Another heartfelt letter

This morning at 8:00 a.m. one of my dear friends from work was sworn in as an American citizen!!! She was so excited, walking around yesterday talking about how this is that last time we'll see her as a Brazilian because on Monday she'll officially be an American. So Congrats J!!!!!!

Now on to the regularly scheduled post.

Dear server at Bob Evans,

I know this letter is late and that it was a whole 15 days ago already that I had the pleasure of making your acquaintance but you were so thoroughly air-headed that I still feel all of this must be said.

Firstly my dear, on a 90 degree day you do not come take a drink order and then NOT BRING THE DRINKS. The only reason we got them half-way through the meal is because we flagged you down a THIRD TIME and asked for them A THIRD TIME, meanwhile following your movement to the drink machine with the evil eye to ensure follow through.

Next, when I order the turkey dinner with mashed potatoes usually the server would just put the same gravy that is on the meat on the potatoes but not you, oh no no no no. You asked me what kind of gravy I wanted on the potatoes and when I said "the same kind that's on the meat, which is turkey right?" You said, umm yeah but we don't have turkey gravy for potatoes you hafta pick either beef, chicken, or (get this) SAUSAGE GRAVY; as in the thick creamy kind you put over biscuits. I have a few problems with this. Number 1 if you have turkey gravy for the turkey how do you not have it for the potatoes?? Number 2 why would I want beef and turkey gravy or even turkey and chicken gravy together on the same plate? And number 3, and this is the biggy, why the hell would I want creamy sausage gravy on my potatoes???? However, dear internets, I did not mention any of that as we were a bit rushed and instead just said "umm okay I'll take the chicken gravy?".

And lastly, when you finally do bring us the appropriately gravied (is that even a word?) food and the beverages do not disappear not to be seen again with our bill for ten million years.

Thanks,

Nicole

Dear attendees of last Thursdays John Mayer concert,

As my cousin so adequately stated you are "real class acts", especially you barefoot woman in line to buy alcohol when you're already holding another glass of it in your hand and talking about how you always get messed up at concerts and then when the lady goes to hand you your huge beer that you asked 10 million questions about and held us all up for 20 minutes you suddenly decide you don't want it anymore and you simply WALK AWAY. You stumbled off into the sunset, bare feet stomping through puddles of sludge containing God only knows what. You are an ass, put on shoes and get a life.

Middle-aged lady two rows in front of me who is dragging her 10 year old son down with her, you are a fanatic. Newsflash people don't bring binoculars to these kinds of concerts and also, no one actually cries when John Mayer takes the stage. He's not Elvis or Frank Sinatra, he's just a chill guy singing some songs, yes his music is great and he is cute but for the love of all that is good stop crying and bobbing around in that weird way, I missed an entire song cause I was staring at you and laughing (and perhaps even taking a video clip to laugh at later).

Middle-aged couple directly in front of us, all I can say to you is PLEASE STOP GRINDING ON EACH OTHER, not only is this music not conducive to grinding but also it is thoroughly grossing me out.

Guy sitting next to me, when John Mayer comes out to do an encore please don't lean to my cousin and I and explain that you have to leave because you have to pick up your six year old. I don't care why you are leaving or even that you are leaving for that matter, just walk out and leave me alone. P.S. That's why I don't have kids right now; so I don't have to leave stuff to pick them up and feel obligated to explain myself to everyone within a five mile radius.

And finally oooold couple who stopped your car in the middle of the parking lot during the traffic jam to make out and pleasure one another EWWWWWW I think I got herpes just watching you, kindly get a room.

I would appreciate it greatly if all of you would heed my words and preferably never ever go out in public again kthxbai!

Coming soon-a letter to our airhead of a waitress at Bob Evans before the concert.

Loser at life: 22 years and counting

Gahhh I use this blog to vent more than anything, sorry you all have to experience my mood swings and read about my weirdness but here you go.

So I just started taking birth control two months ago and my dr. prescribed Loestrin 24FE (shout out to Loestrin!!! sorry u suck). The first month there was a bit of spotting in the middle of the month which, hey, its normal for the first month. This month I did not stop bleeding THE WHOLE MONTH (haaa I typed it "munth" at first) until, until I got to the f'ing placebo pills. This is not just "spotting" either it is like crampy, fills a-pad-a-day, bleeding. Sorry if that was TMI, I'm not real good at filtering myself. Anyways yesterday I looked up some info on the pill and it seems that a great many of the people who have been prescribed this had the same problem and say that their cycle never got regulated and eventually they switched. I'm thinking that that sounds pretty good right about now because I feel constantly bloated, my boobs have been non-stop sore, and I have been having some major mood swings ever since I started it. All this to say that all of the above symptoms require a call to the doctor's office. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to make phone calls to offices or anyone I don't know for that matter. I panic and get really self conscious so eventhough I'm bleeding my guts out (okay maybe thats a bit of an exaggeration) I'm hesitant to call the office. Okaaaay "hesitant" doesn't quite describe it-I'm a neurotic basket-case. I have this anxiety and I feel like every freaking task in the whole wide world is insurmountable because I have not yet called my Dr's office. So what do neurotic people with anxiety disorders do when they have to call the Dr.'s office????? They call their motherfucking MOM and have her write a motherfucking SCRIPT of what exactly to say. That is correct I drove my dear, dear, mother so crazy with the constant questioning about "well what do I say when I call" that eventually when I (not even close to) jokingly asked her to type me a script she did. Like a script for a play with the person who answers and what they say and then what I should say. I AM OFFICIALLY AN ABSOLUTE LOSER. That was last week and I finally ended up calling yesterday when I had one pill left (I might have hung up a few times before I actually followed through) and the lady was soooo wonderfully nice that I want to call her everyday just to chat. It was so simple: I called, she took notes, she got the Dr. to change my prescription and give me 3 months worth of samples and BOW! I was done. All of this disgusting blood and birth control talk just to ask: Whyyyyy must I suck so hard at life?????

p.s. thanks to Kate at Sort of grown up for the props in this post.

Patience is a virtue, or so they say

I have a buttload of free time at work today so instead of doing my homework or something else that might save me time later I've been sitting here for the past three and a half hours surfing the great internet and thinking. Baaaaaaad idea. BIG.FAT.BAD.IDEA

You see, I'm the kind of person who cannot have too much down time or I start to think too much and then the crayzeeness-it comes. I have ended yet another pointless, going nowhere relationship and truthfully, I'm okay with that, that's not what I'm all whiney and contemplative about. What I am "all whiney and contemplative" about however is why there is soooo much freakin emphasis put on relationships. I mean for crying out loud I am still young, just barely 22 and I feel like an old maid because all of my peers are getting married, buying houses, and having children. I can barely take care of my car and it's demands let alone sustain an intimate relationship with someone else, pay a mortgage, and take responsibility for a whole nother life. And while I know that I am making the right choice for myself by waiting for these things and focusing on school and a future career it does not change the fact that my greatest dream in life is to be a mother and a wife (eww I just gagged on that one a bit because I hate it when people say shit like that). I just want that one special person that I can settle down and share everything and build a life with but guess what???? I'm not ready for that yet and I feel like a fool even whining about it because I know I'm not ready yet.

So what, you may ask, is the problem??? Well it all boils down to this, while I know I personally am not ready for all of that yet I'm scared that by the time I am ready I will have missed my chance. But then I feel stupid even typing that because I am still so young. Oh it's a double edged sword this young adulthood thing is. For fucks sake I just wish my attitude would be consistent because some days I'm all "Hell yeah I'm single and young and unattached and this is how it's supposed to be for a while, live it up and enjoy it!!!" and other times it's like "Why don't I have a house with a picket fence and a husband and 2.2 kids and a golden retriever to go home to? I'm a failure at life!" And my personal answer as to why I do not have the latter is because I am not ready and furthermore I will not settle for someone I semi-like, I will wait for the "one" the one who takes my breath away and is all that I know I deserve. So cheers to all the girls who are waiting for what you want and deserve (whatever that may be)!!!!

Class of 2004: redifining pathetic

I'm about 45 minutes away from going to my first class of the spring semester, after that vacation is officially over :( bummer. Right now I'm at work not working but instead looking up people I graduated with on Myspace. The people I graduated with make me cringe. They have no goals other than getting drunk, smoking pot, and (for the girls) finding men to knock them up. Where is the ambition? Why don't these people want anything for themselves? I mean seriously for some of them the crowning achievement of their life would be getting on disability so they don't have to work. It is sad, there are so few of us who are making anything out of ourselves. Now I'll step down off my soapbox and get to class. Also, I cringe to think about how these people will look at our 10 year reunion.

Just call me coffee messer upper

So as I've mentioned before I am gainfully employed as a student assistant in our library on campus (in the Dean's Office nonetheless, you should be in awe). I sit at a receptionists desk while the assistants and others in the office go out to lunch and just basically do light clerical duties and answer the phone if not when it rings. Anyways it's great because I have plenty of time to catch up on "studying" and by studying I really mean surfing the internet, blogging, checking myspace, clipping my nails etc. Everyone in the office is awesome and I get to be by myself with no other pesky students (Loooove it).

So now you're probably wondering where the hell you can sign up for a job such as this; sorry you can't because its MINE!!!! Anyways it's a great job but there is one thing that grates on my nerves at times. (Come on you knew there had to be one, no job is perfect) One of the upper staff members in our office who is very nice and loud and rambunctious like myself can be quite a bitch and disguise it (or sometimes not even try to disguise it) as a joke. For example I am the one she always asks to make coffee which is fine, cute even. We get to have daily interactions like "Hey Nicole you know what would make my meeting more bearable this afternoon??? Get brewin!" Oh you know, the low woman on the totem pole always makes the coffee cliche, great, got it. A couple weeks ago she walks in the office with a colleague and loudly announces "NICOLE I GOT YOU A PRESENT ITS IN THE COFFEE CAN, IT'S A NEW SCOOP" then she turns to the colleague and explains that I'm the one who makes the coffee (as if they couldn't have guessed). The colleague just chuckled and rolled her eyes.

Anyways fast forward to today she bellows in front of my coworker (whom I will call "coworker" for purposes of this blog) and I "NICOLE CAN YOU MAKE SOME FRESH COFFEE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT *COWORKER* SAYS USE FOUR ROUNDED SCOOPS" and then as if coworker had but up a fight she added "I'M THE ONE REQUESTING THE COFFEE SO I GET IT MY WAY!" Umm okay, right boss. So I make the stupid and insanely strong coffee and I think it's done but nooooo. I have been working here in excess of two years now and never once have I messed up the coffee but today I forgot to turn the burner on so that the coffee would stay warm after it was brewed. How did I realize I made such a mistake???? Simple I hear the bellower bellowing to a colleague "NICOLE MADE THE COFFEE BUT THE DO-DO DIDN'T TURN THE BURNER ON" and then again two minutes later to someone else who asked her if there was fresh coffee "YES BUT IT'S NOT VERY HOT" Dude I get it, I made a small mistake how about we stop being so passive aggressive and if you must mention it, mention it directly to me and then shut the fuck up and put your cup of coffee in the microwave (right next to the coffee pot) for 10 seconds, I mean it had just finished brewing how cold could it have gotten in the couple minutes it had been sitting there?

Again, I love my job but cripe is all that bellowing really necessary??? I think not.

Are your nickles beautiful?

Ok I'm gonna say how much school sucks for just a couple seconds and then I'll stop being all "woe is me" about my life. Dude, the fourth year of college, it is hard. There is much studying and learning of obscure facts that don't have much to do with my future career at all. And here I sit at work with nothing to do and instead of catching up on some of said studying here I am writing a blog entry hahaha That's me redefining procrastination on a daily basis! That should be the slogan for my life.
Anyways everything else is good, the doggies are adorable as usual and there's not much else to report. Oh wait I do have one funny tidbit to report I was talking to the bf the other day and he wasn't wearing a shirt and I looked down and said "Wow I never noticed it before but your nipples are really small" he thought about it for a minute and said "Do you think my nickles (nipples) are beautiful?" LOL

Water Guy, Revisited

Okay in this post I was relatively nice to you but now it's just getting old. So all I have to say is FUCK YOU Mr. Water Guy, doing water related repairs and then yelling on a bullhorn about things that have absolutely nothing to do with said repairs. I realize that it is 10 o'clock in the morning and you think the whole world should be awake but I, I am a college student therefore I am not! And let me just ask one more question does it really take you months to repair a leak in the pipe or are you just doing it out of spite???? I'm going with the latter until you prove to me otherwise (chocolates and ice cream and free soundproofing of my room would be a very good step in that direction).

The vest...I mean best...fashion advice I can give

It happened, I saw someone my age wearing a vest. A VEST! That is just a trend that should never be resurrected. Hell, if we're gonna wear vests now why don't we just break out the neon spandex pants and pair them with knee length sweaters too! I've said it before and I'll say it again: no one, but no one, should wear a vest (unless it's part of a work uniform, in which case you should seriously consider a new job)

Why even pursue a degree if I know I'll eventually revert to not being able to do something as simple as fill out a timecard?

Why oh why why why why why is it so hard for otherwise intelligent people to fill out time cards???? You see I work in an office at a library and we're kinda old school. We still fill out our time cards by hand, you know the ones where you write in the numbers and fill in the bubbles etcetera etcetera. And I, being the lucky girl that I am, get to check all these time cards on a bi-weekly basis....with my eyes, and correct them....with my hand and a pencil. What these people don't understand is that a computer (which eventually processes the time cards after being repeatedly reviewed by me)cannot generalize. A machine cannot interpret what you meant to write versus what you actually wrote nor can it finish filling in the bubbles for you if you "just get it started". These people have advanced degrees and they cannot write a few numbers and fill in the corresponding bubbles completely. It's a sad day folks. A sad and annoying day.

p.s. Do you ever write a whole post that is awesome and completely embodies all things good in the world and then you accidentally delete it and write a new one and publish it and then keep editing it because you want it to be the exact wording of the previous one except in the back of your mind you know the first one was a masterpiece and nothing will ever, I repeat ever, be the same again???? Not that I did that with this post or anything. I'm just sayin.

On the verge of finals week

Am fucking swamped with school shit!
Hate it.
Wish I could learn without all the deadlines and mandatory shit.
Shouldn't procrastinate.
Oh well, can't teach an old dog new tricks

One in a long list of things that annoy me

You know what pisses me off??? Well there are an innumerable amount of things but let me narrow it down to the one that pissed me off today. It pisses me off when you're standing in line at the place that rhymes with Cubway and you think you're only in line behind 3 people and then someone faxes in an order for 10 subs and you're stuck waiting for them to make 13 freakin subs!!!!

If people can't cut me in line I sure as hell don't think a piece of paper should have the power to do so but then again I could punch a person whereas a piece of paper....not so much.

The only thing of value in this post is the quote.

Okay today is one of "those" days. The ones where you just wanna crawl in a cave in hibernate. I'm so sad and so angry all at once and everything is on my nerves. You know what I mean? It's not really too different from other days but for some reason everything and everyone either totally pisses you off or finds some way to make you want to cry. Ahhh life is complicated but it's better than the alternative. Anyways it helps me if I vent about all my frustrations so here's a list (and if I'm complaining about someone, its not personal. I'm an equal opportunity bitcher :) )

1) The people who built this building for putting only one freaking internet port thingy in a room made for two people.

2) My roomate for using said port thingy because I have a laptop and I can just use wireless.

3) My damn wireless for flickering on and off all day and most of the night, thus forcing me to either strategically locate myself in a certain corner of the room when trying to be online or get online between the hours of 3 and 10 am which are usually the only times I can get a decent signal and just so happen to coincide perfectly with the hours I usually sleep.

4) My mother for sending me an email about illegal alien deportation and children getting ripped away from their parents (I cried for awhile over that one).

5) My boyfriend for being so damn loveable but so freakin "untraditional"

6) People for being so ridiculously ignorant, selfish, greedy, and stupid sometimes.

7) I'm just frustrated with complications and difficulties in general and i'm too tired and bored with my own thoughts to go on any further so that's all for now.

p.s. My moms quote of the day
"Did you know that they genetically proved that all humans originated from Africa. Ha, that means even grandpa has a little bro in him! And Nicole, do NOT write that down!" Do I or do I not have the most adorable mother ever???? You should be very jealous :)