A lifetime of lessons

Yeah so it's been awhile since my last post, sorry about that. I can't say I've been extraordinarily busy or anything, just lazy and procrastinating as per my usual. I was thinking today about how sometimes I want to write but I don't really know what to write or I have too much to write so I just don't. Then I had a great idea, since I am always learning little lessons from others I decided that I will write a "lesson of the day" each day even if I don't post an actual "post". Great idea right???? That way I'll be able to remember the lessons others teach me instead of thinking briefly about them and then filing them away. Sometimes I may just write the lessons, sometimes I may have a story to go along with them sometimes the lesson may be incorporated into an "actual post" but this seems like just what I need to make me write.

All that being said today I went to a Serbian picnic with my grandpa and mom and v. and there was an old woman there who so wanted to get up and dance (you could just see it in her eyes, that and the way she was swaying around waving her arms)but no one else was dancing so she held off. A few minutes later my grandpa decided he was ready to leave so I stood up to start clearing off the table and the woman came over to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said something to me which I didn't quite understand (I thought maybe she just had a thick accent) to which I replied "What?" and she said it again in my ear. The problem with this was that she was not speaking English but Serbian which I do not speak at all. So instead of just being a normal person and explaining that I don't speak Serbian I just turned my back on the poor woman and went about my business. I just panicked and ignored her. I have no explanation as to why and I cannot justify it, I was a complete and total bitch to someone just because I felt uncomfortable. It hit me so hard at that moment, not just because I acted terribly to her but because I saw a bigger pattern, when I get uncomfortable (usually in certain social situations) or when things don't go my way I shut down. I cannot do this, it is not okay and it is a terrible and useless defense mechanism, I know this and I need to change it. If I ever see her again she'll probably think "There's that rude girl who couldn't even talk to me, who ignored me like I was trash" (and I wouldn't blame her at all). I feel so terribly for it (and not because of what she may think of me but because I know I was an ass) so I am sorry, sincerely sorry to anyone I have ever shut out and anyone I have ever hurt on account of my insecurities. So my lesson for today is: if things are tough don't shut down, it accomplishes nothing and to top it all off it has the potential to hurt others.