Feelings of inferiority anyone...anyone....Bueller?

I don't know if I've mentioned here that one of my moms all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior witout your consent" (or something like that) by Eleanor Roosevelt. Well my mom would not be proud because I've been noticing recently that I am pretty much constantly feeling inferior.

As I study for the GRE (which I take on August 23rd, pray for me!) I think, "how does anyone pass this? I must be some kind of idiot because I've been studying for nearly a year and I still don't know half the vocabulary and the math? Just forget about it. I know some real idiots who've gotten their masters degree and they had to take this same test, maybe I'm not as smart and capable as I thought."

As I prepare to graduate from college in December, with Honors no less, I find myself saying "Yeah but I just got into the honors program on a fluke and the real honors students are so smart and organized and prepared. I save everything until the last minute and don't really deserve to be here because I never read the books or spend hours studying like everyone else claims to, the information just sticks".

As I'm walking into work I see a well-dressed, pretty girl walking past me and I automatically shrink back thinking well maybe I'm single because I don't have legs like her, or hair like so-and-so" (yes I think that, no I don't actually believe it...most of the time.)

As I am reading the truly inspiring words of other bloggers out there and listen to them talking about the great blogging community I scroll down and see 10's and 100's of comments and I think "I know my writing sucks and I admittedly don't have much time to put into this whole blogging thing but couldn't someone at least comment every tenth post or something? I want to feel involved, but then when I think about it how often do I comment, or link, or anything of that nature? The answer: RARELY, so that's another big FAIL.

I minimize my accomplishments and feel that all I've achieved is mediocrity. It comes down to the fact that I am such a perfectionist deep-down, that on the surface I choke when I have to do things because I am scared they won't be great enough. I feel that everything I do is sub-standard, even when that is not the case (or so I'm told). I feel that I am inferior for being 22 and still living at home, for not being in any kind of long-term relationship, for watching all my friends lives come together while I'm in school struggling to become an adult. Buy hey, at least I'm fighting back and making something of myself, let's hope it's not just something average.

Great quote from my (sometimes passive) co-worker

"Nicole, I'm learning to be more assertive because the meek may inherit the earth but I just want to survive while I'm here!"

Things you never want to hear in a hospital

My beloved mom has been in the hospital since Monday evening and just got home a few hours ago (not to worry it was a slight intestinal issue and she's fine) and though I only visited her for about an hour yesterday following are a few of the gems that I heard/ heard about while I was there.

My moms new roommate (her third) as she is being wheeled in:
"You know I was feeling really good...until I threw up."

Nurse: "Okay we had to put this lady in your room because her roommate last night didn't sleep at all because she has this thing where she counts to five, out-loud, alll night and day. I'm really sorry."

My moms second roommate to the nurse: "YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD MONITORS ON AND I TOOK THEM OFF JUST TO SEE IF YOU WOULD NOTICE AND YOU DIDN'T, I COULD HAVE BEEN LYING IN HERE DEAD FOR HOURS!" (apparently she has a habit of doing this)

Second roommate again: "I passed out at 11:30 and no one helped me until 2:00" (excuse me lady but if you pass out you don't know what time it was and how long you were lying there and further more my mom witnessed this "fainting" and it was very unbelievable to say the least. Normally when you pass out you just kind of crumple over this woman screamed and then FLUNG herself back onto the bed...and then kept peeking to see if anyone was coming to "help" her LOL

No more free handouts

One of my mom's all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" from Eleanor Roosevelt. I was just talking with a friend and thinking about it and that is so very very true. No one has the power to make you feel bad unless you give it to them. At what point did handing over that power become virtually unconscious and how can I take it back? Then I thought even deeper about how the majority of the world's problems are due to us projecting our insecurities onto others either intentionally or unintentionally. I'll give an example from my life that I have tried to side-step and deny but I know its true and hopefully by acknowledging it I will be able to work at correcting it. The theme of my life, if you will, is being lonely. I am terrified of it and will do almost anything to make sure that it does not happen. Sometimes that involves being a major jackass and latching onto someone only until I find someone better. Please don't judge me I know its wrong and makes me sound like a cold hearted bitch but I'm being honest and doing soul searching here okay? So I will no longer be handing out to people the power to make me feel bad and furthermore I will look deep inside myself and overcome my insecurities so that even if the whole world can't be a better place at least my little corner of it can be.