The entry in which the parenthesis usage got out of control

Did I really make a promise to write everyday??? Come on it's me, like that will happen. So I will amend what I said to sound something like: whenever I have a lesson to share but still more often than if I were just posting long rambling entries about nothing in particular. Got it??? Good.

On to today's business, I'm debating whether to drive down and see the ex's fam. We've been talking and I miss them all like crazy but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I mean clearly I'll see him if I go unless he gets called to work and to be truthful I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. He's so off the wall, one day he calls begging me to come back to him (and last week I actually got a semi-marriage proposal if you call "My family loves you we have to get married someday" a proposal lol and followed shortly thereafter (after he was rejected of course) by asking me to give him a baby). But the thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean any of that, he's dating some hussy from North Carolina so it's all good. And I have no feelings for him anymore so I'm not worried about anything happening. It's just that I am a very sentimental person and I don't know if I can make that same drive, and see those same faces, and do all of those same things knowing that last time I was there and every time before that we were together (that place is synonyous with "us") and even worse that this may be the last time I see all of them (b/c honestly how often have I driven there in the last 4 months). I have to go sooner or later so now seems as good a time as any but I don't know, we'll see. Oh and clearly I will not be staying at his bug-infested apartment (lol) I'll be staying with his aunt that lives nearby and her daughter; my angel-girl that I referenced in this post. So I'll be back with details of either how it went or why I decided not to go and perhaps pictures of my Brazilian babies. Wish me luck!

Oh and I guess my lesson from all of this could be: Don't be so over-run by emotions from the past that you miss out on having fun in the present. Or if things go terribly: Sometimes there's a reason you broke up, now stay away dumb bitch.

If you want to sing out, sing out: a life lesson brought to you by Cat Stevens

I know, I know, I'm an asshole, I didn't post my lesson for yesterday so I will do it now and then I have an awesome, thought provoking piece to write later because basically; that's how I roll. (Insert long pause here while I re-play yesterday in my head and try to scrounge up some life affirming lesson that should have been taken away)......Hmmmm, ummmmm ok, still nothing, oh ok I got one. Don't be afraid to be out of your comfort zone but conversely, don't feel the need to be someone you're not just to seem "well-adjusted". This stems from the fact that due to my only child status I like a lot of alone time. I am the girl sitting across the room eating lunch with a paperback. Though I enjoy this time I am also worried that others think I'm a loser for often being alone and sometimes I'm alone even when I don't want to be which makes me feel like even more of a loser. So basically what I'm trying to say here is just do what you want to do and what makes you happy and screw everyone else but also strive to get out of your comfort zone every once in awhile just for personal growth reasons.

And in the words of Cat Stevens:

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
You see ah ah ah
Its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know

Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
cause theres a million ways to go
You know that there are

And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
cause theres a million things to do
You know that there are


Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
cause theres a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are

Blah,Blah,Blah, (Like the teacher in Peanuts)

This weekend was a big blur of getting ready for vacation and having creepy guys from e-harmony instant message me. Seriously, what is it about guys that makes them unable to keep their yaps shut about their penises for more than 30 minutes??? I don't even know these people, talk about freakin desperate (them not me). Anyways, leavin for vacation on Thursday, goin to Selena's for a few days then leaving for NC. Whoohooo a week of relaxing in the sun with my best friend and nothing to worry about except what to eat for dinner and when to reapply sunblock, that is how life is supposed to be :) Well I really want to write but I have nothing of substance to say so I'll do us all a favor and just shut up. Tchau!

p.s. Mom quote:

ME: So Mom, how was the new ACME?
HER: (long pause, thinking about it) It was like nothing was where anything ever was at any store I've ever been to...ever.

Well that cleared that right up, glad I asked.

Now here's something you don't hear everyday

Who knew that my bra-less cleavage is the exact size of a baby starling? Well it is. Do you wanna know how in the hell I know this??? Okay I'll tell you, my mom found a baby starling in the middle of a busy road and brought it home because we live near a park where we can release it when it learns how to fly. Fast forward to a few hours after she brought it home and it was chiiiiiiirping and chiiiiirping and we all know that a chirping bird needs someplace cozy to go to sleep (actually we don't but when I don't know something I make shit up) and all I had available at the time was my shirt so in he went. He shut up right away and went to sleep for 2 whole hours! It was like a baby sling, I had on a workout top with a built in bra so he just sat in there while I walked around and went about my business. After a while his cute little mouth started to twitch while he slept, his beak resting on my left breast. It was precious and all but I'm glad we found a little nest type deal that he also likes to sleep in because I can sleep through a lot of things but I don't think a bird down my shirt is one of them.

Oh and by the way, yes I took pictures (come on now, how often do you have a bird nesting in your cleavage????) and no I will not post them on here because this is just not that kind of site.

"Whoops" and other sad news

I don't want to write it because if I write it it's true but then again I guess not writing about it isn't helping matters either so whatever, me and the b.f. broke up. Its been oh about 2 weeks now but its just starting to really sink in. We both agreed on it, he's too busy with work and I need someone who can be there for me but that does not change the fact that he is adorable and one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I guess I knew there was no real future for us but I wanted to believe that we were special and that it would work out for us......basically I'm real big on denial apparently. So we parted ways but the thing that rips my heart apart each and every day is that we still talk, I still listen to his adorable mispronunciations and smile and he is still one of the sweetest guys in the world. Deep down I know it's over but I don't do well with change I mean hell I got a new credit card last week where I get money back when I buy stuff and I got a little sad because that meant I wouldn't need to use old faithful (my first credit card, that I have used since I was 17...tear) So you see I'm basically an emotional basket case and this is the only place I can admit that I really truly hurt, in my heart, but I know that I will be okay, just like my now ex told me last night "trust me nicole I know you will find a guy that is so much better than me" Well I don't know about better but just different and perhaps a better match. And now because I don't want to feel sad anymore I will post a funny story I told several months ago in a blog on myspace about me and my idiocy and my very loving and forgiving ex-boyfriend. It is ever-so-appropriately entitled "whoops"


They say love means never having to say you're sorry but if you have, in the span of one and a half days, ripped a bracket off a window while trying to hang Christmas lights thus causing the miniblinds (which don't even belong to your boyfriend) to fall, then while making him move them you distract him so that he turns knocking his roomates speaker off his desk and breaking the front off (all the while I'm laughing uncontrollably and not even trying to help), and finally set his oven on fire at the beginning of the Ohio State Game causing the majority of the first half to be spent a)putting out the fire and b) chiseling plastic off the oven racks, then i would say that this quote is a load of crap and encourage you to swallow your pride and apologize repeatedly for the next month.

And now for a hilarious quote

"Nicole! Tell me you didn't see that big piece of beef! Your head is not normal." (The b.f. said this to me when i spazed out cause i thought i broke his freezer door on top of eveything mentioned above so i yelled at him to come look at it, insisting that I didn't break it when if fact the true problem, as you may have guessed from the above quote, was a hunk of beef blocking the door from closing; he kindly pushed it aside and then stared at me like i was an absolute nutcase and i can't say i blame him)

Summer resolutions

So it's been an insane week what with the finals, and the moving out of my dorm, and the getting assigned a paper on the day of a final (due by the end of the week) and the scare of having my diabetic cat go into a coma and be minutes away from death and all I'm pretty tired and ready for some sun and relaxation (the cat-tigger-is fine now thanks to the wonderful staff at our vet's office)

Anyways I'm turning over a new leaf (well I am attempting to anyways). This summer instead of laying around every waking hour that I'm not at work and doing nothing I will be active. I'm gonna go check out Curves with a friend and try and workout everyday, I'm going to go to work,I'm going to get going on my Senior Honors Project, I'm going to get up early and get errands done instead of waiting until the last possible minute and then freaking out, I'm going to study for the GRE, I'm going to read lots of books, and most importantly I will do all of this while keeping up with my insane television watching habits (luckily for me most of the shows will be re-runs during the summer although I cannot wait for Hell's Kitchen!!!) Oh yeah, and I'm taking a summer class so I'll be doing homework and crap. My goal is to keep myself busy because when I am bored bad things happen....baaaad things* I dunno some people make new years resolutions I guess I always seem to make summer resolutions. They usually go so well and then the fall comes and I lose it. Whatever, at least I'll be on track for four months out of the year (an entire 1/3!!!)

*the list of baaaad things includes but is not limited to: me feeling sorry for myself, me feeling lonely, me taking on insane cleaning projects, me staying in bed for an entire two days only getting up to pee, me eating more than is humanly possibly, and just the general feeling that I am a loser who has no place in society.

Aspirations

Ok so as I was signing on to blogger today the "blogs of note" caught my eye. My God those blogs are amazing. That's what I want to be. I want to have an original and beautiful, abstract, and unique blog. I don't want to be so mundane, I long to stand out, but I simply don't have the time or the talent just yet. So bear with me on my journey to become amazing and influential. Until then we'll stick with boring and average because I'd rather write something than nothing at all :)

On the verge of finals week

Am fucking swamped with school shit!
Hate it.
Wish I could learn without all the deadlines and mandatory shit.
Shouldn't procrastinate.
Oh well, can't teach an old dog new tricks

Nicole, the fraudulent writer

As I sit here trying to write the last 8 pages of my 10 page paper that is due TOMORROW I have come to the realization that I absolutely adore writing...but only on my terms. Give me a topic and a deadline and writers block takes up residence in my brain. I am constantly feeling like my words are all wrong and I'm not portraying what I wish I could be portraying. Basically, what it amounts to is that I'm an only child and therefore a perfectionist and I am so scared of failure that I will wait till the last minute to do an assignment because I don't want time to re-read or re-think it. Thus far the strategy has worked and I usually get great grades on anything that involves writing because though I may be a perfectionist I am also the Queen of b.s.-ing my way through stuff. But I'm worried that one day my luck will run out and the entire academic community will realize that I am nothing but a fraud and they will take back all the good grades they ever gave me. Yeah I know just shut up and write the freakin paper, if only it were that easy.

I am so stupid

So me and my mom were riding in the car today and she was talking about going to the card store, and would I go to the card store with her?, and on and on with the card store talk so I agreed to go with her. I asked her what card store we were going to and since we already had to get a prescription why didn't we just get a card at CVS? To which she replied "No I want to go to "that card store"

Riiiight, of course that card store

Me: Which one?

Mom: You know that one next to where we used to go grocery shopping, the one by the Chinese store?

Me: We don't have a Chinese store anywhere in Akron what the hell are you talking about?

Mom: BITE MY ASS NICOLE!

Me: Are you talking about Hallmark???

Mom: YES!!!

Me: God!, why didn't you just say the Hallmark next to Tops and the Chinese restaurant?

Mom: Don't be stupid you knew what I meant

Unfortuneately for me I really thought she was talking about some damn little Chinese store and so I started visualizing what exactly a Chinese store would sell and then explaining it to my mom (As in "noooo mom if it were a store it would have....")and here are some of the gems I came up with:

1)Specialty chopsticks
2)Imported rice
3)Kimono's
4)Those Chinese dragon costumes that they use at festivals and such
5)Paper lanterns

And thats as far as I got because, and please don't ask me why,at that moment no funnier words had ever been uttered in the English language than paper lanterns and specialty chopsticks.

I need to be more secure in my relationships

My absolute best friend S. and I have never really had a fight. It's easy for us because she lives in Virginia and I live here so when we're together we don't have time to annoy each other and/or fight. My ex-friend (refered to before on this blog as X) once told me I was a cop-out because it's much easier to have good friendships with people that you hardly ever see and that really pissed me off but what if thats true????

Tonight S. called me and we were talking and all of a sudden she got all X on my ass and right in the middle of the convo said "I'm done talking bye" and hung up. I am devastated because a)it's very rude b)we've never had a fight before and c) i hate having anyone mad at me d) it brings back terrible memories of X and e) I have no idea what happened to make her say that. A simple action like that just demonstrates complete disregard for someone else and it really hurts me.

It's times like these that I know why I only have a few close friends, it hurts me too much have people mad at me or to have them talk about me so I only get close to a few people and the others can say what they want but I try not to care. For that reason I need my close friends to be loyal and not induce petty fights/arguments so here's hoping this is the last and only disagreement between us (even though I have no idea what it's about at this point) and if it's not I might need to consider becoming a hermit.

On Obituaries

I'm noticing a definite theme here. Today, for the third time in my life, I have been asked to write my own obituary. I know I don't always look my best but does everyone think I look like I'm dying?

Maybe I'm over-reacting because this was assigned to the whole class (on all three occasions, the first dating back to my Sunday School days.) But goodness, I don't want to think about dying. Maybe someday I'll be comfortable with death, specifically my own, but right now I just have too much life left to live and too many things to accomplish and too much to prove to myself. So I may be about to write my own imaginary obituary but I am far from dying.

Perfect example of why I should never be allowed to write on the weekend

Well I've had a very busy weekend, for once it didnt consist solely of sleeping all day and clearing out my DVR all night. Friday night I went out to dinner with the family then we saw an acrobatic show (grandpa really wanted to go), saturday we had a wedding shower followed by dinner and then we went to the theatre to see RENT. It was absolutely awesome, I loved it! Then today was just a bunch of chores and taking Maggie to the dog park and having the neighbor over for dinner but I digress.

What I really want to say is this: Have you ever noticed how much bridal showers and/or weddings make you analyze your current relationship? Holy crap! I was just sitting there semi-watching the bride-to-be open upwards of 12 million appliances when I noticed a book being passed around. When said book got to me I saw that it was nothing more than a dusty old hardback and thought to myself: Why in the name of Bob are they passing this around. I flipped it open and just saw yellowing pages so I flipped through it a bit more and thats when i saw it. Somewhere in the middle of the book the groom-to-be (my cousin) had typed up a story about his relationship with his girlfriend (now fiance) it went on for several pages highlighting the ups and downs of their relationship and finished with a list of about 50 things that he loves about her, then it told her to flip the page and there was written a marriage proposal along with a place for a ring box that he had cut out of the book and lined with fabric. OH MY GOSH COULD IT GET ANY SWEETER THAN THAT?????

I was so touched (though somewhat jealous lol) that I didn't even mention the several grammatical and spelling errors I had noticed throughout the sacred document. Am I or am I not the most supportive cousin in the world?

But bottom line I started to think about my relationship and where it was going and would he ever be able to give me half of that proposal if we got to that point, and what if he did and I wasn't ready and blah blah blah on and on for the next 2 hours of the shower. It sucks I don't wanna analyze relationships and actions. I much prefer to just go with the flow and see what happens but here's hoping I choose the right man to spend forever with because I've had my fair share of losers and furthermore here's assuming that there's a "Mr. Right" even out there.


P.S.
Excerpt from a conversation between me and my mom (who is home from vacation thank God!)

Setting: At a table by the bathroom in some restaurant.

Me: "Mom, at what age do you think parents should stop bringing opposite sex childen into the restroom with them?"

Mom: "I have no idea"

Me: "Well it's more common to see little boys in the womens room than it is to see little girls in the mens room I would imagine."

Mom: "Nicole I have never seen a little girl in the mens room.......

Me: I give her a strange look

Mom: hysterical laughter ensues because she realizes that she has never been in a men's room

We Mourn

There are a million different things that I could write about but somehow writing about going out to dinner, or how long it took me to finish a paper, or how cute my dogs are etc. seems ridiculous when so many people are going through such a horrible time.

I have realized that in times of crisis we are constantly looking at others to decide how to react. If something is not broadcast day in and day out on the news we are not as likely to react, plain and simple; along the same lines if no one else makes a big deal we tend not to. Regardless of these facts, however, I do not need to look to anyone or anything else to know that I am grieving for those at Virginia Tech. I'm ashamed to say this but somehow, because my best friend goes there and I have the very real knowledge that it could have been her I feel even more of a connection to the tragedy. I've cried about the massacre a fair amount and I have done so because I cannot believe this could happen, I cannot believe a human being could be so heartless, cold, and calculating and then have the nerve to blame it on the victims of his rage. It is all well beyond my realm of understanding. I have also cried because of the thought that these people were merely sitting in class, bettering themselves, and preparing for the future and in a couple minutes their future disappeared. I picture myself in that situation, and imagine the absolute terror that would run through my body and I honestly cannot fathom it, I cannot imagine knowing that my life might end in a few minutes when seconds ago I was dreaming of the future. I cannot believe that a man has the power to take away 32 lives and all that they might have brought to this world had they been able to live. But most of all I cannot imagine any of it because it makes no sense. No motive, no yelling, no negotiating, just a man calmly walking into a building and destroying countless lives. I could go on and on but I'll never accurately portray my feelings so suffice it to say I mourn, correction WE mourn for all that the victims were and could have been, for parents who will never get to hug their children again, for lives that were destroyed because of one man's problems.

And when life returns to "normal" for us may we not forget to remember this event and furthermore never allow it to stop reminding us how fragile life is.

One in a long list of things that annoy me

You know what pisses me off??? Well there are an innumerable amount of things but let me narrow it down to the one that pissed me off today. It pisses me off when you're standing in line at the place that rhymes with Cubway and you think you're only in line behind 3 people and then someone faxes in an order for 10 subs and you're stuck waiting for them to make 13 freakin subs!!!!

If people can't cut me in line I sure as hell don't think a piece of paper should have the power to do so but then again I could punch a person whereas a piece of paper....not so much.

How good of a citizen is your canine?

My dog Maggie, you know one of the two adorable dogs featured regularly on this page, is in doggie school. She did obedience last year and sorta passed and now she is just doing a class called something like "good citizen canine". Basically she just learns how to not rip your arm out of its socket when you go for a walk and how to not pummel people when they visit.

My mom has been taking her for about 5 weeks now and last Thursday I went to watch and may I just say my dog was not the best dog there but she was the absolute cutest. She would be laying on the floor while the instructor was talking about the next exercise and she would look at me across the room and I would mouth the words "I Love You" (which she probably thought meant "I'll buy you filet mignon after this class is over because you are just that good") and she would wag her tail, subtly, so as not to disturb others because that is just how good of a citizen my canine is.

Could you out-run an apple?

Usually my job is boring and today was no exception except for a period of a few seconds while I was making some copies. I was copying some huge packets so I had plenty of time to stare out the window while the copier did it's thing. As I was standing there I noticed this tall, stringy, guy walking down a ramp and carrying his lunch. You can see where this is going right???? Downhill....carrying food.....

Anyways an apple fell off the top of his carryout box and started rolling which struck me as quite funny in and of itself but the thing that brought tears to my eyes was seeing him CHASE the apple. There he was running downhill, plowing through groups of people chasing a piece of fruit. About 5 seconds into the chase you could see a light bulb flicker on inside his head as he realized how ridiculous he was being and he stopped cold and he was all like Apple???? What apple??? I had no apple and I most certainly did not CHASE an apple, are you kidding me?????

That was it, I was doubled over laughing. There's just something about seeing a grown man chase a piece of fruit and then deny it in the hopes of self preservation that will get you every time.

Have you ever flushed the toilet on yourself while you were in the shower? No? Well then you're smarter than me!

No you did not read that incorrectly I did in fact flush the toilet on myself while I was showering. You may be wondering how that is possible; well in an ongoing attempt to humiliate myself more and more each day by confessing what an idiot I am to the entire Internet, allow me to explain.

I like to start the shower before I get in so the water is all adjusted and I can just jump in and not worry about it, the other day was no exception so there I was starting the shower. Once I heard the water I needed to pee so I did and then......you guessed it I flushed the toilet and jumped into the shower without even thinking. Seeings how my moms house is ancient and was built in roughly 49 BC flushing the toilet the same day you want to shower is a bad idea let alone the same minute. Lots of cursing and yelling ensued from me and much laughter from Maggie who came in to see what all the noise was; even a German Shepherd is smart enough to mock my stupidity.

Sometimes not being able to remember is the best possible thing

"Do you know I can't remember the last time we kissed. Cause you never think the last time is the last time. You think there'll be more. You think you have forever but you don't." -Meredith (Grey's Anatomy)

You know what I think? I think it's supposed to be that way, I think it protects us from the intense and raw pain that we would feel if we knew we were doing something or being with someone for the last time. It is better that we experience moments how they are supposed to be experienced rather than having the knowledge that something is ending because then we try too hard; we over-think things and we're so focused on trying to remember how things feel right in this moment that we can't actually just experience it. I think this affords us a certain amount of peace and most certainly in my case saves me from myself.

Feels like the very first time

Let me just begin this post by saying that I hope to God neither of my parents have or ever will find this post. Ok now that that has been said let me continue.

Everyone makes it seem like "the first time" aka losing your virginity is some wonderful, awe-inspiring experience that is hot and animalistic but romantic and passionate all at the same time; an act that when completed yields fireworks and seals a bond of unimaginable, ever-lasting love. In my humble opinion, that's a crock of crap.

I'll spare you the gruesome details but lets just say my first attempt at having sex resulted in stopping halfway through because it was so freakin painful and when I finally did go through with it it consisted of me squeezing my eyes shut and screaming inside my head "IT CAN'T HURT FOREVER, IT WILL GET BETTER, JUST GET THIS OVER WITH" Not the most positive of results I know but luckily for me the guy only lasted about 30 seconds and while it was great in the sense that it was nice to be close to someone that I loved and had been in a relationship with for quite a while this does not change the fact that it was one of the least satisfying and most awkward situations physically speaking.

All of that disgusting detail to say that today I had my second least satisfying experience. It was an absolute disaster. Let me just say that I hate condoms for many reasons that I will not get into here (mostly just personal reasons such as the idea that upon completion of sex the guy has a big, disgusting smelling, sack of seamen hanging from his penis etc.) but unfortunately for me my birth control prescription won't be in until next week and the doctor was being an ass so it was my only option. Anyways, whatever, you can do anything if you're passionate right?
Well I was passionate last night, I was passionate this morning but when he wanted it again this afternoon...not feeling so much passion.

Add to this the fact that the b.f. had some kind of big ass canker sore in his mouth so I refused to even kiss him, and the fact that oh my gosh I was just so disgusted by the whole idea of him thrusting some latex covered slithery member at me and one could say it was a recipe for disaster.

I won't describe it but lets just say that by the time we actually did anything he was done in 5 seconds. That's right one, two, three, four, five and bing bang boom FINISHED! I didn't even have time to blink let alone notice he had even done anything. Not to mention we had to stop halfway through for "adjustment issues"

It was one of those times when you are laying there and you realize what a truly weird act sex is; like it's just God's big colossal joke. That, and also just how much your body could be improved.

I cannot accurately portray in words just how awkward it truly was therefore I will not even attempt it; but suffice it to say that it took me back to that first time. Ahh the memories, may I never have to relive them again!

p.s. I totally don't blame the b.f. for this and he is usually pretty good