Oh it's a double edged sword this young adulthood thing is. For fucks sake I just wish my attitude would be consistent because some days I'm all "Hell yeah I'm single and young and unattached and this is how it's supposed to be for a while, live it up and enjoy it!!!" and other times it's like "Why don't I have a house with a picket fence and a husband and 2.2 kids and a golden retriever to go home to? I'm a failure at life!" And my personal answer as to why I do not have the latter is because I am not ready and furthermore I will not settle for someone I semi-like, I will wait for the "one" the one who takes my breath away and is all that I know I deserve. So cheers to all the girls who are waiting for what you want and deserve (whatever that may be)!!!!

I have no words for this one

Dude I'm trying really hard not to break down crying at my desk while I write this. Let me begin by saying I SUCK AT LIFE. That pretty much sums up everything that follows so save yourself and just stop reading there. I referenced the breakup of me and my now ex a few days ago here. It is so hard for me to write about this shit on here because I just babble incoherently until I get so sick of myself that I just end the post and go slap myself (okay so not really but you get the point.) Well anyways we have been keeping in touch and despite what he thinks I truly do care about him and miss him. One night he called when I was out for drinks with another guy and I made the mistake of answering and it was all over, he was mega pissed and also waaay upset. He was so hurt and I felt so guilty b/c we had just ended it and I was already out with someone else. I didn't want him to feel like I ditched him for the next best thing because that was not the case. I wish things could work out between us but the hardest thing is loving someone so much that you can admit that it can't work and then let that person go so that they can be truly happy. Right? That's what I thought except apparently he thought we were truly happy. He didn't believe all those phone calls telling him that I felt we were growing apart and I sensed him pulling away. He didn't believe me when I told him I was starting to dream about other guys and it scared me. He didn't listen when I tried to tell him about my day. But apparently all that went unnoticed because I found out last night that he had bought an engagement ring for me three months ago and was going to surprise me on Christmas. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Whaaaaaat?????? Absolutely did not see that coming. And I also didn't realize I would want it so much while at the same time knowing I can't have it. I feel like such a bitch for just saying "this isn't working" and being out with another guy a few nights later when he was apparently thinking things were waaaaaay more serious. He is such a great guy, I cannot say that enough, but we just don't work as a couple. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how much I hurt him and I feel like the biggest scumbag on this planet. Not to mention that I could have been fucking engaged on Christmas!!! WTF???? Perhaps you don't understand the magnitude of this let me lay it out for you :this guy could never fully get his shit together and come to find out he got his shit together and I lost my shit. And with that I can officially say I suck at life and at metaphors.

No more free handouts

One of my mom's all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" from Eleanor Roosevelt. I was just talking with a friend and thinking about it and that is so very very true. No one has the power to make you feel bad unless you give it to them. At what point did handing over that power become virtually unconscious and how can I take it back? Then I thought even deeper about how the majority of the world's problems are due to us projecting our insecurities onto others either intentionally or unintentionally. I'll give an example from my life that I have tried to side-step and deny but I know its true and hopefully by acknowledging it I will be able to work at correcting it. The theme of my life, if you will, is being lonely. I am terrified of it and will do almost anything to make sure that it does not happen. Sometimes that involves being a major jackass and latching onto someone only until I find someone better. Please don't judge me I know its wrong and makes me sound like a cold hearted bitch but I'm being honest and doing soul searching here okay? So I will no longer be handing out to people the power to make me feel bad and furthermore I will look deep inside myself and overcome my insecurities so that even if the whole world can't be a better place at least my little corner of it can be.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with

Following is a copy of the message I sent to the now ex boyfriend. Don't really want to talk about it right now except to say that we were broken up before (again too lazy to link) but this time it is more definite, more final. I feel like shit but I didn't do it to hurt him. It sucks to love someone and know that you have to let them go because they're just not right for you.


Hey, I just wanted to say hi and that I know you don't believe me and I know you don't want to talk to me but I truly do care about you. You are a great person, just not the right one for me. You will make some girl very very happy and though I will always feel just a little bit jealous I will be happy for you. I don't want you to hate me but I understand why you're pushing me away, it was never my intention to hurt you, I was lonely and I couldn't wait forever. It's not that I don't understand your life, because I do, it's just that it's not the life I want for myself. I will never ever forget you even though you say you'll forget me I know that's not true. What we had was so special and I still miss it everyday but what were my choices?? Wait for months or years until you were ready to pay attention to me?? I can't do that anymore, life's too short to wait around. If you don't have time for me now then you don't deserve my time later. I know you're just being mean to me out of anger but I really hope that someday soon we can be close friends because I miss you. I miss your smile and your accent and the way you make me laugh, I miss the nighttime "flashlight shows" you did on the ceiling, I miss the comfort of laying in your bed and staring at the ceiling, I miss our stupid little arguments and I miss feeling proud of you when you learn something new. Please don't throw everything away, I still want to be close to you as a friend. If that can't happen right now I understand but hopefully it can happen someday.
I did not mean to hurt you and I am sooo sooo sorry that it came to that but always remember me and all the fun that we had.
All my love,
Nicole

Happy 100th post to me

Still havin a kinda blah day blah blah blah feeling sorry for myself etc. But on a more exciting note yesterday was my 100th post, yea me!!!!! I honestly thought that this would go by the wayside after a couple posts but I'm truly glad it hasn't!!!

We both know that I could think myself dizzy, right now I'm spinning around

So usually I try and keep things pretty upbeat on here. I don't get into too many personal stories and such but tonight I'm feeling sad so I'm gonna let it all hang out, please bear with me.
I feel so lonely, I have a boyfriend who I haven't seen in a month and who never has time for me, I have a mother who has been increasingly rude to me, I have a million family members that live in the area who I haven't seen in probably 10 years, what the hell? I feel like everyone just isolates themselves and pretty soon we're all gonna be living alone. And the people I do hang out with regularly seem to always be checking their watch and making up reasons why they have to go (I'll admit I'm guilty of that one too). People don't understand, they really don't, all the hangups only children have. When I say I'm alone I'm alone. As in I genuinely feel alone in this world (though I know I'm not). Everyone seems to have their "someone" and I feel like all my "someones" have taken a leave of absence. It's such a double edged sword, I crave my alone time if I don't get enough but when I have too much I get in a funk. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world; that feeling that no one in the entire world is thinking about me, it's so depressing. I know it's not true but we all have our moments of feeling this way I suppose. I just feel like what the fuck I'm 21 what am I doing sitting at home on a Saturday night blogging? Why am I not out with friends, and furthermore why do I not really want to be sometimes? I just wish I had my rock, the one person that would make me feel un-lonely but not smother me. Now I'm just rambling and this is a big muddled mess so just let me keep feeling sorry for myself for just a few more minutes and then I'll suck it up k?
I had dinner with my cousins (they're sisters) tonight and I was really looking forward to going; we could be really close but we rarely see each other though I don't know why. It actually sucked. Not the dinner itself that part was great and we had a lot of laughs, but just the fact that I got a little taste of having people care and as soon as the food was gone BAM back to just me again.
Fuck everyone for always being on my back and fuck all the false friends that are out there. I have weeded you out and now I'm basically left with my closest family members and a few select friends. I am fucking lonely and sad. I want to be the person who can take life by the horns and have adventures, the one who can go out and talk to anyone and is always making new friends, I want to be optimistic and not so lazy and scared of meaningful relationships. Most of all I want to not be any of those things, I want to be me and still have support.

And yes the title of this post was shamelessly stolen from the song 5:19 by Matt Wertz

With letters like this I would make an excellent pen pal!

Everyone remembers their first true love, I mean how could you forget right? And for the majority of us we look back at that time with fond memories and feel the slightest twinge of jealousy when we hear of their marriage or the birth of their first child but in all actuality our rational self knows that our time together has passed (and even if we had the opportunity we wouldn't want to get back together with them) and we are genuinely happy for them. That is exactly how I feel as I have just recently found out that my first true love is married and expecting his first child (thank you myspace!). I don't want to be with him anymore but its just the slightest of subconscious pricks of jealousy when I think of her carrying his daughter because waaaay back when that was supposed to be me. I'm not trying to sound psycho here and I think you all know what I mean. Anyways I have composed a letter to her, for the purposes of this blog only (read: I will absolutely not be sending this to her).

Dear my first true love's wife (whose name sounds suspiciously similar to mine and is also the name I picked for my first daughter before I even knew of your existence, why must you taint it for me?),
How are you? How is the pregnancy progressing? I hear you're in your 28th week already; you were big before but good gravy you must be huge now!! :) I am writing to share a few ironies and truths with you. First and foremost an irony that has not escaped me and probably never will is that I spent the skinniest years of my life (read, the only years I was skinny) with your husband and it turns out that he likes fat girls (boy would he love me now!). Furthermore it has come to my attention that your husband has served in Iraq, I hope you didn't just decide to get married really quickly before he got deployed in case he died, that would be a real tragedy. Also, the "it's a girl" layout you have on myspace is adorable (if a little overpowering) but now that you have broadcast it to the entire myspace population as well as everyone you've ever met in your real life it would be a shame for your darling offspring to pop out as a boy however it would be very entertaining for all those around you :) In addition, I have seen photographs of your (very) humble abode and before the baby comes you may want to look into getting a place that is not in danger of rolling away every time a storm blows through as I hear that particular occurrence is quite frequent in neighborhoods such as yours. Finally, that blue care bear costume you wore a few Halloweens ago? Yeah never ever wear that again because you did not look cute and cuddly but like a giant, scary, ewok sent here to torment us by forcing us to stare at your three "spare tires" worth of fat until our retinas were seared and we had to look away and for months after all we could see were giant blue spots; however if you must dress up as a care bear I'm glad you chose grumpy bear because it is most likely very indicative of your default attitude for the next several decades of your life due to sleep deprivation brought about by the several children you're planning to have (after you push one out let me know if that number's decreased any k?) Anyways, just wanted to see how you were and wish you good luck with all that's coming your way, don't worry I'm sure you'll get some sleep again in about 50 years. But then again there's always grand kids, which I'm guessing will be coming sooner rather than later for you, just hope the hubby sticks with you through all of it!

Sincerely,
Nicole

Untitled (which is kind of like an oxymoron because that, in itself, is a title)

I've been hesitant to say anything for fear of jinxing my new found happiness but the ex and I are back together and I am genuinely happy, more so than I ever was before. I don't know what happened during the few months we were not together, perhaps he started to take to heart the things that I had been telling him all along, and perhaps I started to calm down just a little bit and realize that I can't get mad at him for things that are part of his culture, some things are just who he is and as long as he treats me well, respects me, and is there for me when I need him then he's okay in my book. Or maybe it's just the "honeymoon phase" all over again but I don't care what it is I just hope it sticks around.

p.s. Sooo glad Grey's Anatomy is back, and even more glad that George is not gone :)

p.p.s We have rescued yet another cat, this one from our backyard (which is also a park) She was basically about to starve to death when she wandered up to our house so we took her in got her fixed and declawed gave her her shots and we're calling her Izzy buuuuut if you know anyone who needs a cat she is free to a good home (and preferably someone we actually know in real life)