Love the one you're with

Well it seems as though the tone of this blog has been pretty light up until now and there are several reasons for this. I wanted to start this blog for myself, as a way to get my emotions and feelings out so that hopefully I can figure things out better but also just so that I have an outlet however, somehow I always find an excuse not to write about the deeper things in my life. I think it's because I am so scared of not expressing it correctly or having people judge me for my feelings but mostly just because I feel that I can not do my emotions justice. I feel things so deeply and strongly that when I write them out all I see are a bunch of incoherent run-on sentences and I just feel so disappointed, like I should be able to capture my feelings better so I have decided what a better way to improve then to practice! Now, I will only do this seldomly because I can't imagine anyone else wanting to read about someone elses petty stupid problems but I will do it, I promise myself I will because I need to!

Okay all that being said lets get on with it already, my latest situation is I love my boyfriend, I really do but...You know those relationships that you just know won't be forever no matter how much you may want them to be???? Yeah, its one of those. He is so sweet and a great guy but we just have different lifestyles and opinions and native languages for that matter. It seems to me that while he is a wonderful guy sometimes he tends to just take the easy way out and that frustrates me because I view hard work and intelligence very highly in a person that I will be in a relationship with. So I'm not quite sure what to do about the relationship, do I just enjoy it while it lasts or do I break it off and find someone else or do I just enjoy it until I find something else. I know that's cowardly, the whole staying with someone because you're afraid to be alone thing, but I'm not un-happy in the relationship I just know he's not my life partner ya know????

And to complicate matters; my boyfriend happens to have the most amazing cousin (who happens to live with him). He is fluent in english (unlike my boyfriend) and we have recently become really close friends. We talk most everyday about anything and everything and I enjoy his company very much. Just the other day we kinda began to come on to each other (me, in an innocent this can never happen but oh my gosh what if it does kinda way hahaha) so I decided to talk to him about "things" (more specifically my feelings) and he said that there are so many times when I was sleeping at his house that he just wanted to come jump in my bed and kick my boyfriend out. OKAY!!! as flattering as that is that is sex not feelings so I asked him how he actually feels and he proceeded to say "I couldn't date you because people would think shit but I could fuck you" AHHHHHHHH that is so inappropriate (even though I would give my left arm to be with him I'm not that type of girl). So my heart is broken times two because I realize my boyfriend is not gonna be forever and a guy that I really have an interest in would be indecent enough to sleep with me while I was still dating his cousin but could never have a relationship because people would "think shit" Makes no sense!!!!! Guys are so lucky, they can seperate sex from emotion. To me, I really like him so I could never just sleep with him without any type of emotion; to him I'm just some girl that he can sleep with whenever he's lonely gaaaahhhhhhh. I don't wanna paint this guy out to be totally indecent or myself to be a total idiot so just let me say that yes I like him very much but I do realize that's all it can ever be is a fantasy inside my own mind lol however it has helped me to realize some of the traits I need in a guy that I will be with longterm so maybe that's the purpose right??? God really teaches us so many lessons in life if we would only take our heads out of our asses and stop worrying long enough to benefit from them (wow I just realized I just used God and profanity in the same sentence, real nice)

So seeings as how this is MY blog and MY crush (I hate that word it sounds so juvenile how about we call it a fantasy since it cannot ever happen nor am i sure I would want it to lol) just allow me to indulge myself for a minute and mentally think of the good and bad qualities of both...................


And that just confirmed everything I said about how they're both not right but man is the not b.f. close too bad those "not so good" qualities are all deal breakers. Now just find me a guy like him without all the ass-hole qualities and I'll be set. I want the guy I can't live without, the one who appreciates me and sees me, with all my faults and shortcomings, and loves me just the same. The one who wants nothing more than a quiet night at home curled up on the couch, the one who will do anything to make me happy and the one who I can do all of those things and more for.

I don't want much do I?????

p.s. The not-boyfriend is a great guy and a great friend and I hope that's how it always is b/c i truly enjoy our conversations so lets look at it this way I have a close friend who occassionally comes onto me and I just hafta remember that I DO NOT DO THAT WITHOUT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP (so much easier said than done) and why do i keep thinking maybe someday???