With letters like this I would make an excellent pen pal!

Everyone remembers their first true love, I mean how could you forget right? And for the majority of us we look back at that time with fond memories and feel the slightest twinge of jealousy when we hear of their marriage or the birth of their first child but in all actuality our rational self knows that our time together has passed (and even if we had the opportunity we wouldn't want to get back together with them) and we are genuinely happy for them. That is exactly how I feel as I have just recently found out that my first true love is married and expecting his first child (thank you myspace!). I don't want to be with him anymore but its just the slightest of subconscious pricks of jealousy when I think of her carrying his daughter because waaaay back when that was supposed to be me. I'm not trying to sound psycho here and I think you all know what I mean. Anyways I have composed a letter to her, for the purposes of this blog only (read: I will absolutely not be sending this to her).

Dear my first true love's wife (whose name sounds suspiciously similar to mine and is also the name I picked for my first daughter before I even knew of your existence, why must you taint it for me?),
How are you? How is the pregnancy progressing? I hear you're in your 28th week already; you were big before but good gravy you must be huge now!! :) I am writing to share a few ironies and truths with you. First and foremost an irony that has not escaped me and probably never will is that I spent the skinniest years of my life (read, the only years I was skinny) with your husband and it turns out that he likes fat girls (boy would he love me now!). Furthermore it has come to my attention that your husband has served in Iraq, I hope you didn't just decide to get married really quickly before he got deployed in case he died, that would be a real tragedy. Also, the "it's a girl" layout you have on myspace is adorable (if a little overpowering) but now that you have broadcast it to the entire myspace population as well as everyone you've ever met in your real life it would be a shame for your darling offspring to pop out as a boy however it would be very entertaining for all those around you :) In addition, I have seen photographs of your (very) humble abode and before the baby comes you may want to look into getting a place that is not in danger of rolling away every time a storm blows through as I hear that particular occurrence is quite frequent in neighborhoods such as yours. Finally, that blue care bear costume you wore a few Halloweens ago? Yeah never ever wear that again because you did not look cute and cuddly but like a giant, scary, ewok sent here to torment us by forcing us to stare at your three "spare tires" worth of fat until our retinas were seared and we had to look away and for months after all we could see were giant blue spots; however if you must dress up as a care bear I'm glad you chose grumpy bear because it is most likely very indicative of your default attitude for the next several decades of your life due to sleep deprivation brought about by the several children you're planning to have (after you push one out let me know if that number's decreased any k?) Anyways, just wanted to see how you were and wish you good luck with all that's coming your way, don't worry I'm sure you'll get some sleep again in about 50 years. But then again there's always grand kids, which I'm guessing will be coming sooner rather than later for you, just hope the hubby sticks with you through all of it!

Sincerely,
Nicole