I don't know if I've mentioned here that one of my moms all time favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior witout your consent" (or something like that) by Eleanor Roosevelt. Well my mom would not be proud because I've been noticing recently that I am pretty much constantly feeling inferior.
As I study for the GRE (which I take on August 23rd, pray for me!) I think, "how does anyone pass this? I must be some kind of idiot because I've been studying for nearly a year and I still don't know half the vocabulary and the math? Just forget about it. I know some real idiots who've gotten their masters degree and they had to take this same test, maybe I'm not as smart and capable as I thought."
As I prepare to graduate from college in December, with Honors no less, I find myself saying "Yeah but I just got into the honors program on a fluke and the
real honors students are so smart and organized and prepared. I save everything until the last minute and don't really deserve to be here because I never read the books or spend hours studying like everyone else claims to, the information just sticks".
As I'm walking into work I see a well-dressed, pretty girl walking past me and I automatically shrink back thinking well maybe I'm single because I don't have legs like her, or hair like so-and-so" (yes I think that, no I don't actually believe it...most of the time.)
As I am reading the truly inspiring words of other bloggers out there and listen to them talking about the great blogging community I scroll down and see 10's and 100's of comments and I think "I know my writing sucks and I admittedly don't have much time to put into this whole blogging thing but couldn't someone at least comment every tenth post or something? I want to feel involved, but then when I think about it how often do I comment, or link, or anything of that nature? The answer: RARELY, so that's another big FAIL.
I minimize my accomplishments and feel that all I've achieved is mediocrity. It comes down to the fact that I am such a perfectionist deep-down, that on the surface I choke when I have to do things because I am scared they won't be great enough. I feel that everything I do is sub-standard, even when that is not the case (or so I'm told). I feel that I am inferior for being 22 and still living at home, for not being in any kind of long-term relationship, for watching all my friends lives come together while I'm in school struggling to become an adult. Buy hey, at least I'm fighting back and making something of myself, let's hope it's not just something average.
Labels: fail, feelings, goals, mommy, quotes, school
