Great quote from my (sometimes passive) co-worker

"Nicole, I'm learning to be more assertive because the meek may inherit the earth but I just want to survive while I'm here!"

Me

wow my posting has been light lately...or, you know, virtually non-existent. So I'm at work, it's Friday, and hardly anyone is in so I'm doing what I do most often to keep myself occupied--browsing the quotes on photobucket. Yeah I'm cool. Anyways I decided to do a post describing myself in only said quotes so without further ado...

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Here are two I couldn't find on photobucket
"Summer has snuck up again on me and my giant ass"
"I can hardly wait to see and meticulously judge people at my high school reunion"

and finally, my favorite which has absolutely nothing to do with anything...

Things you never want to hear in a hospital

My beloved mom has been in the hospital since Monday evening and just got home a few hours ago (not to worry it was a slight intestinal issue and she's fine) and though I only visited her for about an hour yesterday following are a few of the gems that I heard/ heard about while I was there.

My moms new roommate (her third) as she is being wheeled in:
"You know I was feeling really good...until I threw up."

Nurse: "Okay we had to put this lady in your room because her roommate last night didn't sleep at all because she has this thing where she counts to five, out-loud, alll night and day. I'm really sorry."

My moms second roommate to the nurse: "YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD MONITORS ON AND I TOOK THEM OFF JUST TO SEE IF YOU WOULD NOTICE AND YOU DIDN'T, I COULD HAVE BEEN LYING IN HERE DEAD FOR HOURS!" (apparently she has a habit of doing this)

Second roommate again: "I passed out at 11:30 and no one helped me until 2:00" (excuse me lady but if you pass out you don't know what time it was and how long you were lying there and further more my mom witnessed this "fainting" and it was very unbelievable to say the least. Normally when you pass out you just kind of crumple over this woman screamed and then FLUNG herself back onto the bed...and then kept peeking to see if anyone was coming to "help" her LOL

With letters like this I would make an excellent pen pal!

Everyone remembers their first true love, I mean how could you forget right? And for the majority of us we look back at that time with fond memories and feel the slightest twinge of jealousy when we hear of their marriage or the birth of their first child but in all actuality our rational self knows that our time together has passed (and even if we had the opportunity we wouldn't want to get back together with them) and we are genuinely happy for them. That is exactly how I feel as I have just recently found out that my first true love is married and expecting his first child (thank you myspace!). I don't want to be with him anymore but its just the slightest of subconscious pricks of jealousy when I think of her carrying his daughter because waaaay back when that was supposed to be me. I'm not trying to sound psycho here and I think you all know what I mean. Anyways I have composed a letter to her, for the purposes of this blog only (read: I will absolutely not be sending this to her).

Dear my first true love's wife (whose name sounds suspiciously similar to mine and is also the name I picked for my first daughter before I even knew of your existence, why must you taint it for me?),
How are you? How is the pregnancy progressing? I hear you're in your 28th week already; you were big before but good gravy you must be huge now!! :) I am writing to share a few ironies and truths with you. First and foremost an irony that has not escaped me and probably never will is that I spent the skinniest years of my life (read, the only years I was skinny) with your husband and it turns out that he likes fat girls (boy would he love me now!). Furthermore it has come to my attention that your husband has served in Iraq, I hope you didn't just decide to get married really quickly before he got deployed in case he died, that would be a real tragedy. Also, the "it's a girl" layout you have on myspace is adorable (if a little overpowering) but now that you have broadcast it to the entire myspace population as well as everyone you've ever met in your real life it would be a shame for your darling offspring to pop out as a boy however it would be very entertaining for all those around you :) In addition, I have seen photographs of your (very) humble abode and before the baby comes you may want to look into getting a place that is not in danger of rolling away every time a storm blows through as I hear that particular occurrence is quite frequent in neighborhoods such as yours. Finally, that blue care bear costume you wore a few Halloweens ago? Yeah never ever wear that again because you did not look cute and cuddly but like a giant, scary, ewok sent here to torment us by forcing us to stare at your three "spare tires" worth of fat until our retinas were seared and we had to look away and for months after all we could see were giant blue spots; however if you must dress up as a care bear I'm glad you chose grumpy bear because it is most likely very indicative of your default attitude for the next several decades of your life due to sleep deprivation brought about by the several children you're planning to have (after you push one out let me know if that number's decreased any k?) Anyways, just wanted to see how you were and wish you good luck with all that's coming your way, don't worry I'm sure you'll get some sleep again in about 50 years. But then again there's always grand kids, which I'm guessing will be coming sooner rather than later for you, just hope the hubby sticks with you through all of it!

Sincerely,
Nicole

Blush-fest

So I'm taking a little help from the prompts at the NaBloPoMo site and the topic I have chosen to write about today is my most embarrassing moment (which occurred when I was roughly 13 years old).
While there are many moments in my life that have been "embarrassing" there is one that absolutely takes the cake. I'll be honest, before this happened to me I always wondered how the heck anyone could be stupid enough to do this and figured that they were just making it up but alas when you're extremely tired and not paying much attention it is entirely possible to not only get in the wrong vehicle but to sit down in said vehicle with an entire family which isn't yours and begin calmly eating your ice cream before looking up and realizing that everyone is staring at you and that they are not, in fact, anyone you have ever seen before in your life. Next thing you know I panic, run out of the van leaving the door hanging wide open and letting their dog practically escape, and duck into my actual van with my actual family and my actual dog where I proceed to freak out and my family proceeds to laugh so hard they pee themselves because they watched the whole thing and didn't stop me because they wanted a good laugh.
Seriously, what are the chances of having the same exact van in the same parking lot with the same number of people and a dog inside, parked directly across from each other? It could have happened to anyone, just be glad it wasn't you lol.
Oh yeah and did I mention I was in my bathing suit when all of this transpired and that the people waved and honked at me when they left (hangs head and weeps)

When I'm tired of watering my plants I let my cats eat them, does that make me a feline nutritional specialist?

Just checking in to write about something a guest lecturer in one of my classes said that I found hilarious. He was talking about the origin of the human species and blah blah blah, lots of boring talky talky, and then he said "Some mammals do the respectable thing and lay down and die when they're finished reproducing and raising their young but what do we do??? We go out to the garage and make bird-houses and shit" That was absolutely hilarious to me and loud cackling commenced. Maybe you had to be there but trust me it was funny. Also, I am composing some other posts in my mind but I think I'm coming down with a cold or something and I'm too lazy to write anything else so with that I will finish this writing business and go wallow in bed and watch tonight's intriguing, Halloween themed, episode of The Singing Bee.

edited to add: holy crap there was a woman on the aforementioned episode of The Singing Bee that is actually employed as a "canine chef" Hell, even I could do that; dogs eat their own crap for goodness sake how good of a cook do you really need to be? (no offense to all the canine chefs out there)

Finally no more dirt in the washing machine

Hoooray the water troubles are over at chez-moi!!! Today we got a fancy new water line installed and it only cost us a million dollars (ok not really) and our entire front yard! The best part of the day was hearing my mom flush and then scream because she got scared by the noise of the air that was still in the line. Happy times, happy times.

p.s. yes the title is true there was such a leak in our water line that we have had actual chunks of dirt clogging up our washing machine forever and the city just now deemed it necessary to fix it, oh how i love them.

Oh hell that p.s. just reminded me of a topic I thought up earlier so I may as well go for it now.
It is called "Things in my house that look disgusting but really aren't":

1) I have a cat who insists upon only drinking water out of my bathroom faucet and if we don't let her she would go on water strike until she died because she is just that stubborn so this means she often sits, sleeps, drinks, and lounges in my bathroom sink (just mine, no one elses mind you) so at any given time there are about three different colors of hair on my beautiful white counter top. This drives me crazy and I wipe it off every time she gets up but I live in fear that someone will walk in there before I've had a chance to clean it and be utterly appalled.

2) The aforementioned chunks of dirt in my washing machine. While quite inconvenient never actually interfered with the cleanliness of my clothes.

3) The stain in the middle of the living room carpet that I try to hide with every piece of furniture we own; I swear it's nothing gross it was just some damn mud that the dog tracked in that absolutely will not come up.

4) The one bowl that is undoubtedly left on my dresser from my midnight snack the night before. Dude I only leave it there till morning (and on rare occasions one or two days) so just chill. On second thought maybe that one actually is a little disgusting.

5)My dog's tattered and hole covered "baby" (which is actually a stuffed cat that an ex gave to me from build-a-bear. Nothing says I don't love you anymore better than letting your massive dog rip the heart out of something an ex made for you but I digress) that has been dragged through and put in places that I don't even want to think about. Hmmmm maybe that one actually is gross too. But we do wash it regularly!

6) The area around my makeup mirror: it looks a hot mess but its really just a bunch of excess makeup that is coated on pretty much everything in that general vicinity (at least I keep it confined)

Wow I can't think of anymore right now but I'm sure I will. Writing this has made me feel like a filthy slob so to make me feel better what are some disgusting things (actually disgusting or could be perceived as disgusting) in your house?

Hilarious things my boyfriend has said to me lately

Now keep in mind that he is from Brazil and his mastery of the English language is a bit shaky at best.

Him(trying to make me mad): "I have a son in Brazil."
Me "What's his name?"
loooong pause
Him: "Uhhh her name is Jefferson?...i messed that up didn't I?"

Me: "Why did you sleep with that girl in Texas?"
Him: "Because she scraped (trying to say raped) me"

Him (about me): "yeah so I told the lady at the condo that you speak very well english"

"if they don't fix this problem for me will you help me punch them because i think you're gonna punch super good because you yell at me all the time"

"whats this word 'sunshine' does it mean something sweet?"

"bugs don't bite me because my blood is super good, i eat garlic and when they come to bite me they run away. You just need to eat brazilian food and stop having bad blood"

"i like you because you're not super fat, just a little bit"

"baby im surprised! you look hot!"

"i said i did because you said i did but i no did" (riiiiiiight)